How To Be More Confident
One of the most common questions I’ve been asked by over a hundred mentees and coaching clients is how to be more confident. Confidence is something that many people, including me, struggle with on a regular basis. Some want to know how to feel self-confident, while others want to exude confidence in their interactions with others. Another recurrent theme is regaining confidence after it has eroded. So today I’ll cover what confidence is, why it’s so hard, and some simple yet effective tactics to build confidence.
What is confidence?
The Merriam-Webster definition of confidence is:
a: a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances
b: faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way
the quality or state of being certain : CERTITUDE
Confidence requires trust, and self-confidence is trust or belief in your own abilities. It enables you to take action even when you are uncertain of the outcome, because you have faith that you have the skills and abilities needed to succeed. Easier said than done, right?
Why is it so hard to be confident?
In my experience, confidence can be elusive because it requires some amount of certainty, and it’s rare that we can be completely certain about an outcome. Can you imagine if everyone in the world waited until they were absolutely sure that they could succeed before they ever took action? Of course not, because if we did that, we’d never take risks or innovate. There would be no creativity. But it’s also one of the top reasons that people lack confidence - the fear of failure.
Confidence is also a fair weather friend that can easily fade. Every so often I go through a crisis in confidence. I lose sight of who I am and what I’m capable of. The feeling can be paralyzing and is definitely not pleasant. It can happen when you’ve become rusty in a particular skill or experience due to lack of practice. Perhaps your confidence has been damaged by a failure or harsh criticism. A previously confident person can suddenly feel fear, doubt, or uncertainly when facing a new or unfamiliar situation.
Some of the biggest pitfalls I’ve observed in myself and others when it comes to confidence are avoidance due to fear of failure, not taking action unless you are 100% sure of success, becoming discouraged when you compare yourself to others, not wanting to face a difficult situation, forgetting or discounting your own capabilities, and expecting perfection.
What is the antidote
The big fallacy is in waiting until you feel confident to take action. Instead, work on courage, which is the “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty”. Courage is what you need to take the ideas in your head and turn them into concrete actions, even when you are uncertain of the outcome. It requires being able to overcome the resistance - feelings of fear, the nagging voice in your head - and just do it.
How do you become more courageous? By practicing courage. Go and do the things even when you feel nervous or fearful. There is no secret formula to erasing those feelings and suddenly feeling like you can conquer the world. You do it despite the feelings, and every time you do, it makes you a little more courageous. And that, in turn, starts to increase your confidence. Here are the tactics that I share with my coaching clients and mentees.
Take more risks - Make a move even when you’re not certain if it’s the right one or that you’re doing it the right way. In other words, fake it till you make it. Sometimes you will surprise yourself, and you’re more likely to succeed if you take the shot than if you sit still. And if you do fail…
Embrace and learn from failure - Many of us hold the belief that failure is something to be avoided at all costs. But what if we expect failure and use it as a tool for learning? I know the feeling of not wanting to fail because it will just confirm all the doubts I have about myself. However, I’ve learned to change the way I see failure - it’s better than inaction, because I always gain some knowledge and experience. That can make it a little less scary to try again.
Take an incremental approach - Start with small steps so if things don’t go perfectly, the consequences are not devastating. You might stumble, but you can get your bearings and try again. It’s also important to recognize that you may not always succeed right away or on your first try. Courage takes determination and persistence.
Face your fears - If there is something specific that you’re afraid of, instead of trying to avoid it, sometimes it can help to focus on the fear for a moment. Go ahead and play out the worst case scenario you have imagined, and ask yourself what you would do if it happened. Allow yourself to sit in discomfort for a moment. Most of the time you’ll realize that the worst case scenario wouldn’t really be that bad and you know how to deal with it.
Be playful - Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you are tense or uptight, how can you perform at your best? When you are at ease, you are more likely to think freely and creatively.
Stop comparing yourself to others - Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s usually a faulty way of thinking, because you are only seeing a small part of the full picture and letting that make you feel inadequate or dissatisfied. This is especially true when it comes to comparing yourself to someone more experienced than you - remember that they are further along on their journey and have had more time to practice.
Acknowledge your progress and accomplishments - It’s so easy to forget what you are capable of when your confidence is low. That’s why it’s important to take time to reflect back on things that you have been able to do in the past as a reminder that you can do hard things. Pull up your big kid pants and do it again!
Be present - Don’t overthink things. It’s best to be present in the moment. Feel grounded, take deep breaths, and tune into one or more of the five senses - sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste - and just get out of your head in general. When you let your body and intuition guide you, you are less prone to be held back by feelings.
Practicing improv is a great way to build confidence - it requires being playful and embracing risk. You have to be present so you can listen to and observe what your partner is doing. You can’t be in your head planning what you are going to do because you have no idea what they will say next. There is no script. One of the first rules you learn in Improv is practicing “Yes, and…” There are no right or wrong answers. You just go with what pops into your head, trusting your instinct, and express it. If you think too hard, you will freeze. When you can find the ease, that’s when you unleash your most creative expression.
Figuring out how to be courageous and confident will make it possible for you to succeed at anything you set your mind to do. A big part of success is showing up, because it is often the hardest part. You have to get moving, to take the first steps, in order to show up. Once you figure out how to do that, the rest will come more easily.
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I love this commencement speech from Reshma Saujani, attorney and founder of Girls Who Code, a nonprofit focused on closing the gender gap in the tech industry: Imposter Syndrome Is A Scheme: Reshma Saujani’s Smith College Commencement Address
