Oops!...I Did It Again - Burnout Part Deux

As Mental Health Awareness Month shines a light on personal struggles, I wanted to share the second chapter of my burnout story, which happened at the end of last year. I’ve already shared my first experience from a couple years ago, but this time felt completely different. It felt like I was perpetually stuck in a constant state of burnout and would never return to my previous self. This led me to take significant steps to address the burnout, including a three-month mental health leave from work. During this time, I gained a much deeper understanding of what causes burnout, how to recover from it, and how to prevent it from happening again.

I know my experience with burnout isn’t unique. These are tough times for many, with some already facing burnout and others feeling close to the edge. The greatest gift I received during this time was the outpouring of empathy and support from others, some who encouraged me to take the necessary time away from work, truly understanding the situation I was in. 

Before I get into the details, I want to let you know that I’m able to write about this publicly because I’m in a good place now with my mental and emotional health. And if the following details start to feel like too much for you, feel free to skip this one. I promise I won’t take it personally.

The 12 Stages of Burnout from Herbert Freudenberger & Gail North

To begin, how did I get burned out?

It was late September 2023. I had started a new role within my company a couple of months before. Things started out great and I felt happy and light with the change. I took a relaxing and spiritual trip to Santa Fe with some girlfriends. And then suddenly I began to feel overwhelmed by my workload, struggling to absorb and process information. I was stressed and would wake up in the middle of the night full of anxiety and could not fall back asleep. During the day, I sat nearly speechless in meetings, feeling stuck and paralyzed. My confidence plummeted. My new manager was supportive and advised me to ask others for help, but I had forgotten how to delegate. And despite my shiny new job, I was unhappy about countless things at the macro level – layoffs and economic uncertainty, shifts in the tech industry, political turmoil, and wars – and all of these contributed to my growing sense of chaos, distress, and hopelessness. 

Then my anxiety escalated to panic attacks - I could not fathom driving to the office and acting normal. I was not willing to compromise my health, so I contemplated quitting my job. But as the breadwinner of my family, the idea of being unemployed without a backup plan quickly sent me into panic mode again. I was not in any condition to update my resume after over 16 years at the same company and face the highly competitive job market, and I truly believed that I had no marketable skills to offer. Fortunately, we had recently reconnected with a friend who had taken a few months of leave and my husband suggested that mental health leave might be a better choice than making a major decision while emotionally distressed. 

So with no advance notice, I took leave immediately, navigating the process to apply for short-term disability while trying to find a provider who could submit the required paperwork. After a bad experience with a virtual therapist that led to further panic attacks, I had a virtual consultation with a healthcare provider who was empathetic and compassionate. She advised me to take more time for leave than I thought I needed, and gave me some helpful tips for self-care. The process of getting leave approval was an ordeal in itself due to my desperation, but within a couple of weeks I had it. I didn’t believe I’d ever be able to return to work, but at least I had some time to figure things out.

The next challenge was figuring out how to spend my time during leave. My new therapist advised me to focus on self-care and activities that didn’t require me to be productive, but my entire identity was based on being someone who got things done, so I added depression to my list of mental health struggles. I felt immense guilt for getting into this situation and putting my family at risk, though I also recognized that nothing bad had actually happened to us outside of my imagination. Every morning, I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety and the smallest, most trivial things triggered panic attacks. I became aware that I had evolved my life routine to include self-imposed practices, habits, and expectations that added up to a huge pile of repeating pressures. My first task was to make my life more manageable by reducing the physical and virtual clutter that had become unnecessarily expensive, time-consuming, and complicated. 

My mental health got worse before it got better. In the early days, when I read books where people shared their personal battles, all I could think about was how they managed to get their acts together and were able to do amazing things afterwards, unlike me. I felt like a loser because I had no confidence or memory of the person who had done impressive things in the past. It was no longer with me but I was made aware of all these exceptional people who seemed to possess something I didn’t. Every day was full of emotional ups and downs. My husband and I had to travel for a family event, and while the change of scenery and time with family lifted my spirits a bit, I was still just a shell of my previous self and was worried about being a downer at what was supposed to be a celebration.

I spent my days going on a lot of walks, reading books, and writing. I attended Bhakti classes with my favorite yoga teacher Jen, who played the harmonium and led us through uplifting Kirtan chants. I did a lot of texting with friends. A bright light during this time was connecting with people I cared about who knew me. I was immensely touched that people reached out with a kind word or offers to help, and tried to take as many people up on their offers as possible.

Then a few weeks in I had a pivotal call with a friend that lasted over 2 hours. She worked at the same company and had been through her share of difficulty at work, plus she was suffering from debilitating pain. And yet she kept going, and was able to appreciate how lucky she was to have a job that paid well and offered generous health insurance. I was in awe of her strength, and her encouragement and positive outlook helped me realize what I had going for me - no major physical health issues, a home in a place I love, and a job. I realized that if I stopped trying to prove myself, please others, or gain external validation, it would relieve most of the pressure I felt. It was okay if not everything I did was successful every time. Shortly after I got off the phone, another friend sent me a link to a webinar advertising a program for high-achieving women who are at risk of burnout who want more from their lives. It sparked a little flame in me to be a bad-ass bitch who could see the value I bring just for being me, someone who acted from courage, not fear. One of the principles they promoted was to stop proving yourself and get past the fear that working differently will ruin your reputation and results.

I started getting more messages from the universe to help me. The next day in yoga class, Jen said that hope is optimism plus agency. I had just read an article about how hope is more effective at improving your well-being than optimism, because hope is a conviction that you can act to make things better in some way. Next, my therapist sent me an article about the power of saying yes to something that you don’t like and practicing acceptance rather than fighting or complaining; this lets you free yourself to put your energy into action instead. I saw that I had been trying to fight things outside of my control and was able to come to a place of acceptance. This was the beginning of my recovery.

I continued to meet, email, and text with friends and colleagues who generously gifted to me their nuggets of wisdom, book recommendations, and encouragement. I had moments where I was able to help others too, a welcome distraction from my own troubles. I decided to re-engage with a different therapist who was more familiar with my history and job. And after some hesitation, I took the plunge and signed up for the program in the webinar, a significant investment of money and time. I felt like it was my last shot to help me change and the material and structure were exactly what I needed at the moment. One of the initial assignments was to pick a word that represented why I was doing the program, and the first thing that came to my mind was Rebirth. I may have been broken and died in a way, but I could be reborn, better than before, like the phoenix rising from the ashes. 

I started to feel hopeful, emerging from the worst point of anxiety and depression, but going back to work still felt out of my reach. My greatest fear was returning too soon, without my confidence and sense of self, and plummeting back into burnout. The next few weeks were still a roller coaster, but I kept doing my assignments for the program. I had moments of frustration with my slow progress and wondered if it had been a mistake, but I can see in hindsight that rewiring neural pathways takes time and consistent practice. During this time, I had a party for my milestone birthday. It felt good to gather with friends from various phases of my life, yet it was certainly not how I envisioned commemorating this landmark.

Then during a therapy session it dawned on me that a lot of my guilt, shame, and other negative emotions stemmed from perfectionist tendencies. Realizing how pervasive they were left me despondent as I added yet another thing to fix about myself to my mental list. Shortly after that, a co-worker sent me a link to a podcast dedicated to the topic of burnout. I listened to several episodes and started to get a better understanding of how I had burned out. 

Near the end of my second month, things really started shifting and I discovered the mindblowing feeling of having a sense of self-worth for who I am, not what I do. Discussing this with a few close friends and my husband helped me to further process this concept, solidify my understanding, and truly believe that I am enough. I felt a new lightness, sense of relief, and inspiration. I reflected on this in my journal: “I am already enough. I have everything I need and can do anything I set my mind on.” This was my Rebirth. 

After assessing which of my essential needs were not being met, I began trying new strategies to increase my autonomy and sense of purpose. This freed me from becoming depleted. As I regained self-confidence, I volunteered for an Adopt-a-Family project in my community that delivered holiday gifts to low-income families. When the leader asked me to co-lead the program, I was wary of overcommitting myself while still in the recovery process, but ultimately I listened to my heart and said yes. It was often intense, yet gave me ample opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries while witnessing the generous spirit of over a hundred donors and amazing volunteers who gave their time and talents to provide gifts, blankets, and essential household items to 300 individuals across 70 families.

Successfully managing this project instilled the confidence I needed to feel ready to return to work. Almost immediately, I was hit with news of layoffs and re-orgs, but I endured the turmoil; I didn’t relapse. I learned to set boundaries and delegate again. This allowed me to protect my needs and find joy in my work and life. I invest in myself and things that bring me joy. I know that I have many acceptable alternatives to saying yes to others and that I have nothing to prove. I no longer operate from a place of fear that I’ll disappoint or fail others, but from a place of peace. I understand that my job is to influence, not just to get things done. And I see risk and the possibility of failure as a necessary ingredient to greatness.

If you made it this far in my story, thank you for staying with me. It was a lot. Next time I’ll share the tools and resources that helped me most.