Filling Your Cup, Part 3: Security and Esteem

Just two more days until the end of the year! I’m wrapping up my three-part series on the seven essential needs we all have with an exploration of security and esteem (see my previous articles about health, leisure, and autonomy and purpose and connection). I saved these two for last because, in many cultures, success is defined by achievement and financial success, and we tend to spend a lot of effort on meeting our esteem and security needs already, often at the expense of the other five. You might not need a reminder to think more about these needs, but maybe you can make small changes to meet them more effectively, without neglecting your other needs. In recent months, I’ve learned that security, while not my top priority, is essential to my well-being. I’ve also learned what it means to meet my need for esteem through a sense of self-worth, truly a game changer.

Woman hugging herself

Security

Security means being safe from physical harm (having shelter, protection from danger), emotional harm (fear, anxiety), and “the state of being able to reliably afford or access what is needed to meet one's basic needs” (Merriam-Webster). For some, security means earning as much income as possible, while for others it means feeling okay spending money on things that are important to them. We tend to pay more attention to our need for security when there is constant change.

As a risk tolerant person, I usually don’t worry about security that much, but I still need it like everyone else. Even if making lots of money is not one of my top aspirations, as a parent and breadwinning woman, I do feel responsible to provide financial security for shelter, clothing, and stability for my family. When I feel that my family’s security is at risk, fear and anxiety rear their ugly heads.m I meet my security needs by saving for retirement, periodically looking at where we’re spending money that we don’t need to, and having a backup plan for unexpected changes in income.

What could you do to more effectively meet your own need for security? What is working well already and what could you drop?

Esteem

Esteem is a topic that could easily fill an entire article and hours of therapy. It’s about recognizing your inner worth based on your unique qualities and a belief that you are capable of handling whatever circumstances come your way and you deserve good things. We’re all born with esteem, but as we grow up we gradually lose self-esteem and develop a fear that we are not worthy or capable. Then we look for external validation or constantly try to prove our worthiness and capability through what we do or through outward symbols like expensive possessions or extravagant lifestyle choices. Unfortunately, that can lead to making choices that prevent you from getting your other needs met, like putting work before everything else in your life, not asking for help, trying to avoid failure at all costs, and saying yes to something that isn’t good for you because you don’t want to disappoint others. 

Does any of that sound familiar? For as long as I can remember, my identity has been connected to my achievements and what I do. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments, but I felt like I needed to keep producing at a high level of productivity to prove my capability and value. This came at the cost of getting my autonomy and purpose needs met, ultimately leaving me burned out and depleted.

A more constructive way to meet your need for esteem is through internal validation, letting your esteem come from within. When you do this, you can move through the world with the ease that comes from inner confidence and security, and your mind can access more effective options when you have to make tough decisions and face challenging situations. You will also have more confidence and peace in your decisions.

So how do you do this? The idea of valuing myself for who I am and not what I do was hard for me to fathom. It’s not like I could just decide to do it and flip a switch. It took persistence and time to recognize the unique qualities and strengths that I bring with me and use in daily life. Over time, I came to understand that these qualities were more important than the amount of time or effort that I put in, and that simply being who I am is enough to bring value. I find it’s very easy to see character strengths in others, but for whatever reason when we turn the lens on ourselves, it takes much more intention and effort. When you believe in your own ability, you know you are capable of handling whatever turn of events you may face. And when you believe that you are worthy, you know that you can enjoy your life and well-being without having to suffer to earn it.

You are truly unique for who you are and not just what you do. If this is something you find hard to believe or understand, start by regularly celebrating your successes, especially the small wins. Progress comes incrementally, even if you wish it happened instantly and all at once, so it’s important to recognize your progress in order to keep the momentum going and fuel your future success. The end of the year is an opportune time to reflect back on what has gone well for you and acknowledge just how capable and deserving you are, so whether you like to journal or talk it through with a friend or coach, I hope you will take a few minutes to do this as a gift to yourself.