When You're Not the Problem: Stop Trying to Fix Yourself

While building up my coaching experience in the past year, I’ve done many “dyads” with fellow coaches where we take turns coaching each other. When I am the coachee, I often bring a topic related to how I can improve myself or explore a situation that frustrates me, and what I learn after processing the situation out loud is often that I don’t need to change or do more. I’m doing the best that I can, and that is enough. It’s hard for me to get to that conclusion on my own, and even more difficult to say out loud, “I am fine. I am enough.”

I know it’s not just me; I have clients who feel stuck and come with questions about how they can solve a tough problem by learning how to do something better. As they describe the situation in more detail, it soon becomes apparent that the root of the problem actually lies elsewhere. In those cases, once they become aware that they are not the problem, the shift in perspective allows them to move forward. If you’re like us, you need to hear this: stop trying to fix yourself.

There is a fine line between wanting to grow and improve yourself and blaming yourself for a situation that is outside of your control. How can you tell the difference? There’s certainly nothing wrong with looking inward. But there are those times when you’ve done the best that you can and you’ve followed all the common wisdom or best practices. Maybe you’ve even talked to a couple people you trust for advice, and what they tell you matches what you’ve already been doing. At that point, take that as a potential sign that maybe you are already doing the right things. Sometimes you may be lucky enough to have someone else point that out for you. When that happens, stop looking for the elusive magic answer that you think you’re missing.

You can’t fix yourself, because you’re not broken. Really. Even when you feel like it. Believe me, I’ve been there so many times. Accept that you can’t fix things by trying harder or being better, because you’re not the problem. That also means this might be a situation that you cannot control through your own efforts, no matter how valiant..

So, what can you do? Ask yourself, what would change if you are not the problem in this situation? First, consider what the real problem is. It might be someone else, or the situation itself. Resist the temptation to just shift blame, because you can’t control or change other people. Then, focus on what is within your control - your attitude and your actions. Once you face the truth about what is really going on, consider your options.

One option is radical acceptance - acknowledging what you cannot change or control without holding on to negative emotions like blame. This can be very freeing, and give you the perspective needed to move forward in a more positive and constructive way. In most cases, this clarity is enough.

But there are times when a situation is so bad that it’s going to make you unhappy no matter how enlightened you are. If you’re in a toxic work environment or have to deal with an individual or group who are actively hostile or unwilling to cooperate with you, consider how you can minimize your exposure to them. That might mean working on a different project or with different people, or escalating the situation to someone who is in a position to help you. But if it’s not a situation that can be changed, focus your attention on getting the heck out. You might not have the luxury of being able to quit your job on the spot, but you can start looking into what your options are. Because you deserve better.

So the next time you feel stuck in a tough situation, step back and take a look at the big picture: you may not be the problem.