Connection

First things first - Happy Birthday to my husband and best friend, Chris! We were lucky to celebrate with good friends–including one who shares the same birthday–on a cruise in the San Francisco Bay. We got a rare family photo where both of my kids are smiling for real, plus the wind made my hair crazy!

I’ve been thinking about the importance of connection lately, in the context of returning to the office at work and being able to spend more time in person with people in general after emerging from a couple years of relative isolation. It’s interesting to notice how much I enjoy being around other people, because I’m the kind of introvert who will go to great lengths to avoid talking to another human (especially on the phone) for many situations in life. And yet, I know first hand that feeling a sense of connection to others and the world around us is essential for our happiness and overall well-being. When I am able to overcome my apprehension about talking to a stranger on the phone, it’s never as bad as I imagine, and usually quite pleasant. 

I recently read How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan, which is about psychedelics and their potential to heal and transform our minds. One example that Pollan cites is helping people with addiction, including alcoholism. He describes research suggesting that psychedelics can help to break the cycle of addiction by helping people to connect with their inner selves, with others, and with the natural world. The premise is that addiction is a form of disconnection, where a substance fills the void when we are not getting connection elsewhere.

The book includes the example of a man struggling with alcoholism who took psilocybin mushrooms in a clinical setting. He had a profound experience where he felt a deep sense of connection with the universe and with the people around him. He also felt a sense of peace and well-being that he had not felt in years. This experience helped the man to break the cycle of addiction. He realized that he no longer needed to turn to alcohol to feel connected or to feel good, and was able to find a new sense of purpose and meaning in his life.

Human connection is necessary for our mental health. It helps us to be able to regulate our emotions and to have higher self-esteem and empathy. It’s no coincidence that when we’re suffering from anxiety and other mental health challenges, we feel disconnected. When you’ve established a connection to another person, there is no longer any sense of, “us vs. them”, and it becomes easier to build trust. You’re more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt. And there are also physical health benefits to connection, including a strong immune system, longevity, and lower risk of chronic illness.

But what if you’ve been isolated or lonely for a while and maybe you’ve forgotten how to relate to other people? Perhaps it has never been someone you could do with ease. How can you get more connection in your life?

There are many things you can do to deepen your connection with the people around you.

• Make an effort to remember names and use them when talking to someone

• Be present for the person in front of you - see them and listen to them with genuine interest

• Ask their opinion and value what they say (you don’t have to agree with them). 

• Have a list of creative (or not so creative) questions to ask people if you feel like you run out of things to say. I used to hate small talk, but it’s a way to open the door to learning more about another person. Think of it as checking in with them. For example, ask about someone’s weekend plans or how their weekend went. Be curious.

• Use physical touch. This one is a bit tricky in a work situation, so tread carefully and always take context into consideration. A handshake or hug may be appropriate in some cases, or a brief hand on the shoulder.

• Smile. I tend to default to a serious expression (RBF), so I try to be intentional about smiling when I walk around, and it really does make a difference in my own feelings of connectedness to others. As a bonus, smiling is contagious and triggers endorphins, which make you feel good, in you and others.

• Be generous (but sincere) with praise and helpful

• Create space for vulnerability, perhaps sharing your own struggles and fears. If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know I share a lot of personal examples, and I hope that makes you feel a little more connected to me.

If you want to create new connections, you can follow a lot of the same advice as for networking. For example, put yourself in situations with people who share your interests. At work, this might be an affinity group or ERG (employee resource group). Outside of work, perhaps you join a group or activity related to one of your hobbies or a skill you’re interested in building.

Overcome your resistance to initiating a conversation with someone. I tried this the other day while waiting in line outside the restroom at a restaurant. Instead of standing in awkward silence like I normally do, I asked the person how their dinner was going, and learned that they were celebrating someone’s 80th birthday. Then I met the person whose birthday it was, and had a nice chat with her. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but it was for me and I felt the warm fuzzies in return for my effort.

Where could you create more of a sense of connectedness to other people? Consider committing to be more intentional about strengthening your human connections, and then see what happens!

• Watch Kermit the Frog perform “The Rainbow Connection” from The Muppet Movie.