Shedding Your Leaves

Fall has arrived here in the Bay Area — the kids are settled into their school routines, there's a slight chill in the morning and evening air, and the gusty and dry conditions mean higher risk of fire – all reminders that change is in the air. Driving around this past weekend, I noticed trees full of flaming red leaves and piles of fallen leaves on the sidewalks and streets. Just as trees shed their leaves to prepare for winter, we too can benefit from releasing whatever is weighing us down to make room for growth and renewal. While saying good-bye to things may bring up feelings of loss, decluttering and being intentional about what you keep has the liberating effect of lightening your load.

What can you shed from your life?

One way to embrace this seasonal shedding is to start with the most obvious: physical clutter in your living or working space. I’m switching over to cool weather clothing and buying some new items. As I do this, I’m donating and recycling items that are worn out, no longer fit, or that I no longer love. My husband and I went through a huge drawer packed with manuals for various household electronics and appliances and recycled most of them. These days you can easily find PDF manuals and troubleshooting solutions online. I’ve also been giving away miscellaneous items on my local Buy Nothing group, which is a great way to connect with my community and reduce waste. 

But this practice of letting go isn’t limited to physical clutter. It’s also a good time to reflect on the activities, habits, and commitments that fill your time — especially when they cease to bring you joy or serve a useful purpose. It’s easy to continue these commitments indefinitely, so it’s important to periodically reassess their value in your life. Perhaps they no longer align with your current priorities. Decluttering your time enables increased productivity, reduced stress, and improved mental clarity.

I keep my evenings and weekends pretty free these days so I have time to relax or participate in more spontaneous activities, but I find it helpful to conduct periodic audits of my calendar at work. I look for any recurring meetings that I can eliminate or attend less often. Take an honest look at your calendar and to-do list. What commitments can you delegate, eliminate, or reschedule to free up more time and energy for what truly matters? While you’re at it, reduce your digital noise by unsubscribing from email lists and turning off those annoying app notifications!

In addition to physical clutter and time-consuming commitments, it's important to release the negative thoughts and emotions that can weigh on us. These mental burdens can hinder our productivity, drain our energy, and prevent us from fully enjoying our lives.

What about the hurts you are carrying from the past? Are you weighed down by self-doubt? Simply noticing the negative thoughts and emotions as they occur is a good starting point. Then, visualize yourself letting them go. Imagine you are throwing them in the garbage, setting them afloat to dissolve into thin air, or piling them up to set on fire! Techniques like mindfulness or journaling also help to release negative feelings and create space for positive emotions.

Finally, it’s important to consider letting go of unhealthy relationships that may be draining your energy and happiness. If a relationship is toxic or unfulfilling, can you still improve it? If it’s consistently causing you stress, anxiety, or resentment, it may be time to let go. This might mean shedding unrealistic expectations,  spending less time together, or simply letting the relationship run its course.

Benefits of letting go

By releasing the things in your life that you no longer need or want, you create space for yourself to have a life with greater focus and clarity. You’ll find yourself with greater freedom to be intentional as you choose what occupies your space, time, and mind. Reducing clutter of all kinds reduces the stress in your life and makes room for peace and happiness.

It can be difficult to let go of something that once meant a lot to you, so remember this tip from Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: before you release something, express your gratitude for its service and for enhancing your life. It once served a valuable purpose in your life and letting it go does not change that. Then, enjoy the space you have created for yourself to discover new possibilities.

The Power of Storytelling

Several years ago, I decided that in order to be taken seriously as a leader, I needed to conquer my fear of public speaking. I focused on crafting compelling content and mastering the mechanics - eye contact, volume, and eliminating verbal fillers. When I signed up to present an internal, I meticulously prepared my slides and detailed speaker notes. Still, I felt unsure about the impact of my message.

During a dry run with a conference organizer. I nervously awaited feedback. To my relief, he praised my content, and then suggested starting with a personal story. This was a revelation. I realized that effective presentation isn’t just about presenting convincing facts and figures or delivering a polished performance. It's about connecting with your audience on a deeper level by sharing your experiences and evoking emotions. By weaving personal anecdotes into your presentations, you can not only inspire your audience but also build stronger relationships and foster a sense of trust. 

Whether you're a seasoned executive or just starting your career journey, storytelling can be a powerful tool for connecting with others, inspiring change, and building trust. In this article, we'll explore the benefits of storytelling, provide practical tips for crafting effective narratives, and offer examples of storytelling structures that can be tailored to different contexts.

When to Incorporate Storytelling

In the professional world, storytelling skills are invaluable for persuasion. Whether you're interviewing for a new job, recounting your accomplishments, inspiring your team, or delivering a memorable presentation, the ability to weave a compelling narrative can make a significant difference. For example, when pursuing a job promotion, sharing your success stories can demonstrate your capabilities and readiness for additional responsibilities. When addressing your team, a well-crafted anecdote can inspire them to work towards a common goal and foster a sense of camaraderie. And in presentations, storytelling can help your audience remember key points and engage with your message on a deeper level.

Now that we've explored the importance of storytelling in the professional world, let's delve deeper into the key elements that make a story effective: structure and emotional connection.

Storytelling Structures: The Narrative Arc

The narrative arc, or story structure, is a familiar concept found in literature, movies, and TV. It typically involves a protagonist facing a conflict or crisis, embarking on a journey to overcome it, and ultimately learning valuable lessons. This structure not only provides a clear framework for your story but also allows you to evoke powerful emotions in your audience. By sharing the protagonist's struggles, triumphs, and personal growth, you can create a sense of empathy and connection that will resonate long after your story is over.

The story arc, or narrative arc, is the structure of your story. You’ve likely encountered many examples in literature, movies, and on TV. You start with your protagonist or main figure, and may get to know a thing or two about them first. Then they encounter some sort of conflict or crisis via an inciting incident. As they embark on their journey to overcome the challenge, they may have to exert effort, face decisions and choices, make mistakes, overcome obstacles, and learn new skills or life lessons. Through all of this, the protagonist learns or reveals their values.

This versatile structure can be adapted to fit various storytelling needs. Three common examples are the Hero's Journey, the Story of Us, and the Story of Now.

The Hero’s Journey: Your Story of Accomplishment

This variation of the popular hero’s journey narrative arc tells the story of an accomplishment, such as the completion of a major project. Be clear about the actions that you, as the protagonist, took, starting your sentences with “I”, not “we”.

• The Call to Adventure: Begin by setting the scene. What was the initial situation or problem that you encountered? What was it that motivated you to take action? Describe the initial complexity or ambiguity of the problem to help convey the courage or determination required to embark on your journey.

• The Approach: Describe the actions that you took to solve the problem, detailing the obstacles, challenges, and setbacks you faced along the way. Highlight any key decisions you made, mistakes you learned from, and the support you received from others.

• The Outcome and Reward: Conclude your story by describing how things looked at the end of your journey, and what was different and better than when you started; this highlights the impact of your actions. Recap any personal growth that occurred during your journey. This could involve overcoming internal fears, developing new skills, or gaining a deeper understanding of yourself. What key lessons did you learn and apply from your journey – bonus points if you can share examples.

Story of Now 

The Story of Now is a powerful tool for inspiring immediate action. It focuses on a pressing issue or opportunity that requires attention. By clearly outlining the challenge or opportunity, you can ignite a sense of urgency and purpose in your audience. A strong call to action outlines the specific steps they need to take to address the situation. To empower your audience, provide them with the necessary information, resources, and support to act without delay. Conclude your story in a way that will help your audience to activate now

Story of Us

The Story of Us structure creates a shared identity within a team. By highlighting common challenges, opportunities, values, and aspirations, you can create a strong sense of unity and purpose. Detail the choices that the team needs to make to survive or succeed together. Close your story in a way that lets the audience understand your shared values and feel a sense of collective identity, the “we”.

What Makes a Story Effective?

Beyond the narrative structure, effective storytelling requires understanding the human condition. By portraying the struggles and triumphs of your protagonist, you can create a relatable and emotionally resonant story.

To ensure your story resonates with your audience, provide sufficient context to explain why you're sharing it now and why it's relevant to them. Tailor your message to their specific needs and interests. Use anecdotes and personal experiences to make your story more relatable, and don't shy away from highlighting the challenges and imperfections your protagonist faces. A flawed hero is often more compelling than a flawless one.

Finally, a powerful story should inspire action. Provide a clear and specific call to action that encourages your audience to take the next steps. By combining a compelling narrative with a clear direction, you can create a story that not only informs but also motivates and inspires.

Storytelling can be a powerful tool to use in your professional life. By making use of storytelling structures and effective techniques, you can connect with your audience on a deeper level, inspire change, and build trust. The best stories are those that resonate with your audience, evoke emotions, and inspire action. Next time you have a chance to share your story, embrace the power of storytelling to bring your message to life.

How to Make Good Decisions

Decisions. They bombard us daily. Some are easy, instinctive. Others leave us paralyzed. The question is: how do you decide? And how can you be sure?

Perhaps you’ve heard of decision fatigue, that overwhelming feeling when choices pile up, each one more complex than the last, that results in mental and physical exhaustion. Procrastination sets in. We’re paralyzed by analysis. And the decisions we do make? Often, they're not our best. An effective strategy to counter decision fatigue is following a structured approach.

I recently discovered a simple, but effective five-step framework for making good decisions in the book Clear Thinking by Shane Parrish, who spent years working for an intelligence agency and runs the Farnham Street blog. 

Steps for Decision Making

Define: Identify Your Goal

In order to make a good decision, you first need to get clear on what you’re trying to achieve. What’s your goal, or the problem you are trying to solve? If you skip this step, you could miscalculate your options and end up with a great solution for the wrong problem, so it’s important to separate defining the problem from solving it. 

For example, a common career-related question is whether to stay in your current job or seek something else. But the answer depends on why you are thinking of leaving, and what you hope to get with a new job – in other words, what is the root cause? It could be anything from not being able to meet your career goals in the current role, wanting to explore an entirely different career, or having a bad manager. Clearly identifying the root of the problem avoids the trap of fixing a symptom, which might only be a short-term fix.

Sometimes, the answer is clear right from the start. Other times, this first step reveals key criteria to guide your exploration. And don't forget obstacles. Start anticipating them now.

Explore: Brainstorm Alternatives

Once you know your goal, think about your options. It’s common to pick between two choices, but try to come up with at least three. This might mean some combination of the two options you’ve already thought of. For example, instead of stay vs go, another option if your current job isn’t meeting your needs could be to stay while also exploring options for the long term, or learning a new skill, or taking on a new responsibility. 

Consider at this stage what negative outcomes may occur if things go wrong, and what your contingency plan would be. If one of the options were not possible, what then would you do?

Second-level thinking is key. Trace each option from start to finish. What happens next? And if things go south, what new problem emerges? What information do you still need to make the best call?

Additionally, consider the opportunity costs – the hidden trade-offs – associated with choosing one option over another.

Evaluate: Weigh Your Options

Now that you understand the problem and have your possible solutions identified, identify the specific criteria for the problem at hand. They should be clear, support your goal, and be decisive enough to favor exactly one option. List out all the criteria that are important to you and then determine what on that list that matters most to you. 

If you need to gather information about your options in order to apply your criteria, it’s best to get this from the person closest to the problem. That way you get what Parrish calls high-fidelity information – facts without biases and opinions. Get information from experts and people who have solved a similar problem recently, asking them for their reasons and how they thought about the problem.

Decide and Execute: Pick The Best Option and Take Action

This is where you synthesize all your options and information to arrive at a decision. Once committed, take action - this is the final, crucial step. Fear of consequences or making the wrong choice can often hold us back. Assess your decision along two dimensions: consequentiality and reversibility.

In scenarios where the stakes are low, not taking action hurts you more than speed. So when the cost of making a mistake is low and your action is easy to reverse, you’re best off making a swift decision. Avoid wasting precious time and mental energy deliberating – simply choose and move froward. 

Conversely, when the stakes are high – when a mistake would be highly consequential and irreversible – take the time to gather as much information as possible and delay your decision until the last possible moment. You’ll know it’s time to execute your decision once you’ve exhausted all avenues for gathering useful information, encounter the first missed opportunity, or gain new insights that clearly indicate the optimal choice. 

You can minimize the cost of failure by adding a margin of safety, a buffer between what you expect to happen and what could happen. The key is preparation and maintaining flexibility. Take small, low-risk steps toward as many options as possible before you commit to one, preserving your optionality.

Parrish offers a valuable tip: sleep on a decision before you tell anyone. Once you have made a decision, you start to see things in a new light, allowing you to reassess and connect with your feelings about the choice.

Decision-making doesn’t have to be a struggle. With a little structure, you can simplify the process and gain confidence in making choices that truly align with your goals. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate uncertainty entirely – that's part of life! It’s about equipping yourself with tools and strategies to make informed and effective decisions of all kinds.

Life After Lectures, Part 2

Today, Kadija Samura and I continue our conversation about life, career, and navigating the transition from academia to the corporate world. We’ve included the highlights below and the full conversation in this podcast.

In part 2, we pick up where we left off in our conversation about managing discomfort when facing new challenges and learning. Being aware of where you are in the competence curve (Four Stages of Competence) can help to ease anxiety that you’re doing something wrong or not learning quickly enough.

Four Stages of Competence

[Caroline] The first stage is Unconscious Incompetence – when you’re first starting to learn a new thing, you don't know what you don't know. Then as you learn, you realize just how little you know and how much learning is ahead of you, which can feel daunting – this is Conscious Incompetence. As you actively build up your new skills and knowledge, you see progress, but it doesn’t come easy. It takes a lot of effort. That’s Conscious Competence. Finally, you reach the Unconscious Competence stage – you’ve integrated the new skill so that it comes easily and without that awareness of effort, like riding a bike.

[Kadija] Or driving. I love that. 

Limiting Beliefs

[K] I'm going to study that because learning can feel like such a  a slow process, so I loved your analogy of building muscle when I run into limiting beliefs. Where we are right now is influenced by our personal histories and backgrounds. 

For example, I immigrated to the US from Sierra Leone when I was fairly young, nine years old. I had some of my formative years in Sierra Leone and some in the United States, and that has shaped who I am today. And there have been times in my 20s when I’ve recognized that parts of my personal narrative are influenced by my childhood beliefs, and I don’t have to continue all of those beliefs today – that was a powerful thing to experience! Instead living for my future, I was living for my past. That blew my mind. So I would love to hear how you let go of limiting beliefs that don't serve you anymore.

[C] I wish I could say that I’ve got it all figured out, but it's an ongoing process! I had to do a lot of letting go during my burnout recovery last year.

Cycle of Learning

[C] I learned about the cycle of learning several years ago while facilitating a leadership training program. It starts with Awareness: Where am I now? How are things going? That’s followed by Intention: Where do I want to go? What's my goal? And then it’s time to take Action. That's essential, because if you don't take action, nothing will change. The last step is Results: looking back and reflecting on the results. How effective was my Action towards achieving my Intention? Then you go back to through Awareness stage, and repeat the cycle with a new Intention: What do I want to continue and what will I do a little bit differently next time? 

Using Hypothesis and Experiments

[C] Another framework I often apply to personal development is the experimentation framework, based on the scientific method. You start with a hypothesis, which is especially helpful in complex or ambiguous situations where you don't know what the right answer is. Many people get stuck and just stay put when they face uncertainty, but one way to get stuck is to acknowledge that while you don't know the right answer, you can choose a hypothesis. This framing allows you to start experimenting so you can get more data – it's okay if your hypothesis isn't right because you can always change it. It feels the stakes are lower if you frame it as an experiment, because your hypothesis doesn’t need to be correct or perfect. It’s just a starting point. I think this can be really helpful to manage a limiting belief of perfectionism, that if something is not perfect, then it's not good.

One thing that helps – this is simple, but not easy – is to lean into the limiting belief that you have and ask yourself, What am I making this mean? What is the story that I'm telling myself? And then continue to go down that path: Why are all these negative feelings coming up and what are they telling me? Is that actually true?

[K] Yeah, I agree. It’s also helpful to ask, Where is the evidence? That has been a game changer for me when I get intrusive thoughts that I’m a failure. I used to practice saying it out loud and now it’s easier to just flip the switch. A good analogy that I heard was to think of those thoughts as a salesperson trying to sell you something you don’t need. You have to keep saying, No thanks, I'm good to the thoughts that you don't want to continue to ruminate on.

[C] That reminds me of a technique in meditation called labeling, where you note whatever is going on in the moment – I'm breathing, I'm thinking about this – which allows you to create emotional distance or detachment. And by this I don't mean not caring, but recognizing the difference between your feelings and you – you are not your thoughts or feelings. The feelings may come from beliefs that are related to security or esteem. I'll be honest – for me, it's usually about esteem: I'm only worthy if I do X, Y, and Z. 

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to recognize how great you are just for who you are. It's so easy to do that for others, but not for ourselves. We hear all of our own mental chatter and our brains react to stressful situations as if they are life-threatening danger, and it shuts down certain functions like logical thinking. But when it's not a life-or-death situation, we can diffuse those strong emotions and restore our ability to see things more clearly.

So if you face the scary thing and see that it's not really so bad, then you can move forward.

Taking Life by the Reins

[K] Absolutely. I think what we’re really talking about is taking life by the reins, because if you let your mind control you, if you sit back and think I don't know what to do, this is so scary and big, then those thoughts will overtake you. I would really love your perspective on this: when you are trying to take life by the reins, how do you know you're doing it right? What tangible steps can you take?

[C] What does taking life by the reins mean to you?

[K] For me, it's deciding to do the very best that I can every single day, to walk toward my goals. Right now I'm in a career-building phase and I have all these incredible things that I want to do. And I have a lot of love for certain things, like education. I love Africa and Sierra Leone – that's my home – and thinking about how education applies there. But I also have a passion for things like the neurodiverse community and technology. I'm in an exploratory phase. 

So taking life by the reins means setting goals, like my goals for the next six months. Sometimes I overwhelm myself by setting too many goals and end up exhausting myself. I break my goals down into an actionable plan where I take steps every single day. But sometimes, when I get tired, I get sluggish and when my calendar sends me a reminder, I don't take any action. So, I equate taking life by the reins to intentional action. What do you think?

[C] If you look at this through the lens of forming a hypothesis, you are setting daily goals that you believe are a reasonable amount to get done. But what happens in reality is that life gets in the way. Some days we're just tired.

Self-compassion and taking rest

[C] Sometimes there are also other types of blockers, like mental blockers. So it's helpful to examine your thoughts and feelings and be really honest with yourself – Am I tired? It could be mental or physical exhaustion. Or sometimes you just can't get into it in the moment. That's not failure. That's your body or your mind telling you it’s not the right time to complete the task. So you can simply adjust your hypothesis for that day, instead of feeling like you failed or didn't do enough.

Sometimes it is a limiting belief that’s causing you to feel resistance. You can examine that as well. Is it coming from fear? What am I afraid of, and if it were to really happen, what would I do? And then you realize that you can figure it out or even know what you would do in that scenario, and maybe it'll slow your progress a little bit, but you can overcome it.

Or, you realize it’s not really something that would actually happen. Is it true? Is there any evidence to support that? No? This might be fear of success. I don't know if I can handle this. That’s very common. Just when you get everything that you wanted, and you start to think it won't last or you self-sabotage because it feels scary to become this new version of yourself.

[K] I like the idea of recognizing when you are tired and taking a step back. One thing I struggle with, in particular when I am tired, is feeling like a failure. I think to myself, You have to keep going, You have more in you! There’s a sort of toxic motivational thinking that when you're tired you're just getting started. In some ways, it's true that you have to learn to push yourself, but sometimes it becomes a cycle of trying to do too much, which causes you to fail and then fulfill this idea that you're not good at doing things, and it ties back to learning how to rest and knowing that it’s okay to not be doing something all the time. 

My calendar looks exactly the same every single day, and I have these expectations to do things in that manner, but that's not how life works.

[C] If you can take a step back to observe the patterns, maybe even tracking how each day went, what you were feeling, what things got in the way, then you start to see that you go through life in phases or chapters. It's not always predictable. The ups and downs, the ebbs and flows, are perfectly normal. You have to find the right balance, because there is a lot of growth that can come from pushing past discomfort, but discomfort and pain are not the same thing. In yoga, we say no pain, no pain. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, but it should not be a sharp pain.

Pain is your body telling you that something isn’t right. It’s not good to ignore it, unless perhaps you’re an elite athlete under the supervision and care of professionals.

As you were talking earlier, it got me wondering – is there any living organism or machine that just keeps producing and outputting without needing some kind of energy source? I don't think so. I couldn't think of anything that just keeps going forever without needing energy renewed or replenished, not even machines. So who am I to think that I’m any different from all the other 7 billion plus humans in the world, that I don't need rest and should be able to just push through, or I’m supposed to be super human?

[K] I have consumed a lot of motivational speeches over time and adopted this belief of just pushing through muscle through the pain, you are a beast. And I realize that to be normal and happy, it's important to take time off. I love that my conversation with you is affirming that, because rather than feeling like a failure for not being able to produce as if I'm a computer, I’ll probably do a lot better in life if I take time for restorative rest.

Getting thoughts out of your head for clarity

[C] That brings up another thing that I believe pretty strongly, which is that you have to get your thoughts out of your head in order to see them more clearly. Simply saying things out loud or journaling them makes it possible to see them for what they are – I am holding myself to an unreasonable standard.

It doesn't always feel like that when you’re just dwelling inside your head. I’ve found that in some ways, my own mind is a dangerous place to live. So I try to get things out of my brain as much as possible and then see them for what they really are.

[K] Absolutely. Journaling is such a powerful tool for doing that, or having conversations like we're having now. I hear myself talk, and I'm like, wait a minute. That sounds quite toxic, as a belief to hold. So I really love the balance that you're speaking of. You need to replenish, take the time. 

Wrap-up/Closing Thoughts

As we wrap up,what would be three items that you want to leave anyone who's listening to this or that you would want to remind me of from this discussion.

[C] The coach in me wants to ask you the same thing! One thought that has come up for me as we're talking is from a book I love, The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is always doing your best, because if you do your best, then there's nothing to ever feel guilty or bad about, and a lot of the suffering we feel is when we look back and think, I should have done more. So always try. 

Second, observe yourself. Whether that's through meditation, talking to someone else, or writing down your thoughts, when you take that step outside of yourself to be able to see things from a slightly different perspective, hopefully there’s less judging, and if you can look at yourself in the same way you would look a good friend or family member, you don’t usually feel the same level of guilt and and shame.

The third idea is asking yourself, What can I learn from this? There won’t always be something that you need to change about yourself. It's not about finding where you are defective, which was my mentality for a time – What can I fix about my broken self? Instead of that, what are some different choices that I could make that are going to better serve me towards what I really care about.

And idea 3.5 is asking yourself, Why am I doing this? I used to have a sticky note on my monitor that said “WIFM?” (What’s in it for me?), what is the purpose of everything that I'm doing? Am I doing this because I think that I'm supposed to, but it doesn't actually bring me any joy or get me closer to things that I really want? Then let it go.

I'm constantly letting go of things, physical and emotional and mental, reassessing. I love Mari Kondo’s approach. She says to thank objects for what they provided you and then say goodbye. It doesn't mean it was worthless, but maybe you've moved on and it is done serving its purpose. You're rejecting something but you're saying thank you and goodbye. 

[K] Moving on to the next thing. I'm like that a lot.

[C] So what about you? What are your top three takeaways?

[K] I'm gonna take one of yours, which is that you're not defective. I’m familiar with the feeling that there's always something to fix about yourself, and the work is never done. It's a positive motivator to always strive for your best. But when it's overdone, you just feel horrible all the time. I'm still navigating this feeling of being defective – it's simply not true. I need to first hold space for the wonderful person that I am. 

So for anyone who's navigating their mid-20s, which can feel so tumultuous: You're not defective.

My second one would be learning to embrace change. And to learn the skills that you may not have had the opportunity to learn yet or you previously felt you couldn't learn. For example, one of those skills for me is math. I used to run far away from math until I got to a certain point in my college career where I told myself, you can run away or you can decide to keep going. 

And lastly, be kind and have grace for yourself, because if you don't, no one else will. And recognize what having grace for yourself means without being an enabler.

[C] That's so important. I love all of those and especially that we're not defective. Growth and development are not about fixing what's wrong, they’re about adding to what you already have and evolving.

[K] Yeah. Certainly.

[C] You have so much wisdom. And it’s partly because you actively seek it. You're a lover of learning and knowledge, so I really enjoy hearing all the things that you've learned because they are helpful reminders to me too.

[K] Thank you. I appreciate the wisdom that you're willing to share. And the ways in which you've seen yourself grow, the things that you've let go of that I would have never thought of in that way. I think taking wisdom from other people who gracefully offer it is one of the best things you can do to learn. But also, it’s so exciting to collaborate on this because we're providing perspectives that are like mine – fresh out of grad school – and yours, that’s a bit calmer and has so much to offer.

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We hope you learned or were reminded of something from these conversations that helps you navigate the challenges and ambiguity in your life!

Life after Lectures, Part 1

What does it really take to navigate the transition from academia to the corporate world? Join me as I delve into a candid conversation with Kadija Samura, a recent Stanford grad, about the challenges and triumphs of entering the professional world. We first met a few months ago through Stanford Alumni Mentoring. Kadija just earned her Masters degree from Stanford’s School of Education, works at a Health tech startup, and is exploring her passions in education, technology, and entrepreneurship.

We thought it would be fun to talk about career and life from our two perspectives - a mid-20s woman who is transitioning from academia to the business world and a middle-aged woman who has been in the workforce for a few decades. Throughout this series, we'll uncover practical strategies, share personal stories, and offer support to anyone facing similar crossroads.

In this series, we talk about embracing challenges as a way to learn and grow to the importance of having the right people around you to support you on your journey, seeking out new experiences, and how to figure out what you want in life. In today’s installation, we cover embracing challenges as a way to learn and grow, the importance of having the right people around you to support you on your journey, and more. Check out the highlights below or listen this podcast for the full conversation.

Navigating Uncertainty and Accepting the Challenge of Growth

[Kadija] I'm figuring out what I want my life to look like. This year, I took several leaps of faith and embraced uncertainty as part of my growth process. What is your take on accepting the challenge of growth, and how has that manifested recently?

[Caroline] That’s been a prominent theme over the last several years for me. I was only 20 when I started my first job, and I believed that you do all of your learning when you're young and then you’re a fully-formed adult. What I found as I got older is that even as an adult, you never feel like you've got it all figured out. Your learning may be stagnant at times, but the potential is always there. You can build on all of your life experiences and knowledge and continue to grow, evolve, and develop as long as you want to.

[K] That's absolutely true.

[C] I personally love change and don’t feel as much resistance to it as most people. Sure, my human nature still gets in the way, but I'm someone who really loves challenge, growth, and transformation.

[K] I completely agree. I’m the type of person that loves to go off on an adventure. I enjoy this through travel, but even if I'm not traveling, adventure shows up in my day-to-day life through learning. I value being a lifelong learner. In accepting the challenge of growth, I've learned the importance of your environment and having the right people around you, such as sponsors. There's a difference between mentors and sponsors, and having sponsors who are willing to guide you into something that might be completely different for you is critical, as well as having or being able to build the right knowledge for a specific area of growth. Lastly, trust that by taking a leap of faith, even if you fall, you can always get back up. That has been my motto: no matter how much I fall, I will get back up.

[C] The more that you fall early on, if you figure out ways to pick yourself up, those skills will stay with you for the rest of your life.

[K] That's true. It is also a skill to learn how to fail. 

[C] I've been lucky – if you can call it that – that I faced some major challenges as a young adult, and being able to bounce back from them gave me the confidence for the rest of my life that when tough things happen – and usually it's unexpected and unplanned – I'll be okay in the long run and I just have to endure. I carry with me an optimism that I can handle whatever comes my way.

[K] Absolutely, I agree. The second part of accepting the challenge of growth is seeking new experiences, which sometimes means failing fast and failing forward. I love that concept. I heard on a podcast that a key part of your 20s entails learning to fail fast and then fail forward to wherever you're trying to go. In order to do that, you need to seek out new experiences and recognize that you're not going to be good at them for a while because you’re like a baby learning to walk and you have to practice again and again and again. 

I have been working on getting a general sense of what I want in life, and then working backwards from that. That has come through many conversations with people who've also walked the path that I am trying to walk.

[C] Who are some examples of those people in your life?

[K] A lot of them don’t even know me personally. I am a huge consumer of podcasts. A podcast I listen to almost daily is a podcast on personal finances, which I think are really important, and also Wisdom from the Top with Guy Raz. He speaks to a lot of Fortune 500 CEOs, like the one who led Target during its security breach. In his conversation the CEO, they discussed what it means to lead in a crisis and the importance of having crisis management skills. 

Then there are mentors and sponsors. Many are from fellowships programs I did internationally as well as my school institutions. Some are family members who I know I can run to and say I need help with X, Y, and Z. And I met you through a call, Caroline, and we discussed what it means to pursue a career in program management while I was pursuing a program manager role. 

It's those connections – both weak and strong – that are making a world of a difference because I have been in academia for so long. I now need to implement everything that I've learned and practiced, and it’s the people around me that are helping me do that.

[C] I believe that everybody you encounter – virtually or in real life, old or young – can be a teacher to you, even if they don't know it. I follow some yoga teachers on YouTube. They may not know that I exist, but they’ve had a lot of influence on me. 

Learning from failures and setbacks

[K] What are some of the lessons that you took from failures and setbacks when you were in your early 20s?

[Caroline] My mom died suddenly during my sophomore year of college. I went through the process of recovering from the most devastating thing that I could ever imagine happening, and I saw it gradually become just a part of my life as I started to move on. This is one of three seminal events that I often share when I talk about building resilience. The second was a devastating earthquake in Kobe, Japan that took the lives of over 6000 people and caused mass destruction. In the aftermath, I felt like I was in a war zone. Seeing an entire city and community rebuild, literally from rubble, gave me perspective on the power of possibility and human resilience. 

My “failure” was a bad marriage that ended in divorce. It was right around the time I turned 30, and I felt like I was living in a fog. It was really terrible and shitty at the time, but I knew that I just had to endure it and would eventually be okay.

[K] That's really incredible.

[C] At the time, I felt self-blame and guilt for my mistakes. I believed I had to face the consequences for screwing up. Fortunately, I’ve learned that I’m only human and we all make mistakes that stem from good intentions. Being ignorant or naive was not my fault. Giving myself grace helps me recuperate from failures more quickly now.

[K] Thank you for sharing that. As women we’re often taught to beat ourselves up with a club for making mistakes, or we (or those around us) put extremely high expectations on ourselves. This need for perfection has led me to near paralysis when I’ve felt like I can't perform perfectly on the first try. 

I'm also an eldest child and I feel pressure to be a perfect model to everybody around me. I want my sisters to be able to look up to me and aspire to follow in my footsteps, but in doing so, I'm causing myself damage. There are times when I really want to try something but I don’t because I'm worried I'll fail and other people will judge me. Navigating the challenge of how others perceive me stresses me out! 

I also feel other internal pressures, and the best thing I can do for myself is speak to myself kindly. If I beat myself up, I open the door for the rest of the world to confirm whatever limiting beliefs I have about myself.

[C] I can relate to that so much. I know from my mentoring and coaching experience that most people struggle with that, especially high achievers. If you're in an environment like Stanford, for example, with an unusually high concentration of high achievers – maybe even overachievers – with all these amazing talents, you almost can’t help but lose perspective and develop imposter syndrome and perfectionist tendencies. 

That's something I've had to overcome over and over. You think you’ve got the doubt and insecurity under control, but they creep back in different ways. Once your focus shifts to something new, some of these unproductive thoughts slowly come back. Life just becomes more complicated, and you have to learn to apply the same lessons in increasingly complex situations. 

Dealing with Complexity

[K] How do you accept the challenge of growth when the complexities of life show up? For example, when you’re in school, it's a very curated environment. You go to classes, do your work, etc. And the rest of your life, you work, take care of family, do so many different things and learn to change in the process. It's a push and pull – I want efficiency, but change takes time and might require some lack of structure at first.

[C] I love applying the analogy of building muscle to growth and skill-building. Muscles need to break down before they can get stronger and grow bigger, and it's a slow, painful process. You might feel sore. Recovery is super important. If you really want to gain strength and build muscle mass, you have to work until total failure, till you can’t complete another rep. So failure is actually necessary and it allows you to come back stronger after you recover. 

I still kind of feel like a kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing. I don't think you ever reach the point where you have it all figured out and just go through the motions. And frankly, that would be boring!

I've come to embrace being challenged and doing hard things. When unexpected things happen or you face uncertainty, if you know that uncertainty is just part of life and can't be avoided, you see that it’s a waste of energy to resist, resent, or fear it – it's not going to change the outcome. I decided not to – at least consciously – spend my energy on feeling like that because it doesn't help me in any way - it tends to be detrimental to my well-being. 

Letting go of Worry

[C] I remember a moment when I was in grad school, which was so much harder than undergrad, when I was super stressed and lay awake at night with all these thoughts spinning around in my head. I realized that worrying endlessly wasn’t productive; it just made me miserable. I had heard a saying, “Who by worrying adds another hair to their head?” That really resonated for me: I'm not adding any hair, but I am turning the ones I have white. 

Since then, when I notice myself worrying, I remind myself: this is pointless. I know that it isn’t easy to just flip the switch, but I did experience a change in my mindset. I understood that worrying is just a form of self-torture, and I don’t want that. 

When you can recognize the negative thoughts and limiting beliefs as they happen, they suddenly lose their hold on you. So I may feel scared while facing a new thing I haven't done before – I might even experience a physical reaction – but if I’m pursuing something that I want and am excited about, I remind myself that discomfort is just part of the process to get to where I want to be and it won’t always feel like this. 

To listen to our full discussion, check out this podcast. Stay tuned for part 2, where we discuss the cycle of learning and how to overcome limiting beliefs.

All You Need is One

I have a phrase I often repeat to coaching clients who are overwhelmed and discouraged by seemingly insurmountable odds in their job search or pursuit of other crucial personal goals: “All you need is one.”

It’s easy to feel discouraged when, from a numbers standpoint, the odds are against you. There are hundreds – if not thousands – of competitors vying for a few job openings and it seems unlikely you’ll ever find a job. The low probability of a “hit” can lead to a sense of hopelessness.

You might have heard of job seekers applying to any and every role that they remotely qualify for, hoping to increase their chances. Sure, not every role is a great fit, but if they squint hard enough, it looks fine. They’ll work hard and can learn quickly. So what if the jobs don’t quite meet the seeker’s criteria? I’ve seen posts on LinkedIn where job hunters are understandably disheartened after applying to hundreds of jobs and only hearing back from a handful. 

While well-intentioned, this kind of searching is a recipe for frustration. It’s frustrating because you’re putting in a lot of effort without getting much in return. And let’s be honest – from a hiring manager’s perspective, while I’m willing to give a candidate the benefit of the doubt and consider their potential, I’m not interested in hiring someone who seems to be settling - I want to hire an employee who knows what they want and is excited to take the role I’m offering!

Trying to beat the odds and looking at things purely from a quantitative standpoint comes from a Scarcity mindset - a feeling of desperation that leads to conforming to someone else’s needs, even if it means twisting yourself into uncomfortable shapes to be accepted and compromising your own standards. You view life as a zero sum game - if someone else succeeds, then you fail. Think of this as a Seller mindset - you’ll do anything to make the sale. 

But remember, all you need is one.

Instead of trying to beat the odds or muscling your way to get whatever you can find, focus on what you truly want. Once you’re really clear on that, you can make a more targeted effort and you’re more likely to succeed. By adopting an Abundance mindset, you can focus on what you want and creating opportunities that match your values and goals. You open yourself up to infinite possibilities and can focus on generating solutions. You believe there is plenty out there for everybody. Instead of being a Seller, be a Buyer with the power to walk away from anything that doesn’t meet your standards. You only need one, so make it count.

To cultivate an Abundance mindset, start by recognizing your worth. Remember who you are and all that you have to offer, remember the things you’re grateful for, and remember that you don’t have to settle for less than you deserve. All you need is one, so focus your efforts towards what you really want. 

This might mean taking a step back to get clear on your values and priorities, and then working on your message. Then get that message out, making your intentions known, telling your friends and family, and strategically growing your network.

It’s easy to slip into Scarcity thinking, but don’t give up. When you have focus and dedication in your pursuit of what you truly want, success becomes far more attainable. 

Remember,  all you need is one.

Burnout Resources

Following up on my burnout story from last week, I wanted to share some of the resources that I found most helpful during my recovery.

Books

These books all cover similar themes and are helpful for managing anxiety or other emotional distress and shifting your mindset, from a few different perspectives:

• Engineer and former Google exec: Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy by Mo Gawdat

• Harvard Medical School Psychologist: Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David

• Neuropsychologist: Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom by Rick Hanson

Fried.The Burnout Podcast

This entire podcast, hosted by Cait Donovan, is dedicated to the topic of burnout. Hear stories of burnout from people in all sorts of occupations and walks of life. Here are a few episodes I found useful, but there are well over 200 available:

• Newton Cheng: I Burned Out in Corporate and Stayed - This Is How

• #straightfromcait: You're Burnt Out. Here's What That Means About You

• straightfromcait: How to Start Your Burnout Recovery

• #straightfromcait: Is it a Burnout Relapse or Have You Been Burnt Out This Whole Time?

Tools for Burnout Causes and Symptoms

Reducing Resentment and Denial

Burnout is about resentment. It's about knowing what matters to you so much that if you don't get it that you're resentful.

–Marissa Mayer, former CEO of Yahoo: 

During my burnout, I felt a loss of hope and sense of powerlessness, and I learned that this is quite common. One of my yoga teachers said that hope is optimism plus agency, and I was lacking both. Some of my core values were being neglected. Here are some practices that helped:

• Optimism: Practice gratitude and appreciation on a regular basis, either writing them down, sharing with someone else, or simply reflecting on what you are grateful for. Notice the glimmers everywhere.

• Acceptance: I learned about the power of saying yes to whatever situation or emotion comes my way, not because I approve or like them, but because they represent reality, and no amount of refusal or negative feelings on my part will change that.

• Agency: Take responsibility for your life and practice taking action in the areas of your life where you have some control.

• Autonomy: Where are you not able to do what you want when you want to, and what are some ways you could give yourself more autonomy? Start small and see how that changes how you feel.

Managing Fear and Anxiety

I had strong feelings of fear that included failure at work, loss of financial security for my family, never being able to find another job, and a sense of having no marketable skills. My fears manifested in various ways: anxiety, feelings of overwhelm, lack of confidence, depersonalization, inner emptiness, depression, mental exhaustion, and despair. What helped me in moments of panic or anxiety attacks:

• Face the fears - Instead of avoiding or pushing down your fears, imagine what a worst case scenario might look like. It’s especially effective when you write it out or say it outloud to another person. Then ask yourself:

• What would you do if the worse case actually happened?

• Are the things you fear real? 

This exercise helped me to realize that despite all the terrible thoughts I had swirling in my mind, nothing truly bad had happened in the real world to me, and a lot of this was a product of my active imagination.

• Mindfulness practices when I felt heightened emotions:

• 3 point check-in - Ask yourself these questions to ground in the present:

• What am I thinking? 

• What am I feeling? 

• What am I doing?

• 5 senses

• Happy List - Make a list of as many things that you can think of that make you happy, following the prompt  “I am happy when…” In the moments when you feel strong negative emotions, read through or bring to mind your Happy List.

Releasing the Weight of the World from your shoulders

There were a lot of things going on in the world, at my company, in my organization at multiple levels, and in my family that I was unhappy about. I made these my problems, and this left me feeling guilty and overwhelmed, like I was a failure, an imposter, and generally unworthy. The following practices helped me to stop feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders:

• Acknowledge that the problems are bigger than you, and are not your fault.

• Recognize that you are doing your best, and the problems are not an indication that you are not good enough.

• Know that your job is not to prove yourself as worthy or deserving, but to bring forth the skills and experience that got you hired in the first place.

• Remember that worrying (spiraling with anxiety) won’t actually change anything.

Managing Perfectionist Tendencies

I wrote an entire blog post on the topic of perfectionism. The way to break free is to intentionally practice doing things that go against your perfectionist tendencies: Send an email without proofreading it. Leave dirty dishes in the sink. You get the idea. This lets you see that the world will not fall apart if you are not perfect. If you happen to make a misstep, you will recover, and the consequences are usually much less severe than we imagine.

Boosting Esteem and Self-Worth

At the peak of my burnout symptoms, I lost my self-confidence and felt like I had no skills or anything else of value to offer, and that I’d never be able to return to my job or get another job. I had lost my sense of self and forgotten who I was. What helped was remembering who I was:

• Do a resume review - Reflect back on the past jobs you’ve had, projects you’ve worked on in school, or other group activities you participated in like sports, clubs, and volunteer activities. List some of the things you accomplished that you are most proud of, along with the skills you developed or applied to do them.

• Make a list of positive things about yourself – things that you admire or are proud of.

• Be patient and persistent - It takes time and consistent practice to change your mindset and attitudes.

• Revisit your past self - Read past journal entries, look at photos, or watch videos to remind yourself of who you are, what you have already experienced, and the wisdom you already have. I even read some of my own blog posts and found helpful reminders and insights that I had forgotten.

Accepting and Asking for help

One reason I got overwhelmed at work was that I felt I had to prove myself in my new team, and I wasn’t effectively delegating or asking for help. I needed a reminder that it’s okay not to do everything myself, and in fact it’s better not to. Delegating is a great way to practice letting go while also giving opportunities to other people and prioritizing things that can only be done by you.

Remember, you are not alone. Burnout can be very isolating, but it’s very likely that you are surrounded by people who understand what you are going through. We all need other people to give us hope and encouragement. I’m forever grateful to the countless people who listened, shared resources, and checked in just to let me know they were thinking of me.

Oops!...I Did It Again - Burnout Part Deux

As Mental Health Awareness Month shines a light on personal struggles, I wanted to share the second chapter of my burnout story, which happened at the end of last year. I’ve already shared my first experience from a couple years ago, but this time felt completely different. It felt like I was perpetually stuck in a constant state of burnout and would never return to my previous self. This led me to take significant steps to address the burnout, including a three-month mental health leave from work. During this time, I gained a much deeper understanding of what causes burnout, how to recover from it, and how to prevent it from happening again.

I know my experience with burnout isn’t unique. These are tough times for many, with some already facing burnout and others feeling close to the edge. The greatest gift I received during this time was the outpouring of empathy and support from others, some who encouraged me to take the necessary time away from work, truly understanding the situation I was in. 

Before I get into the details, I want to let you know that I’m able to write about this publicly because I’m in a good place now with my mental and emotional health. And if the following details start to feel like too much for you, feel free to skip this one. I promise I won’t take it personally.

The 12 Stages of Burnout from Herbert Freudenberger & Gail North

To begin, how did I get burned out?

It was late September 2023. I had started a new role within my company a couple of months before. Things started out great and I felt happy and light with the change. I took a relaxing and spiritual trip to Santa Fe with some girlfriends. And then suddenly I began to feel overwhelmed by my workload, struggling to absorb and process information. I was stressed and would wake up in the middle of the night full of anxiety and could not fall back asleep. During the day, I sat nearly speechless in meetings, feeling stuck and paralyzed. My confidence plummeted. My new manager was supportive and advised me to ask others for help, but I had forgotten how to delegate. And despite my shiny new job, I was unhappy about countless things at the macro level – layoffs and economic uncertainty, shifts in the tech industry, political turmoil, and wars – and all of these contributed to my growing sense of chaos, distress, and hopelessness. 

Then my anxiety escalated to panic attacks - I could not fathom driving to the office and acting normal. I was not willing to compromise my health, so I contemplated quitting my job. But as the breadwinner of my family, the idea of being unemployed without a backup plan quickly sent me into panic mode again. I was not in any condition to update my resume after over 16 years at the same company and face the highly competitive job market, and I truly believed that I had no marketable skills to offer. Fortunately, we had recently reconnected with a friend who had taken a few months of leave and my husband suggested that mental health leave might be a better choice than making a major decision while emotionally distressed. 

So with no advance notice, I took leave immediately, navigating the process to apply for short-term disability while trying to find a provider who could submit the required paperwork. After a bad experience with a virtual therapist that led to further panic attacks, I had a virtual consultation with a healthcare provider who was empathetic and compassionate. She advised me to take more time for leave than I thought I needed, and gave me some helpful tips for self-care. The process of getting leave approval was an ordeal in itself due to my desperation, but within a couple of weeks I had it. I didn’t believe I’d ever be able to return to work, but at least I had some time to figure things out.

The next challenge was figuring out how to spend my time during leave. My new therapist advised me to focus on self-care and activities that didn’t require me to be productive, but my entire identity was based on being someone who got things done, so I added depression to my list of mental health struggles. I felt immense guilt for getting into this situation and putting my family at risk, though I also recognized that nothing bad had actually happened to us outside of my imagination. Every morning, I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety and the smallest, most trivial things triggered panic attacks. I became aware that I had evolved my life routine to include self-imposed practices, habits, and expectations that added up to a huge pile of repeating pressures. My first task was to make my life more manageable by reducing the physical and virtual clutter that had become unnecessarily expensive, time-consuming, and complicated. 

My mental health got worse before it got better. In the early days, when I read books where people shared their personal battles, all I could think about was how they managed to get their acts together and were able to do amazing things afterwards, unlike me. I felt like a loser because I had no confidence or memory of the person who had done impressive things in the past. It was no longer with me but I was made aware of all these exceptional people who seemed to possess something I didn’t. Every day was full of emotional ups and downs. My husband and I had to travel for a family event, and while the change of scenery and time with family lifted my spirits a bit, I was still just a shell of my previous self and was worried about being a downer at what was supposed to be a celebration.

I spent my days going on a lot of walks, reading books, and writing. I attended Bhakti classes with my favorite yoga teacher Jen, who played the harmonium and led us through uplifting Kirtan chants. I did a lot of texting with friends. A bright light during this time was connecting with people I cared about who knew me. I was immensely touched that people reached out with a kind word or offers to help, and tried to take as many people up on their offers as possible.

Then a few weeks in I had a pivotal call with a friend that lasted over 2 hours. She worked at the same company and had been through her share of difficulty at work, plus she was suffering from debilitating pain. And yet she kept going, and was able to appreciate how lucky she was to have a job that paid well and offered generous health insurance. I was in awe of her strength, and her encouragement and positive outlook helped me realize what I had going for me - no major physical health issues, a home in a place I love, and a job. I realized that if I stopped trying to prove myself, please others, or gain external validation, it would relieve most of the pressure I felt. It was okay if not everything I did was successful every time. Shortly after I got off the phone, another friend sent me a link to a webinar advertising a program for high-achieving women who are at risk of burnout who want more from their lives. It sparked a little flame in me to be a bad-ass bitch who could see the value I bring just for being me, someone who acted from courage, not fear. One of the principles they promoted was to stop proving yourself and get past the fear that working differently will ruin your reputation and results.

I started getting more messages from the universe to help me. The next day in yoga class, Jen said that hope is optimism plus agency. I had just read an article about how hope is more effective at improving your well-being than optimism, because hope is a conviction that you can act to make things better in some way. Next, my therapist sent me an article about the power of saying yes to something that you don’t like and practicing acceptance rather than fighting or complaining; this lets you free yourself to put your energy into action instead. I saw that I had been trying to fight things outside of my control and was able to come to a place of acceptance. This was the beginning of my recovery.

I continued to meet, email, and text with friends and colleagues who generously gifted to me their nuggets of wisdom, book recommendations, and encouragement. I had moments where I was able to help others too, a welcome distraction from my own troubles. I decided to re-engage with a different therapist who was more familiar with my history and job. And after some hesitation, I took the plunge and signed up for the program in the webinar, a significant investment of money and time. I felt like it was my last shot to help me change and the material and structure were exactly what I needed at the moment. One of the initial assignments was to pick a word that represented why I was doing the program, and the first thing that came to my mind was Rebirth. I may have been broken and died in a way, but I could be reborn, better than before, like the phoenix rising from the ashes. 

I started to feel hopeful, emerging from the worst point of anxiety and depression, but going back to work still felt out of my reach. My greatest fear was returning too soon, without my confidence and sense of self, and plummeting back into burnout. The next few weeks were still a roller coaster, but I kept doing my assignments for the program. I had moments of frustration with my slow progress and wondered if it had been a mistake, but I can see in hindsight that rewiring neural pathways takes time and consistent practice. During this time, I had a party for my milestone birthday. It felt good to gather with friends from various phases of my life, yet it was certainly not how I envisioned commemorating this landmark.

Then during a therapy session it dawned on me that a lot of my guilt, shame, and other negative emotions stemmed from perfectionist tendencies. Realizing how pervasive they were left me despondent as I added yet another thing to fix about myself to my mental list. Shortly after that, a co-worker sent me a link to a podcast dedicated to the topic of burnout. I listened to several episodes and started to get a better understanding of how I had burned out. 

Near the end of my second month, things really started shifting and I discovered the mindblowing feeling of having a sense of self-worth for who I am, not what I do. Discussing this with a few close friends and my husband helped me to further process this concept, solidify my understanding, and truly believe that I am enough. I felt a new lightness, sense of relief, and inspiration. I reflected on this in my journal: “I am already enough. I have everything I need and can do anything I set my mind on.” This was my Rebirth. 

After assessing which of my essential needs were not being met, I began trying new strategies to increase my autonomy and sense of purpose. This freed me from becoming depleted. As I regained self-confidence, I volunteered for an Adopt-a-Family project in my community that delivered holiday gifts to low-income families. When the leader asked me to co-lead the program, I was wary of overcommitting myself while still in the recovery process, but ultimately I listened to my heart and said yes. It was often intense, yet gave me ample opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries while witnessing the generous spirit of over a hundred donors and amazing volunteers who gave their time and talents to provide gifts, blankets, and essential household items to 300 individuals across 70 families.

Successfully managing this project instilled the confidence I needed to feel ready to return to work. Almost immediately, I was hit with news of layoffs and re-orgs, but I endured the turmoil; I didn’t relapse. I learned to set boundaries and delegate again. This allowed me to protect my needs and find joy in my work and life. I invest in myself and things that bring me joy. I know that I have many acceptable alternatives to saying yes to others and that I have nothing to prove. I no longer operate from a place of fear that I’ll disappoint or fail others, but from a place of peace. I understand that my job is to influence, not just to get things done. And I see risk and the possibility of failure as a necessary ingredient to greatness.

If you made it this far in my story, thank you for staying with me. It was a lot. Next time I’ll share the tools and resources that helped me most.

Planting Seeds

Have you ever felt stuck, yearning for something – like an ambitious goal – but unsure how to get there? The “right” path seems elusive. I know I have, many times in fact. That's why, whenever someone seeks guidance, I encourage them to simply take action. Any small step towards their goal is like planting a seed. It doesn't have to be perfect, just a beginning. This idea came to life for me last week at a mindfulness retreat in Costa Rica. As we brainstormed with a fellow participant who felt trapped by her circumstances, the metaphor of planting seeds emerged. Then, as I was getting ready to head back home, the next podcast in my queue serendipitously echoed the same theme. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

What it means to plant seeds

There are a few distinct ways to approach the concept of planting seeds. I like to think of them as the three I's: Initiate, Influence, and Invest.

1. Initiate

Perhaps the simplest way to plant a seed is to make progress toward your goal. What is one action that you could take right now? The point is to do something to get yourself unstuck, especially if you’ve been hesitating due to uncertainty or doubt. Instead of wishing you could have something or worrying about whether you’ll succeed, look at it as an opportunity to learn and gain more knowledge about how you can get closer to what you want.

• Example: Early last year, I posted in my local Mom’s group, offering my coaching services. It was scary, but I got a couple of responses. While those initial leads didn’t pan out, it was an essential first step.

2. Influence

You can plant seeds in other people's minds. Here, the seed is an idea. We often hesitate to share our ideas for fear of rejection, but if you don't communicate what you want, how can anyone know? They can’t read your mind.

• Example: This is a common theme with my internal coaching clients who are seeking career advancement. Whether it's a promotion or a stretch opportunity, you need others to help you get there. Who are the key decision-makers and potential advocates or sponsors? The first step is often simply letting them know what you're aiming for.

3. Invest

Time and money are precious resources. Making even a small investment in something you want helps to strengthen your commitment.

• Example: When I was exploring yoga teaching and personal training, someone advised getting certified (in anything) as a starting point. This led me to enroll in yoga teacher training. Similarly, my interest in coaching prompted me to research certification programs and sign up for one that fit my busy schedule. These were significant investments. Later, when unsure of my coaching path, I opted for smaller investments by taking free Coursera courses on subjects ranging from Writing to Positive Psychology to Machine Learning..

Planting seeds isn't always about grand gestures. It's about taking intentional action, influencing others, and investing your resources – even in small ways – to nurture growth toward your goals.

What happens next

Once you’ve planted your seeds, the next stage is nurturing and observing. Here are three key principles to remember during this time.

1. Be patient

It takes time to see a sprout, but that doesn’t mean nothing is happening. Roots need to form before a plant emerges from the soil. Over a year had passed since that Facebook post when, out of the blue, a neighbor who’d seen it inquired about coaching a few weeks ago. Timing can be unpredictable, but there are often actions you can take while waiting.

2. Continue to cultivate

Plants need proper light and water to thrive. Just as “the grass is greener where you water it,” consider what weeds – limiting beliefs or obstacles – might be choking your progress. Enrich the soil you’re in by planting yourself around supportive people who want the same thing as you – you’ll all benefit from each other’s presence. 

Additionally, the more certainty you feel about your goal, the more you should cultivate. The amount of effort you’re willing to invest may be a sign of your certainty or commitment. Even a lack of certainty can be valuable information that helps to steer you in a different direction. Case in point: A few weeks ago, I scattered some seeds in a neglected corner of our yard. The area lacked direct sunlight and I didn’t bother to water it. So what happened? Unsurprisingly, nothing grew.

3. Not all seeds will sprout

Despite your best efforts, some of the seeds you plant won’t take root, for a variety of reasons. The conditions or timing might not be right, or perhaps it’s the seed itself. This is a reminder that we don’t always control the outcome. 

You may discover unexpected opportunities sprouting from your efforts. These aren't random luck, but results of the seeds you've sown through past words and actions.

While in an area of Costa Rica popular with surfers, I took a surfing lesson – my second one ever. I failed during my first attempt many years ago and hoped my improved strength and balance meant I’d fare better this time. Unfortunately, I couldn't stand up on my board. While frustrating, it wasn’t a crushing defeat because it dawned on me that even if I had succeeded, surfing wouldn’t bring me the bliss I’d hoped for. I kept trying, but deep down, I knew that surfing wasn’t for me. While I was drawn to the idea of surfing – the vibe, the coolness, the strength and balance – I can embody those qualities in other ways. I’ll keep my admiration for surfers but let go of the idea that I need to be one.

Patience, consistent cultivation, and acceptance that not all seeds will thrive are essential for growth. Remember, unexpected opportunities can still sprout from the seeds you've sown. Where will you plant your next seed?

Unlock the Cage: Emotional Triggers

Glimmers in the sky: cloud iridescence (photo credit: Chris Robinson)

A few weeks ago I saw a meme explaining glimmers – the opposite of triggers – and the next day, YouTube suggested a Glimmer-themed yoga video. The universe was sending me a message! It’s so easy to feel bombarded by negative news and the constant churn of change and uncertainty. This turns our internal narrative a little paranoid, letting positive experiences slide right off our backs while clinging to the bad stuff. This negativity bias, while once helpful for survival, can magnify modern problems into life-or-death threats. Thankfully, by embracing glimmers we can chip away at the negativity bias and learn to manage those emotional triggers.

Why we get triggered

Human beings (and other mammals) possess a negativity bias that weights negative signals more heavily than positive signals. This bias was helpful in the early days of human existence in the face of frequent mortal threats such as predators, heightening our focus and triggering the flight-or-flight response necessary for survival. Individuals with a stronger negativity bias were more likely to survive these encounters. While the types of negative stimuli we encounter are rarely at the level of life and death, our physiological response sometimes makes us experience them as strongly as we might with a matter of life and death. 

We don’t just notice negative stimuli more; we tend to ruminate on them, which is why traumatic events – and even minor setbacks or arguments – can linger long after they’ve passed. This negativity bias helps explain why we get emotionally triggered, and why unhooking from the triggers can be challenging. Think about a time you had a negative interaction with a stranger. Did you find yourself replaying the experience in your mind, dwelling on the negativity, while forgetting any positive interactions you had that day? This tendency to amplify the negative is a powerful force. It can shape our perceptions, making us gloss over our accomplishments and hyper-focus on criticisms. My personal example is how I used to read my performance reviews. I would skim through any praise, and then zero in on the smallest bit of constructive feedback at the end. The perceived criticism became magnified, driving me to tears. Perhaps you can relate to this feeling of the negative overshadowing the positive..

Negativity bias makes us more susceptible to negative news, and the reality is that news already tends to skew negative. On top of that, the lightning speed of information today creates a constant bombardment, making it feel like the world is in a perpetual state of crisis. From national and global issues to local concerns and industry-specific challenges, negativity seems ever-present. Add to that the usual challenges of work, family, and friendships, and it's no wonder we feel overwhelmed, and helpless. I once made a long list (a spreadsheet, actually) of all my problems – I do not recommend doing this – and it contributed to my feelings of overwhelm and helplessness.

The problem is, our bodies react to a threat with the same intensity whether it's immediate and physical or simply a worrisome thought. This fight-or-flight response, while meant to be protective, can cloud our judgment. When we identify too strongly with negative emotions – perhaps a coworker's comment sparks old feelings of inadequacy – it becomes difficult to think clearly and find a solution.

The good news is, with an awareness of negativity bias, we can learn to manage its influence and cultivate a more balanced perspective.

Glimmers are the antidote

Thankfully, there's an antidote to this negativity trap: glimmers. The concept of glimmers, attributed to Deb Dana, a clinician specializing in polyvagal theory, focuses on tiny moments that inspire joy or wonder. These can be sweet, simple things – a piece of art, the beauty of nature, a smile, or cuddling your pet. Noticing glimmers, savoring the moment, and gathering positive experiences creates a shift in your mindset, balancing out the inevitable negative experiences and benefiting your mental health by changing how your mind works and how you experience the world.  Glimmers help to ease emotional distress, allowing you to think more logically and take constructive action.

So how do you invite more glimmers into your life?

• Look for them - It’s as simple as being intentional and looking out for them. By being present and open, you’ll start noticing the glimmers that are already happening all around you. 

• Savor them - Notice your emotions and bodily sensations as you experience the glimmer. It doesn’t take long – 20 seconds or less – to start to etch the positive experiences into your memory. Take this even further by sharing them with someone else, which creates a sense of connection.

• Collect them -  Keep track of your glimmers in a glimmer journal, reflect on them at bedtime, or make a photo album. My album includes pictures of homemade artisan bread, stunning sunrises, unique landscapes, cloud iridescence, rainbows, cherished memories with friends… even the snails that live in my front yard! Going through my glimmer photos always makes me smile.

What simple things bring you a glimmer of joy? Start noticing and see how it shifts your days.

Snails! (photo credit: Chris Robinson)