Filling Your Cup, Part 2: Purpose and Connection

Last week, I started a short series on the 7 universal needs that are essential to your well-being, and talked specifically about three of these, health, leisure, and autonomy, which I group together as the fundamental lifestyle and well-being needs. To recap, when you pay attention to and care for your own needs, you are regulating your nervous system, which allows you to stay more calm and centered. This leaves you feeling more energetic and increases your capacity to make effective decisions and perform well. This is especially important when you’re in a difficult situation, you have too much work to do, or you need to make an important decision, all of which can drain your energy and induce anxiety. 

When you know that one of your needs isn’t being met, you can start by implementing small changes. For instance, if you want to take better care of your health by drinking more water, you can start carrying a refillable water bottle with you as a reminder. Or once a week you could leave work earlier than usual to go to your favorite yoga or fitness class, filling your needs for autonomy, health, and leisure all at once.

If you tried something new to more effectively meet your health, leisure, or autonomy needs, reflect on how it went. If it went well and you liked the result, keep doing it until it becomes a habit. If it wasn’t quite right for you, consider what else you could try. 

This week, I’m going to cover two more of the essential needs, purpose and connection. I think of these as the needs that relate to your heart and identity.

Purpose

Purpose is about living a life with meaning. There are many ways to have purpose in your life and doesn’t mean that your job must be your passion - you can have purpose in many other ways. Purpose is one of my high-priority needs and closely connected to my core values. Some of the ways I meet my need for purpose are through mentoring and coaching, contributing to causes that matter to me, parenting, and writing this blog.

However, I’ve learned that I need to watch out for overcommitting myself, because then those things will cease to meet my needs and instead become burdensome. Similarly, I have a list of things that I feel I should do in order to be a good person or to help others, but would not actually bring me a sense of satisfaction or enjoyment or contribute to my well-being. I’m learning to let those things go because they’re not for me. If I really wanted to do them, I would have already. On the other hand, when I recently heard of a volunteer opportunity that could turn into a large responsibility, I felt a little tug in my heart, knew that it was right up my alley, and decided to say yes. While it did become busy and hectic at times, I set firm boundaries to make sure I wouldn’t overload myself while serving a meaningful cause, a delicate balancing act.

What are you doing to have purpose in your life? What might be missing for you right now that you want to add into your life? Likewise, what are you doing that doesn’t effectively serve your needs? Consider whether you can let anything go so you have more capacity for the things that really matter to you.

Connection

Connection is about relationships, affection, and community. Connection in relationships can come in a variety of forms - romantic partners, family, friends, colleagues, even pets. Likewise, you can find community at work, school, through hobbies and other interests, religious groups, online, etc. I shared several ideas for building and deepening your connection with others in this earlier post. 

With all the essential needs, quality is more important than quantity, and it took me some time to understand that this is true for connection. I used to look at the amount of time I spent with my kids each day as a measure of our connection, when really, the nature of how we spend time together (for example, being present vs. distracted) is more important. I have a lot of people that I want to stay in touch with but don’t see very often because we’re busy or don’t live close to each other. I’m not good at just calling friends or family out of the blue, so I’ve adopted a version of social snacking and regularly send text messages to people that I’m thinking about to check in on how they’re doing and share what’s new with me. I mentioned going on daily walks with my husband - that also fosters connection, in addition to my health and leisure needs.

How are you getting connection? What is a new habit that you can establish to build connections in your existing relationships? Or is there a type of relationship that you are missing right now that you could take steps to build?

As you become more aware of your own needs for purpose, connection, health, leisure, and autonomy, you will find that some of them are higher-priority for you than others. With finite time, you may have to make tradeoffs in order to meet your highest-priority needs - just make sure you don’t sacrifice a higher-priority need for a lower-priority one. And remember that you are playing a long game when it comes to well-being, so consider both the short-term gain and your longer-term needs. Next week, I’ll wrap up this series with the last, but not least, of the universal needs, security and esteem.

Filling Your Cup, Part 1

Well, hello! It’s been a few months since my last article. I’ve been taking care of myself, which has required making lots of small changes in my life. And how are YOU doing? I know many of us are especially busy this time of year with preparing for the holidays and various celebrations, end-of-year activities and events, major assignments and final exams, work projects, and more. Some may be battling illnesses or taking care of sick loved ones. Whether your role is caregiver, student, volunteer, employee, manager, something else, or all of the above, you may be feeling stressed, overwhelmed and at risk of burning out. That’s why I wanted to remind you to take care of your own needs so that you have the energy and resources to do what you need to do and make effective decisions in life and work.

Believe me, I know it isn’t easy to find time for yourself, especially when there are so many demands taking up your time already, but it doesn’t have to take a lot of time! Some of you feel guilty or worry about being selfish when you tend to your own needs–keep in mind that it also helps you to perform better, and that affects everyone you come in contact with.

I recently learned a framework for 7 essential and universal physiological needs that we all share as human beings: autonomy, health, leisure, purpose, connection, security, and esteem. These needs may sound familiar - they are similar in concept to the components in the Life Balance Wheel and the framework draws from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Martin Seligman’s Positive Psychology, and other sources.

Today, I’m going to focus on three of these needs, health, leisure, and autonomy, which I think of as fundamental aspects of your individual lifestyle and well-being.

Health

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

-World Health Organization Constitution

Health encompasses a lot of things, including nutrition and diet, hydration, sleep, physical activity and exercise, fresh air and sunshine, and taking care of your mental health. This is a high-priority need for me and part of my core values. I have a regular workout routine that includes strength training and yoga first thing in the morning and 1-2 daily walks with my husband. Aside from the obvious physical health benefits, it also helps my mental health by getting me out of my head, and I sometimes also do breathing exercises and meditation. I’ve also reduced my alcohol consumption, which crept up during the pandemic. I eat fairly healthy and watch my portions, but try not to be too rigid. I usually get at least 6 hours of sleep per night. If I stop any of these practices for more than a few days (not including vacation), it definitely affects how I feel, so I try to keep them up even when things get busy. That might mean 5 minutes of yoga on my own and a short workout 3 times a week instead of 5.

How about you? What are you already doing for your health? Where do you want to make changes? Take a moment to reflect, and then write down a few ideas. Be realistic! If you don’t currently work out, don’t try to start by suddenly adding an hour of exercise every day. Even 10-15 minutes a few days a week is a good start. 

Leisure

Increase of leisure, diminution of hustle are the ends to be sought

—Bertrand Russell

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on hard work and productivity, but we also need to do things just for rest, relaxation, fun, or hobbies. Not only does it contribute to your recovery so you have more energy, but leisure can bring you joy and make your life (and you) more interesting. It’s so important to spend some of your precious time on activities where the objective is not to achieve mastery, but simply to enjoy yourself, like reading a good fiction book. I love reading, so I try to keep a few books from the library on hand at home or on my Kindle so I have a steady supply.  I also make time for cooking, baking, and other creative endeavors. For me, there is definitely some overlap between leisure and health. Going on a walk is good for my health, and is also recreational. Maybe I’ll sneak a little dancing into my day while I brush my teeth. 

How are you doing with leisure? At work, are you taking breaks during the day or attending meetings nonstop? Do you have any down time during the day?  It can be tough to find free time when you are busy, so you may need to get creative. For example, take a few minutes during your lunch break to go for a walk or listen to music instead of reading email. Is there a hobby you are interested in starting or resuming after a long hiatus?

Autonomy

Autonomy means being able to do what you want, when you want to. I realized that autonomy is also a top priority need or core value for me. Overall, I have been able to live my life as I've wanted to without worrying about what other people might think or do. But I often wish for more freedom with my time, especially during the week, to spend on the things that are most important to me. In order to do this, my approach is to try to keep my daily routines simple and easy. On weekends, I usually go to a yoga class at a local studio. I may choose to say no to traditions that don’t hold personal meaning for me or just feel overly burdensome. This year for Thanksgiving, I didn’t want to spend all day cooking, nor did I want to stuff myself with rich foods, so we had just a couple of our favorite dishes and salmon instead of turkey. 

What are you already doing to ensure you have autonomy in your life? Where could you add more autonomy?

Now, as you look at the list of ideas you have come up with for health, leisure, and autonomy, what is something small you can try out now? Don’t try to completely change your lifestyle overnight. Simply being aware of your needs and how well you are meeting them as you introduce incremental changes is enough to create a shift. As you may have noticed, these needs are not mutually exclusive, so you can choose to do things that meet more than one of these needs. At times you may have to make short-term compromises or tradeoffs, and that’s okay. The goal is not perfection or to make a sudden 180 degree turn, but rather to try different things out, see what happens, and then make adjustments. Let me know how it goes, and I’ll be back next week to talk about purpose and connection.