This week I had the privilege of joining a leadership program Asian women leaders at work. I’m a co-sponsor of the program and shared my personal and professional experiences as part of an executive leadership panel. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being in a room with 60 participants plus my fellow sponsors, the program leads, and the facilitator, all of whom were women of Asian descent. The lessons on leadership were intertwined with discussions of identity. I grew up in a small Illinois town in the 80s, where most people didn’t know about Korea unless they watched a TV show called M*A*S*H, long before the popularity of K-dramas and gochujang, and before any BTS members were even born. At the time, I just wanted to fit in, but at this stage in my life, I can finally fully embrace all of who I am, including my identity as Korean-American. So it felt apropos to talk about being true to yourself and forging your own path, a topic that has come up repeatedly in my coaching experience.

As a coach and mentor, I’m often asked “what should I do?” That’s a very normal question, because when you are trying to make an important decision, whether it’s choosing among options or forming your own direction and plan, it can help to seek wisdom and opinions from others. However, I rarely give a direct answer to the question, because I can’t know what’s best for someone else. It’s not helpful to share my opinion or perspective unless I know enough about them. That’s because there isn’t a single answer that is correct in all situations, like pursuing a job promotion, accepting a job offer or new responsibility, attending graduate school, quitting a job, moving to a new location, handling a difficult work situation, or navigating a personal relationship. Who am I to tell another adult what’s best for them, unless I know everything about their situation?

Instead, I do the annoying coaching thing and ask questions to help them consider the question from a variety of angles. It all starts with knowing yourself; in other words, your self-identity, or individuality. We are not all the same. There are many external factors like culture, society, and family of origin that influence who you are and create expectations or pressure about what you “should” do, but sometimes those are in conflict with what you actually want to do or be. Because of this, it’s helpful to first understand yourself so you know what really matters to you instead of what others want (or what you think they want) from you.

Get to Know Yourself

How often do you take time to think about who you are, what matters to you, and what you want for yourself? Getting to know yourself starts with reflecting on who you are now, your current self:

• What are your likes and dislikes? 

• What are your hobbies and pastimes?

• What are your strengths and abilities? What are you not good at?

• What are your core values?

• What belief systems or moral codes are important to you?

• What makes you unique?

• What are the most important elements of your identity? How much are you influenced by your race, ethnicity, country of origin, family and relationships, religion, gender, age, sexual orientation, physical attributes, disabilities, political affiliation, social class, etc.?

• What motivates and demotivates you? What gives you a sense of purpose?

If possible, set aside some time and space so you can focus without interruptions. As you answer these questions, be honest with yourself and consider what parts of this you truly believe, not what other people say or think about you. If you can, write it down.

Next, consider your vision and ambitions, your ideal self. 

• What do you want to do that you’re not doing now? What do you want to stop doing?

• What do you want more of in your life? What do you want to remove?

• What do you want to adjust, shift, or change?

For each of the answers to these questions, ask yourself why. Let’s say you want to go for that promotion at work - what is really important about a promotion to you? Is it the money? The additional responsibility? The recognition or validation? The job title? Power? What might be holding you back from getting this right now?

Express Yourself

Once you have a clearer sense of yourself, consider whether anything would come as a surprise to the people close to you, especially those who are in a position to make decisions that impact you. Do they know what you like, what you care about, and what you want? It’s very normal to make assumptions about other people based on what you can see and what you already know, but most of us are not mind readers. The more you share, the more other people can be on board with your vision and ambitions, and maybe even help you on your journey.

Some people cringe at the idea of personal branding because they think of it as marketing or self-promotion, which they find tasteless. But when you think about it as being authentic and sharing information about who you are, what matters to you, and what you uniquely have to offer, what’s so bad about that? Tell people what your strengths are and what you like doing. It’s not just about personal gain or making yourself look good. You have things to offer that can benefit other people and be an asset to your organization.

If you already know what you want, ask for it. Earlier in my career, I never thought to ask for things. I believed that I would get what I deserve based on my work. I was lucky to have people in my life suggest that I ask for things, like asking for a higher salary when I got a job offer, or asking for the office that opened up when my manager left.

Most of the time, I haven’t had a very specific idea of what I wanted in my career, like a role or project. Perhaps you can relate. In this situation, you can still share about positive experiences you’ve had in the past or skills that you want to use more or develop at work. I shared with a previous manager that I had worked in Japan for a few years after college. I felt so fortunate to have the experience to live and work overseas and thought it would be cool if I could go back someday with my family. I didn’t consider this a real possibility since none of the teams in my immediate organization were in Japan, so I wasn’t even asking for it. Then an opportunity came up with a team in Tokyo that was in the broader organization. Since my manager knew about my past experience and interests, and also that I enjoyed adventure and wasn’t risk-averse, she asked me if I would consider working in Tokyo. I ended up taking a 6-month assignment in Tokyo with my family in tow, and several years later, we still look back fondly on that experience.

Advocating for yourself is also important during those times that your needs are not being met. Maybe you are doing something that conflicts with your personal values, or you are not getting the support or resources you need to succeed. Sure, you don’t want to sound like you are complaining or ungrateful. But if no one knows there is a problem, there is little chance that things will change.

Live As Yourself

When you and people around you know more about you, this opens the door for you to be and do you in the fullest sense. Recognize your strengths and leverage the things you’re good at so you can get closer to your ideal self. Stop doing things just because other people want you to, or you think it’s what they want. If you’re not getting anything out of it, consider whether it’s really necessary. Maybe all you need to do is ask or start a conversation about it. Do more of the things that make you happy.

This is not to say other people don’t matter, but you are the one living your life. You are the expert of you, so it’s up to you to create the life that you want. I’ll talk more about that next week.