The Four Agreements

This week’s theme is not from yoga, though I first learned about the Four Agreements in a yoga workshop with Kathryn Budig, a master yoga teacher. This lesson was on my list of Things That Changed My Life, so I wanted to share it alongside the yoga lessons. Plus you’ll see there are some shared themes about how to gain freedom from suffering and live with more joy. The Four Agreements come from the wisdom of the Toltec civilization in ancient Mexico, passed down through generations by the wise beings called naguals for hundreds of years and explained in a short book by don Miguel Ruiz. I’ll share a quick summary and note that the book is easy to read because it’s short and repetitive with many examples. 

The premise is that as we grow up and over the course of our lives, we develop agreements with ourselves about our beliefs, who we are, what we are capable of, and many of these are driven by fear and have the unfortunate effect of making us suffer and fail in life, creating our own personal hell. Adopting the Four Agreements can help to turn this around and find more joy and freedom. The concepts are simple yet profound.

Be Impeccable with your Word

Speak with integrity and avoid using negative language to hurt others.

We all know the power of words - a kind word can lift you up, while misuse of words can cause harm. Being impeccable, or without sin, in using words means not using them against yourself or others - lies, blame, insults, gossip can act like poison in our minds. How often do we thoughtlessly criticize ourselves, or make harsh comments about someone else. Even if we do this unintentionally, it causes damage. On the other hand, when we use words for truth and love, it changes our minds and can make us immune to negative words from other people.

This lesson changed the way that I view gossip, and given that it can spread like a nasty virus, I try to avoid it as much as possible. It also made me more aware of how harmful negative self-talk can be.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Others' opinions and behaviors are a reflection of their own reality, not yours.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally.” If you are able to see that the actions and words of others are not about you, there is nothing for you to be upset or offended about. When someone insults you, this is about their own personal beliefs or opinions. That doesn’t make it real or true. When someone compliments you, it’s also not personal. So instead of subjecting yourself to self-torture, build the habit of refusing to take anything personally, so you can find your happiness and peace from within.

This one has been transformational for me. It’s 100% about perception and mindset. Take that jerk who cut you off in traffic this morning, for example. You can be really upset that they dared to do that to you, then potentially escalate to giving them the finger or honking your horn or stay in a bad mood for a while. Or, you can brush it off and move on with your day. It’s not about you.

The second agreement is also really helpful when it comes to getting feedback from others. Being able to take both positive and negative feedback as information and not an absolute truth about whether you’re a good person will save you from a lot of unnecessary suffering. 

Related: Unhooking from praise and criticism post by Tara Mohr 

Don’t Make Assumptions

Communicate clearly and avoid misunderstandings.

Assumptions are the stories we tell ourselves about what others are doing or thinking, and we often see these as truth, and then take it personally. But the reality is that a lot of times we are misinterpreting and misunderstanding by making assumptions without asking questions and gathering more facts. We make assumptions about ourselves too. The remedy for making assumptions is to communicate clearly, asking questions and asking for what you want. Sound familiar? By doing this we are also being impeccable with our words.

This one was also important for me. It’s a natural human tendency to assume that others think the way we do, or to generalize about someone else based on limited information, but we are all different. How many times have I played through some movie in my mind where I worried that someone was mad at me, or even worse, hypothetically could get mad at me for something I hadn’t even said or done, without even giving them the chance to tell me directly? 

Or how often have I made up an uncharitable story to explain why someone else did something? Going back to the example of the driver who cut in front of me on the freeway. Are they really a jerk or were they distracted by something, like a kid in the backseat, or perhaps they are dealing with a difficult situation or just got some bad news and are not fully present. Opening up your mind to different possibilities and acknowledging that you don’t actually know the truth can change your outlook in life.

Always Do Your Best

Your best will vary from moment to moment, and that's okay. Do the best you can with what you have in each moment.

The first three agreements are about your words and mindset. The fourth agreement is about the actions you take. If you always do your best, there is nothing to judge yourself about. Your best will change from moment to moment. If you do less than your best, you may feel guilt, regret, or frustration. On the other hand, if you try to do more than your best, you may end up burning yourself out. It’s counterproductive to expend so much energy that you sacrifice your own happiness. If you do your best and take action, the reward is in the doing, and there’s no reason for blame or regrets. Action is how you live and express yourself fully, without fear. Doing your best doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect. You will still make mistakes, but it’s okay because you are doing your best. Keep going and this repetition, this practice, will make you a master.

“You can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is the action. Without action upon an idea, there will be no manifestation, no results, and no reward.”

— don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Which of the Four Agreements changed your perspective? Were there any that you didn’t understand or disagreed with? Let me know in the comments!

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