Why I Quit Worrying
I used to be a worrier. It kept me awake at night, with my mind racing and then spiraling. But I am lucky, because I decided many years ago to stop worrying.
I was in graduate school and experiencing the most stressful time in my life up to that point, with a full load of tough classes and a part-time job. There were lots of things to worry about. Around that time, I heard a line from the Bible where Jesus asked, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”. And while it may not have been the main intention of the sermon, these words helped me see that worrying didn’t make any positive difference in whatever I was worried about, and in fact it made things worse for me by occupying my mind needlessly with angst. So I decided it was a waste of my time and energy and wasn’t going to do it anymore, and I have never looked back. I truly believe I have been able to enjoy more peace of mind for the past 20+ years because of this.
Why we worry
Worrying is a pretty normal thing for us humans to do. There are several reasons why we do it. For one, it may protect us from negative emotions like disappointment in the future if the bad thing actually happens, by dulling our emotional response. And it gives us a sense of control that is almost superstitious. The negative potential that we imagine usually has a low chance of happening, and so when we are able to avoid it, we think that our worrying actually helped. Or we think that worrying will help to motivate us to solve the problem by playing out all the potential negative outcomes in our heads. Some people see worrying as a positive personality trait that indicates caring and consideration for others.
Why worrying is harmful
There is some data that suggests the positive function of worry - it can be that little kick in the pants that motivates you to take action. But the problem is, when you spiral, it doesn’t actually serve the intended purpose; it makes you think excessively about negative events and get even more stressed out. I call it creating your own hell; you take a hypothetical event and give it valuable space and time in your mind, becoming detrimental to your mental and physical health. The emotional dulling can also limit our ability to respond to an actual traumatic event. And of course simply thinking a lot about something does not help to prevent it from happening. This is why worry is called a useless emotion. It robs you of being able to live in the present moment. We sometimes conflate worrying with problem solving. However, it’s not useful to just imagine everything that could possibly go wrong if you’re not also thinking of solutions.
How to stop worrying
When I decided that I wouldn’t waste my time worrying anymore, awareness was probably the biggest factor in being able to turn it off. I didn’t want to torture myself anymore, so I got better at noticing when the spiraling started. Once I could name what I was experiencing as worry, its grip on me loosened. It also helped to embrace uncertainty in life as inevitable. The truly traumatic things that have happened in my life were out of my control, and even if I could have avoided them, it sure wouldn’t be by lying in the dark and imagining how bad they could be! In some cases, you can turn worry into something more constructive by actively planning how to solve the problem. Or write down your thoughts instead of letting them spin aimlessly in your head.
Another helpful anti-worry tactic is active distraction through mindfulness practices like focused breathing or body scan meditation, which are also helpful in general for insomnia and anxiety. I always start as far away from my head as possible–usually with my pinky toe – to literally get out of my head. Other times, I find comfort in music. Maybe something sunny and light like Don’t Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin is your cup of tea. I personally love Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz with James Morrison, which is uplifting yet complicated, and the vocals are top notch.
If you are ready to stop torturing yourself, please give it a try! I do want to acknowledge that everyone is different, and if you suffer from anxiety disorder, you may need to seek help from a mental health professional.
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