Too Good To Be True?

Have you ever had a time when things were going really well in your life and you felt lucky? Then the feeling turns to something less positive, like guilt. I don’t deserve this. Or wariness - I must be deluded, or missing something. A few such instances in my life still stand out to me, because I felt like things were too good to possibly be true. When it happened again a little while back, I became curious to learn why. It turns out that this is a pretty common thing we humans do.

What it looks (and feels) like

The first time I can remember having this feeling was in the year after I got married to my best friend and amazing husband. I had started a new job at a great company and we moved back to a place I loved, the Bay Area. I felt like we were living a charmed life, but I also felt uneasy that things were going so well in multiple areas. What had I done to deserve it? Was this how my life would be from then on? While that feeling did not last forever, it has stood out in my memory for being a puzzling reaction to good fortune.

It turns out there is a name for this feeling of happiness anxiety, cherophobia. It might happen after you have achieved success or are feeling happy following a stressful period. You might feel like you don’t deserve your success, or guilty. You are worried about losing the good things you’ve gotten, maybe because you fear you’ll self-sabotage the situation, or that just one false move could ruin it all. Or you believe nothing will ever be this good again.

Why it happens

There are many explanations for these feelings. It turns out that excitement is very similar to anxiety, and your brain registers it similarly to a difficult event. This can get in the way of both your brain and your body being able to fully enjoy it. Anxiety is an exhausting emotion - you might feel intimidated or overwhelmed by your fortune and there is a sense of additional responsibility. 

Any kind of change, even positive, brings a sense of uncertainty or unfamiliarity - maybe you’re not used to good things happening to you. If you have past trauma, it may be difficult to accept the good without guilt. Maybe you’re worried that because others around you are not experiencing the same thing, they may not be happy for you, or worse, you might make them feel bad if you share your success.

Perfectionists tend to associate happiness with unproductive activity, and this may bring up fear of losing control or letting yourself down. 

It could be a defense mechanism trying to avoid disappointment or pain in the future, making you want to prepare for the worst case scenario.

In my case, I had recently recovered from burnout, so it made sense that I might be wary of things being good in my life when the last few years consisted of a global pandemic, racial tensions, high work stress, and economic uncertainty. Still, I didn’t want these feelings to overshadow the joy and gratitude I felt.

What to do

Fortunately, being aware of my cognitive dissonance is a step in the right direction. It helps to acknowledge the negative thoughts and recognize that it’s not the same as your run-of-the-mill, fear-based anxiety. Ask yourself whether there is really a problem, and if you have a tendency to catastrophize, challenge the what-ifs going through your mind. Find someone you trust, tell them about it, and talk it out. Take a few deep breaths so you can be more grounded and present. Then reframe how you look at uncertainty - you may not know what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad. Allow yourself to savor the feeling of happiness and appreciate the good that you have accomplished, celebrating your wins and progress. This trains your brain to experience positive emotions.

In order to boost your feelings of happiness, make sure you have balance in your life - don’t overwork, eat healthy meals, and get rest and sleep. Adopt strategies to promote happiness in general - listen to upbeat music, practice gratitude, learn something new, and be generous and do something nice for someone else.

The next time you are anticipating a positive change, you can makes it less ambiguous by planning your steps incrementally and bringing more intentionality.

Life is full of challenges, so it may be surprising when good things happen to you. Make sure you are able to make the most of your positive moments and feel the happiness that you deserve!