Unlock the Cage: Perfectionism

Last fall, I was compelled to take a three-month leave from work due to severe burnout. I've struggled with burnout before, but this time, it felt different, like a mental breakdown. Panic attacks and a sense of mental paralysis made normal work impossible. While I'll delve further into the topic of burnout in the future, one of the biggest lessons I learned during my recovery was how burnout often stems from perfectionism or people-pleasing. I don’t like to call myself a perfectionist – I’m a satisficer who embraces a growth mindset, someone who follows the 80/20 rule! But if I’m being honest, I do have perfectionist tendencies. Admitting that was surprisingly painful because it was yet another flaw to fix. However, through my recovery, I discovered ways to break free from my cage of perfectionism, a place that was filled with low self-worth, anxiety, and depression.

Where does perfectionism come from?

Perfectionism often hides within high achievers, those driven by ambition and a relentless desire to excel. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, and in fact, if you can relate to this, it's likely a major reason for your past successes. However, when life throws us off-balance or we get emotionally triggered, this drive can warp into unhealthy perfectionism. Many of us carry this tendency, ingrained through our upbringing or cultural influences. As children, we learned to link our worth to achievement; praise came from being "good" and doing well.  It's natural to then see the world in extremes: you're either good or bad. The problem is, no one can be excellent and perfect at everything, all the time.

In my case, I felt like I had to be perfect or the best, or else I was a failure. This mentality seeped into the smallest, most surprising corners of my life. My personal grooming — did I give myself a fresh manicure every week? My wellness routines — did I take every supplement and hit my protein goals? Did I reach 10,000 steps? There are many more that are too embarrassing to mention — seemingly harmless and positive habits that I unknowingly transformed into rigid rules. I felt guilty not signing up to volunteer for my kids’ school or donate to a random charity. This became perfectionism that put pressure on me to keep everything going, in addition to the spinning plates I was managing at work. Failing any of them meant I was falling short - suddenly I had the crushing feeling that I was failing on multiple fronts, that I was a failure. That’s how I lost confidence in my own abilities.

What’s wrong with perfectionism?

Striving for perfection becomes destructive when the pressure it creates is unsustainable. You simply cannot achieve 100% perfection all the time, and this misguided pursuit can lead to harmful behaviors. At work, this might look like endless revisions to a document before sharing it — or worse, never sharing it out of fear that it’s not good enough. Even when work is completed, you’re never satisfied due to impossibly high standards. You might say yes to everything, believing 'more is better,' or refuse to ask for help, thinking you must do it all alone. Fear of failure stifles risk-taking and creativity, while endless second-guessing makes decisions agonizing. Perfectionism breeds conflict avoidance, feelings of guilt, and the internalization of failure. It's an exhausting trap of your own unwitting creation, and your mental health suffers.

Even worse, perfectionism can affect how we treat others. It can make you harshly critical and judgmental of others.  As leaders, this manifests in micromanagement, endlessly revising the work of others, or refusing to delegate because no one could possibly meet your standards. Perfectionist parents might obsess over creating a picture-perfect life for their children, or hold them to impossible expectations, unknowingly raising the next generation of perfectionists.

How do you overcome perfectionism?

If this resonates with you, don't despair! Shifting from perfectionism to excellence is the way out. Like perfectionism, excellence values high-quality outcomes, but it's a kinder approach. It focuses on the process, embracing growth and adaptability along the way. Excellence allows for flexibility and doesn't demand a single, "perfect" path. While you can't transform overnight, you can start by intentionally choosing to take small actions that feel unnatural or uncomfortable. 

For example:

• Leave your bed unmade (this has never been a problem for me!) 

• Don't wash all of the dishes that are piled up in the sink

• Leave your nails unmanicured

• Turn in an assignment or share a document for feedback without revising it three times

• Send an email without proofreading it

• Say no to someone who asks for your help or support

• Come late to a meeting

• Participate in a sport or activity that you’re not good at

• Delegate a task to someone else and just let them run with it

Does reading this list make you feel nervous? I get it, believe me. You might worry that letting go of perfectionism means lowering your standards and sacrificing your ability to perform at your best. But the truth is, you don't need to be perfect to be successful. When you’re struggling to release that tight grip, pause and ask yourself: 

• What truly matters in this situation?

• Why does this specific detail matter so much?

• What am I sacrificing in my pursuit of perfection?

• In the grand scheme of things, does this level of perfection really matter?

Start small with low-stakes challenges. As you confront your perfectionism, you'll discover that mistakes and failures are surprisingly rare — and even if they happen, you can bounce back. You'll gain valuable time for the things that truly matter. More importantly, you'll break free from the self-imposed weight of pressure, discontent, and inadequacy.

Get Strong!

Hi friends, it’s been more than a week since my last post, but I no longer have a goal to write weekly and am letting inspiration be my guide. You’ll hear from me at least once a month, so here we are for February! 

Building on the theme of fitness, today’s focus is how weight training isn't just about building physical strength and sculpting our bodies – it also serves as a powerful metaphor for molding ourselves into more resilient individuals and the grit that is required when you’re building new skills. The strain of the weights, the burn in our muscles, and the consistency required for results mirror how life's challenges shape us into stronger versions of ourselves. Even if you're not interested in lifting weights, there are several parallels between weight training and building resilience. Let's explore how we can develop both simultaneously.

A few years ago, I shifted from mostly cardio workouts to focusing on strength training with heavier weights. I used to think cardio was the best way to burn calories and lose weight. Plus, I enjoy the energy of moving to music and working up a sweat. Lifting weights, on the other hand, was tough and made me sore. But as I committed to strength training and gradually increased my weights, I discovered a passion for it!

I'm not a personal trainer or bodybuilder, so I won’t get into the technical aspects of how to execute specific exercises, but here are some tips I've learned along the way to help you make the most of your strength training.

Start Out Slowly, and Focus On Quality Over Quantity

When you're first starting out, prioritize form over the amount of weight you lift.  Leave your ego at the door and start with lighter weights to master proper technique, then gradually and safely increase them. This will not only reduce your risk of injury but also make sure you're working the right muscles. Using weights that are too heavy can lead to relying on momentum (you know, like those grunting gym bros!) and increase strain on your muscles and joints.

Focusing on form can be tough – we all want instant results! But taking the time to do things right sets you up for long-term success and helps you avoid injuries that can derail your progress.

How can you check your form? Observe yourself or have someone else do it:

• Mirror, mirror: Watch yourself while exercising in front of a mirror.

• Video time: Use your phone's camera to record yourself.

• Get feedback: Ask a friend or personal trainer to observe you.

Then, Challenge Yourself

Once you've mastered the basics, it's time to keep challenging yourself. To boost muscle growth and strength, you need to push yourself to the point of failure – meaning you can't complete another rep with good form. This process, called muscle hypertrophy, involves creating tiny tears in your muscle fibers that repair and grow larger.

A great way to avoid plateaus is progressive overload. This means gradually increasing the intensity of your workouts. You can lift heavier weights, add more reps or sets, shorten your rest periods, or increase the speed of your movements.

Pushing your limits can be intimidating, but you might surprise yourself with how strong you actually are!  The confidence boost alone makes facing those challenges worthwhile.

Mix It Up

While classic weight training focused on isolating muscles is definitely effective, sometimes you need variety to spice things up! I like adding variety with timed formats like HIIT, Tabata, and AMRAP.  Mix up your muscle targeting with circuits, supersets, and compound moves. For an extra burst of power, incorporate kettlebell swings, plyometric jumps, and push presses. Switch between full-body workouts and splits like upper/lower body or push/pull days.  This variety not only keeps boredom at bay but also hits your muscles from different angles for a greater challenge.

Rest, Recover, and Fuel Yourself

Rest, recovery, and nutrition are absolutely crucial – I can't stress this enough! All your effort in the gym won't mean much if you don't give your body what it needs to rebuild. Here's how to optimize your recovery:

• Stretch it out: Stretching after workouts promotes blood flow, reduces soreness, and helps prevent injury.

• Give your muscles a break: Don't target the same muscle groups on consecutive days. Take 1-2 full rest days per week for optimal recovery.

• Fuel up: Make sure you're getting enough protein to support muscle repair. If your goal is muscle growth, aim for a calorie surplus.

• Sleep tight: Adequate sleep is essential for muscle recovery and overall well-being.

• Consider deloading: Plan periods of reduced workout intensity (e.g., one week every 4-8 weeks where you do bodyweight exercises, yoga, or pilates). This helps prevent overtraining and plateaus. Don't worry, you won't lose your gains – those breaks are key for long-term progress!

Be Consistent and Patient

In weight training, the name of the game is consistency. To see real gains in strength and muscle growth, you need a steady, challenging, and long-term commitment. While we all wish for quick results, it takes time and dedication to build a strong physique.

Remember, strength isn't just about your body; it's a mindset. Just as you challenge yourself at the gym, embrace those same principles in everyday life.  Set ambitious goals, push through limitations, and above all, be consistent. The payoff - in your transformation and your life - will be worth the effort.

Building New (Exercise) Habits

Happy New Year! As the new year begins and self-improvement goals take shape, many people include exercise in their list of resolutions. With over 20 years of personal experience in maintaining a fitness routine, I’ve learned valuable strategies for staying committed through life’s changes. In my role as a career and life coach, one of my core objectives is to help people discover what motivates them to make positive changes. Interestingly, I’ve found that many of the tactics to start and maintain a physical fitness habit can help in enhancing mental fitness and achieving personal or career growth. Let’s explore these tactics together.

Clarity of Purpose and Finding Your Why

What drives you to exercise? Think beyond weight loss. Consider goals like improving cardiovascular fitness, training for a specific event like a 5K or marathon, or simply feeling good and energized. You might be doing it for aesthetic reasons, to have a more muscular or a lean physique. Be specific and connect the goal to your deeper values. Along the way, if you’re like me, you’ll adjust your fitness goals as you achieve some of them, decide certain goals aren’t really what you want, or your circumstances change. 

As an aside, if your goal is to lose weight, keep in mind that it’s easier to change your diet than it is to burn enough calories through exercise to attain a calorie deficit. Remember too that the number on the scale is just a measure of gravitational force. You can reduce inches and clothing size by decreasing your body fat, and your weight can remain the same or even increase if you are adding muscle mass. I prefer not to focus on weight and instead set goals related to physical fitness or performance.

That’s why I recommend setting a goal related to strength training. While cardio was my first love (who remembers step aerobics?), in the last several years I’ve embraced strength training and highly recommend it to anyone, especially as you advance in age and start to lose strength and muscle mass. I didn’t like weight lifting at first because it was difficult and made me sore. But it’s so motivating to get stronger and see muscle definition start to develop, and there are numerous benefits in daily life to getting stronger. My posture has improved and I rarely suffer from low back pain anymore. A couple years ago, my husband injured his back before a cross-country trip, and I could easily manage the luggage for our family of four. Getting stronger has boosted my confidence. As a bonus, resistance training helps to maintain or increase your bone density.

Embarking on a new exercise routine or returning after a hiatus can be daunting. Taking that first step and then sustaining it consistently are often the most difficult hurdles. While it’s not always possible to feel motivated, when the voices in your head start giving you reasons not to exercise, you can choose to be dedicated and keep showing up. Set up routines to make it easy to exercise consistently.

Make it a Habit

• Make time for it - Schedule exercise into your day as a non-negotiable appointment on your calendar. Choose a time of day when you have enough energy and are less likely to get interrupted. You might need to experiment with different times to find what works best for you. I get up early in the morning, before anyone else is awake, to minimize interruptions. It also helps to set the tone for the rest of my day.

• Prepare and plan - If you have your clothing and any gear or equipment, water bottle, sweat towel, etc. ready to go ahead of time, you reduce decision fatigue and eliminate excuses. I set out my workout clothes the night before and follow a workout program so I don’t spend precious time trying to make decisions in the morning while my brain is still foggy.

• Reward yourself - The reward can be intrinsic–exercise causes your body to release endorphins that enhance your mood, relieve pain, and boost your self-esteem. This feeling can become a motivator, and after a while, you might even find that working out no longer feels like a chore. But it also helps to celebrate your consistency with rewards, ideally in a way that reinforces your new healthy habits, like getting a massage or buying yourself workout gear.

• Find your fit - Exercise shouldn’t feel like punishment. Explore various activities until you find something you genuinely like. If you really hate what you’re doing after giving it a few tries, move on to another activity. Whether it's dancing, swimming, hiking, or playing a sport, you are more likely to keep up the activities that you enjoy. Variety also helps to keep things fresh and prevent boredom.

Mindset and Accountability

• Create accountability - When you make yourself accountable to someone else, you’re more likely to take your commitments seriously. Find a workout buddy, join a fitness class, or hire a trainer. The presence of someone checking in on your progress encourages you to follow through and build consistency in your new habit. 

• Find community - Community offers a sense of belonging and shared purpose. Being part of a group of people with similar goals creates camaraderie and a support network, making you feel less alone in your journey. It’s helpful to have a group to turn to when you need inspiration or practical advice.

• Pace yourself - You don’t need to start out by working out for an hour every day, especially if you’re starting from a place of little or no activity. Avoid doing too much too soon, or you’re likely to get discouraged or injured and quit. Even 5 or 10 minutes a day a few times a week is better than nothing. Start where you are and build on your routine over time–remember that you’re playing the long game.

• Do YOUR best - Don’t compare yourself to others. This is about doing your personal best. Some trainers refer to it as you vs. you. Each time you show up to exercise, strive to make small improvements. 

The strategies you develop to maintain a fitness routine can transfer to other areas of your life. The dedication, goal-setting, and perseverance you cultivate through exercise can empower you to achieve your personal and professional aspirations. Stay tuned for a deeper discussion next week on building strength!

Filling Your Cup, Part 3: Security and Esteem

Just two more days until the end of the year! I’m wrapping up my three-part series on the seven essential needs we all have with an exploration of security and esteem (see my previous articles about health, leisure, and autonomy and purpose and connection). I saved these two for last because, in many cultures, success is defined by achievement and financial success, and we tend to spend a lot of effort on meeting our esteem and security needs already, often at the expense of the other five. You might not need a reminder to think more about these needs, but maybe you can make small changes to meet them more effectively, without neglecting your other needs. In recent months, I’ve learned that security, while not my top priority, is essential to my well-being. I’ve also learned what it means to meet my need for esteem through a sense of self-worth, truly a game changer.

Woman hugging herself

Security

Security means being safe from physical harm (having shelter, protection from danger), emotional harm (fear, anxiety), and “the state of being able to reliably afford or access what is needed to meet one's basic needs” (Merriam-Webster). For some, security means earning as much income as possible, while for others it means feeling okay spending money on things that are important to them. We tend to pay more attention to our need for security when there is constant change.

As a risk tolerant person, I usually don’t worry about security that much, but I still need it like everyone else. Even if making lots of money is not one of my top aspirations, as a parent and breadwinning woman, I do feel responsible to provide financial security for shelter, clothing, and stability for my family. When I feel that my family’s security is at risk, fear and anxiety rear their ugly heads.m I meet my security needs by saving for retirement, periodically looking at where we’re spending money that we don’t need to, and having a backup plan for unexpected changes in income.

What could you do to more effectively meet your own need for security? What is working well already and what could you drop?

Esteem

Esteem is a topic that could easily fill an entire article and hours of therapy. It’s about recognizing your inner worth based on your unique qualities and a belief that you are capable of handling whatever circumstances come your way and you deserve good things. We’re all born with esteem, but as we grow up we gradually lose self-esteem and develop a fear that we are not worthy or capable. Then we look for external validation or constantly try to prove our worthiness and capability through what we do or through outward symbols like expensive possessions or extravagant lifestyle choices. Unfortunately, that can lead to making choices that prevent you from getting your other needs met, like putting work before everything else in your life, not asking for help, trying to avoid failure at all costs, and saying yes to something that isn’t good for you because you don’t want to disappoint others. 

Does any of that sound familiar? For as long as I can remember, my identity has been connected to my achievements and what I do. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments, but I felt like I needed to keep producing at a high level of productivity to prove my capability and value. This came at the cost of getting my autonomy and purpose needs met, ultimately leaving me burned out and depleted.

A more constructive way to meet your need for esteem is through internal validation, letting your esteem come from within. When you do this, you can move through the world with the ease that comes from inner confidence and security, and your mind can access more effective options when you have to make tough decisions and face challenging situations. You will also have more confidence and peace in your decisions.

So how do you do this? The idea of valuing myself for who I am and not what I do was hard for me to fathom. It’s not like I could just decide to do it and flip a switch. It took persistence and time to recognize the unique qualities and strengths that I bring with me and use in daily life. Over time, I came to understand that these qualities were more important than the amount of time or effort that I put in, and that simply being who I am is enough to bring value. I find it’s very easy to see character strengths in others, but for whatever reason when we turn the lens on ourselves, it takes much more intention and effort. When you believe in your own ability, you know you are capable of handling whatever turn of events you may face. And when you believe that you are worthy, you know that you can enjoy your life and well-being without having to suffer to earn it.

You are truly unique for who you are and not just what you do. If this is something you find hard to believe or understand, start by regularly celebrating your successes, especially the small wins. Progress comes incrementally, even if you wish it happened instantly and all at once, so it’s important to recognize your progress in order to keep the momentum going and fuel your future success. The end of the year is an opportune time to reflect back on what has gone well for you and acknowledge just how capable and deserving you are, so whether you like to journal or talk it through with a friend or coach, I hope you will take a few minutes to do this as a gift to yourself.

Money Tips from Willa: Happy New Year, New You

Hello and happy holidays! Today I’m excited to feature a post full of practical and useful money management tips from my friend and colleague Willa Chalmers!

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Tis the time for new years resolutions. My resolution last year was to exercise every day. But I kept the goal small, I only committed to breaking a sweat every day which could be accomplished by a brisk walk or a full hour-long workout. As most of us know, developing a habit takes time but after the first few months, it got easier and easier. So much so that I do it now without thinking about it - like brushing my teeth.

This year, I am rebooting my commitment to share money management tips with friends and family. My friends who know me, know that I am SUPER passionate about helping people obtain financial independence.  Over the years I’ve gotten a lot of questions from friends and family and have enjoyed helping others reach their financial goals. For the record, I am not a professional tax accountant, financial advisor, or legal counsel.  Please consume the information here with caution. I just love the subject and doing the research.  So ask me questions and I’ll find you the answer so you don’t have to.

Let’s get started.

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“Avoid crazy at all costs”

Famous quote from Charlie Munger, a longtime business partner and friend of my idol, Warren Buffet. 

Here are some crazy things to avoid:

• Leave money on the table. If your employer offers a 401K, max out the yearly contribution ($23,000 in 2024 or $30,500 for 50 and over). This does double good, helps you bring down your taxable income and your employer will do some level of matching, aka free money! 

• Throw money away. Pay off all high-interest debt as soon as possible (anything above 10% I would consider to be high interest) where you are paying more in interest than actually bringing down 

• Forget about tax-advantaged accounts. If you can, put money away in IRA contributions and after-tax contributions which can be an additional $41,500 (more if you’re 50+) to put towards your future. Tax-Advantaged just means that you are either putting in money tax-free or taking out money tax-free using the Roth IRA (depending on your income) or Traditional IRA.

• Avoid money conversations: Do you know how much you spend monthly? On eating out? How many repeated charges do you have? Figure out how much you spend vs make. This can be a daunting exercise for many people because it requires you to be very honest with yourself and the answer may scare you. But the sooner you do this, the sooner you can start making changes.  There are lots of apps that help you do this now and they all work the same, just pick a free one!

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Kids & Finances

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about financial education for kids. So each newsletter I’ll be featuring a spotlight section for parents. This month, I’m gonna discuss 529s!

Why you should consider contributing to a 529 savings plan

• Solid returns: Let's say you put away $100 a month for 18 years, assuming a (conservative) 5% nominal annualized growth, you’ll have roughly $35,400 at the end of 18 years. That's a $14,000 return on your investment. But that's not all – you’re also avoiding upwards of 18% through federal and state tax savings on that growth for any eligible expenditure through a 529. 

• Tax deductions: This benefit varies by state (so check yours) but many states offer a state tax deduction on your annual contribution. Unfortunately, CA does not. 

• Note: If your state does not offer any tax benefits, there is no advantage for opening a home state-sponsored 529 vs some other state's 529 plan. Often opening one with your existing broker makes it easier to track and manage but there is no significant reason to prefer one broker over another.  Other things to consider are the investment options and low expense ratios, good luck!

• Use it and don’t lose it: If you oversave and have funds left over, you can gift the money to grandkids, nephews, myself, etc. It is a great estate planning tool if you find yourself lucky enough with extra money in your 529.

• Use it, don’t lose it and a built-in IRA oh my!: A great feature of the 529 is the IRA conversion. You can roll unused 529 assets—up to a lifetime limit of $35,000—into the account beneficiary's Roth IRA, without incurring the usual 10% penalty for nonqualified withdrawals or generating any taxable income. What a nice way to set up your child with a headstart towards financial independence. 

Avoid crazy

• Even a little now is better than starting late: It's never too late to start investing, but you are missing out on the beauty of compounding. If you start in year 9, you’ll earn about $3,000 at the same 5% growth rate as opposed to the $14,000 over 18 years. 

• Leave room for flexibility: Be on the lookout for the maximum contribution limit for your state - especially if you think there's any possibility that you either move out of your state (from a non-tax deductible state into one with deductions), or your state changes their laws to allow for tax deductions on contributions. 

This sounds too easy, what am I missing?

• Laws change: Eighteen years is a long time and laws around 529s could change over such a long horizon (e.g., steeper withdrawal penalties, etc.). And we’ve already seen changes, but lucky for us, they’re all for the better – K-12 expenses, including private schools and Roth, etc. 

• It is complicated: There are a lot of rules. You have to look carefully at the state’s plans, particularly about what is deemed as qualified or non-qualified, what tax needs to be paid for withdrawals on federal or state, etc. (It is even more complicated if you move states within the 18 years, see above). 

• You can’t price optionality: Not everything comes down to dollars and cents. There is value in security, stability and a cost to stress and lack of flexibility. These are very individual and personal decisions. I myself have chosen not to fully fund my 529 for my two boys. I opened the account primarily so that we, and other family members can choose to gift small amounts towards their education. Instead, we primarily invest in other areas for their future, even if it means we’re paying taxes for that optionality and that's worth it to us.

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Questions and Answers

Please send your financial questions or topics to willa.chalmers@gmail.com for next month’s email!

About Willa

A dedicated Product Management and Strategy professional at Google since 2009, Willa thrives on tackling challenges and finding joy in raising her two young sons with her husband in Palo Alto. Her diverse background encompasses experience as a Chief of Staff and roles on the dynamic sales and trading floor of Goldman Sachs. This rich foundation, coupled with her Accounting degree and MBA from Columbia University, fuels her success and contributes to her passion for personal wealth finance. Outside of work, you can find Willa expressing her creativity at a pottery studio and giving back to the community as a board member of the Palo Alto Art Center.

Filling Your Cup, Part 2: Purpose and Connection

Last week, I started a short series on the 7 universal needs that are essential to your well-being, and talked specifically about three of these, health, leisure, and autonomy, which I group together as the fundamental lifestyle and well-being needs. To recap, when you pay attention to and care for your own needs, you are regulating your nervous system, which allows you to stay more calm and centered. This leaves you feeling more energetic and increases your capacity to make effective decisions and perform well. This is especially important when you’re in a difficult situation, you have too much work to do, or you need to make an important decision, all of which can drain your energy and induce anxiety. 

When you know that one of your needs isn’t being met, you can start by implementing small changes. For instance, if you want to take better care of your health by drinking more water, you can start carrying a refillable water bottle with you as a reminder. Or once a week you could leave work earlier than usual to go to your favorite yoga or fitness class, filling your needs for autonomy, health, and leisure all at once.

If you tried something new to more effectively meet your health, leisure, or autonomy needs, reflect on how it went. If it went well and you liked the result, keep doing it until it becomes a habit. If it wasn’t quite right for you, consider what else you could try. 

This week, I’m going to cover two more of the essential needs, purpose and connection. I think of these as the needs that relate to your heart and identity.

Purpose

Purpose is about living a life with meaning. There are many ways to have purpose in your life and doesn’t mean that your job must be your passion - you can have purpose in many other ways. Purpose is one of my high-priority needs and closely connected to my core values. Some of the ways I meet my need for purpose are through mentoring and coaching, contributing to causes that matter to me, parenting, and writing this blog.

However, I’ve learned that I need to watch out for overcommitting myself, because then those things will cease to meet my needs and instead become burdensome. Similarly, I have a list of things that I feel I should do in order to be a good person or to help others, but would not actually bring me a sense of satisfaction or enjoyment or contribute to my well-being. I’m learning to let those things go because they’re not for me. If I really wanted to do them, I would have already. On the other hand, when I recently heard of a volunteer opportunity that could turn into a large responsibility, I felt a little tug in my heart, knew that it was right up my alley, and decided to say yes. While it did become busy and hectic at times, I set firm boundaries to make sure I wouldn’t overload myself while serving a meaningful cause, a delicate balancing act.

What are you doing to have purpose in your life? What might be missing for you right now that you want to add into your life? Likewise, what are you doing that doesn’t effectively serve your needs? Consider whether you can let anything go so you have more capacity for the things that really matter to you.

Connection

Connection is about relationships, affection, and community. Connection in relationships can come in a variety of forms - romantic partners, family, friends, colleagues, even pets. Likewise, you can find community at work, school, through hobbies and other interests, religious groups, online, etc. I shared several ideas for building and deepening your connection with others in this earlier post. 

With all the essential needs, quality is more important than quantity, and it took me some time to understand that this is true for connection. I used to look at the amount of time I spent with my kids each day as a measure of our connection, when really, the nature of how we spend time together (for example, being present vs. distracted) is more important. I have a lot of people that I want to stay in touch with but don’t see very often because we’re busy or don’t live close to each other. I’m not good at just calling friends or family out of the blue, so I’ve adopted a version of social snacking and regularly send text messages to people that I’m thinking about to check in on how they’re doing and share what’s new with me. I mentioned going on daily walks with my husband - that also fosters connection, in addition to my health and leisure needs.

How are you getting connection? What is a new habit that you can establish to build connections in your existing relationships? Or is there a type of relationship that you are missing right now that you could take steps to build?

As you become more aware of your own needs for purpose, connection, health, leisure, and autonomy, you will find that some of them are higher-priority for you than others. With finite time, you may have to make tradeoffs in order to meet your highest-priority needs - just make sure you don’t sacrifice a higher-priority need for a lower-priority one. And remember that you are playing a long game when it comes to well-being, so consider both the short-term gain and your longer-term needs. Next week, I’ll wrap up this series with the last, but not least, of the universal needs, security and esteem.

Filling Your Cup, Part 1

Well, hello! It’s been a few months since my last article. I’ve been taking care of myself, which has required making lots of small changes in my life. And how are YOU doing? I know many of us are especially busy this time of year with preparing for the holidays and various celebrations, end-of-year activities and events, major assignments and final exams, work projects, and more. Some may be battling illnesses or taking care of sick loved ones. Whether your role is caregiver, student, volunteer, employee, manager, something else, or all of the above, you may be feeling stressed, overwhelmed and at risk of burning out. That’s why I wanted to remind you to take care of your own needs so that you have the energy and resources to do what you need to do and make effective decisions in life and work.

Believe me, I know it isn’t easy to find time for yourself, especially when there are so many demands taking up your time already, but it doesn’t have to take a lot of time! Some of you feel guilty or worry about being selfish when you tend to your own needs–keep in mind that it also helps you to perform better, and that affects everyone you come in contact with.

I recently learned a framework for 7 essential and universal physiological needs that we all share as human beings: autonomy, health, leisure, purpose, connection, security, and esteem. These needs may sound familiar - they are similar in concept to the components in the Life Balance Wheel and the framework draws from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Martin Seligman’s Positive Psychology, and other sources.

Today, I’m going to focus on three of these needs, health, leisure, and autonomy, which I think of as fundamental aspects of your individual lifestyle and well-being.

Health

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

-World Health Organization Constitution

Health encompasses a lot of things, including nutrition and diet, hydration, sleep, physical activity and exercise, fresh air and sunshine, and taking care of your mental health. This is a high-priority need for me and part of my core values. I have a regular workout routine that includes strength training and yoga first thing in the morning and 1-2 daily walks with my husband. Aside from the obvious physical health benefits, it also helps my mental health by getting me out of my head, and I sometimes also do breathing exercises and meditation. I’ve also reduced my alcohol consumption, which crept up during the pandemic. I eat fairly healthy and watch my portions, but try not to be too rigid. I usually get at least 6 hours of sleep per night. If I stop any of these practices for more than a few days (not including vacation), it definitely affects how I feel, so I try to keep them up even when things get busy. That might mean 5 minutes of yoga on my own and a short workout 3 times a week instead of 5.

How about you? What are you already doing for your health? Where do you want to make changes? Take a moment to reflect, and then write down a few ideas. Be realistic! If you don’t currently work out, don’t try to start by suddenly adding an hour of exercise every day. Even 10-15 minutes a few days a week is a good start. 

Leisure

Increase of leisure, diminution of hustle are the ends to be sought

—Bertrand Russell

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on hard work and productivity, but we also need to do things just for rest, relaxation, fun, or hobbies. Not only does it contribute to your recovery so you have more energy, but leisure can bring you joy and make your life (and you) more interesting. It’s so important to spend some of your precious time on activities where the objective is not to achieve mastery, but simply to enjoy yourself, like reading a good fiction book. I love reading, so I try to keep a few books from the library on hand at home or on my Kindle so I have a steady supply.  I also make time for cooking, baking, and other creative endeavors. For me, there is definitely some overlap between leisure and health. Going on a walk is good for my health, and is also recreational. Maybe I’ll sneak a little dancing into my day while I brush my teeth. 

How are you doing with leisure? At work, are you taking breaks during the day or attending meetings nonstop? Do you have any down time during the day?  It can be tough to find free time when you are busy, so you may need to get creative. For example, take a few minutes during your lunch break to go for a walk or listen to music instead of reading email. Is there a hobby you are interested in starting or resuming after a long hiatus?

Autonomy

Autonomy means being able to do what you want, when you want to. I realized that autonomy is also a top priority need or core value for me. Overall, I have been able to live my life as I've wanted to without worrying about what other people might think or do. But I often wish for more freedom with my time, especially during the week, to spend on the things that are most important to me. In order to do this, my approach is to try to keep my daily routines simple and easy. On weekends, I usually go to a yoga class at a local studio. I may choose to say no to traditions that don’t hold personal meaning for me or just feel overly burdensome. This year for Thanksgiving, I didn’t want to spend all day cooking, nor did I want to stuff myself with rich foods, so we had just a couple of our favorite dishes and salmon instead of turkey. 

What are you already doing to ensure you have autonomy in your life? Where could you add more autonomy?

Now, as you look at the list of ideas you have come up with for health, leisure, and autonomy, what is something small you can try out now? Don’t try to completely change your lifestyle overnight. Simply being aware of your needs and how well you are meeting them as you introduce incremental changes is enough to create a shift. As you may have noticed, these needs are not mutually exclusive, so you can choose to do things that meet more than one of these needs. At times you may have to make short-term compromises or tradeoffs, and that’s okay. The goal is not perfection or to make a sudden 180 degree turn, but rather to try different things out, see what happens, and then make adjustments. Let me know how it goes, and I’ll be back next week to talk about purpose and connection.

Dealing with Uncertainty

It’s been a few weeks since I last posted, after a 39-week streak of publishing weekly articles. I had set a goal of posting every week for this entire year. Alas, life got in the way, but on the bright side, it allowed me to take a break from the self-imposed pressure that I inadvertently created with this lofty and arbitrary goal. It gave me a chance to step back and reevaluate what really matters. This was quite fitting for this week’s topic, how to deal with uncertainty and the unexpected. In my recent posts, I’ve been discussing insights from my second pass at reading Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mere Mortals by Oliver Burkeman, a book that blew my mind the first time around.

Uncertainty is often the cause of worry. We’re not sure if things are going to work out the way we want them to, and that makes us nervous. We can’t predict the future, or perhaps more accurately, control the future. Quite often, we catastrophize and think about all the things that could go wrong, and then try to methodically put in place measures to ensure that none of them can happen. Or we get anxious and can’t relax, searching desperately for ways to know for sure that we’ll get our desired outcome. But the reality is, life does not work that way, and it never has.

First of all, control is an illusion. Not only is it impossible to control time, but our world is just too complex and unpredictable to be able to manage every variable perfectly. This was one of my biggest takeaways from Four Thousand Weeks. We can keep spinning our wheels and working hard to move things in the direction we want, but it’s never going to be enough. No matter how good your plans are, how much intelligence and skill you possess, or how hard you work, it’s still true. There will always be things that are beyond your control, both things that you might predict as well as some surprises. That sounds kind of depressing!

But consider this: knowing that we can’t possibly be in full control of our time and lives can be liberating. It takes away some of the unreasonable and futile pressure we put on ourselves to try to manipulate circumstances to our will. For me, it helps to look back on key events in my life, and recognize how many of them were unexpected and outside of my control. No amount of preparation or planning could have prevented many of the tough events of the past few years at the local, national, or global levels. Nor could I do anything to avoid or eliminate the discomfort and pain, but both of those lessened over time.

Don’t worry, there’s a positive side to it too! Most, if not all, of the things that I am grateful for and that brought me the greatest joy in my life came not because I willed them to, but by chance. My jobs were not the result of meticulous career planning, yet I have had amazing opportunities to learn, grow, achieve, be inspired by and help a wide variety of people, and travel to places I never imagined I’d go. I met my husband by pure chance when we were living on opposite coasts and I had given up on ever finding another partner after my first marriage ended in a messy divorce. So what evidence is there that we need to tightly orchestrate our lives in order for it to turn out well, or to avoid bad things from happening? We’ve made it this far, haven’t we?

Perhaps this perspective can help during those times when things don’t go quite as you expected or wanted, and the future is unclear. Nothing is broken, or for the tech folks out there: it’s a feature of life, not a bug, aka working as intended. So what can you do if you don't have control over what happens in life? As always, focus on what you do have control over - yourself and what action you choose to take.

It’s okay not to be perfect or always feel like you know what you’re doing. Neither of those are realistic, so just try and do what you can. Take the next necessary step. Don’t worry about figuring it all out up front, because you can’t. And if you have to change your plans unexpectedly, don’t look at it as failure. Maybe you learned that there is something else you need to do first. And don’t forget to look back at what you have been able to get done. I could have very easily felt bad or guilty that I paused my blog short of my one year goal. But I’m pretty damn proud of being consistent with weekly writing for 9 months, even when I was on vacation, had a busy weekend, or hadn’t picked a topic ahead of time. I’ve written about things that matter to me, and while I don’t know yet or may never know the results or impact of my effort, at the very least it serves as a reminder to me of what I’ve learned and who I am.

Patience: Letting Time Do Its Thing

A few months ago, I wrote about the Four Stages of Competence. I’m now in the throes of the Conscious Incompetence stage in my new job, and I’m continuing to apply insights and perspective from Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mere Mortals by Oliver Burkeman to work through my own situation. There is a lot that I don’t know, but I can only absorb and retain so much each day, so it’s a painfully slow process. Last week, I talked about focus and letting go of distractions. Today’s theme is patience and acknowledging that, despite our best efforts, we can’t actually take control of time and bend it to our will. No matter how clever we are and how hard we work, some things just take their own time and can’t be rushed. 

This can be tough to accept in our modern, capitalist society because we are conditioned to be impatient and want everything right now. Technological advances help us to do things more easily and quickly, but they can also give us the false sense that we are closer to being able to control our time, raising our expectations for how fast we should be able to get things done. Take microwave ovens for instance - they make it possible to cook foods that may have previously required hours to cook within a few short minutes. But then we stand impatiently in front of the microwave watching the countdown of seconds, and we might even decide to intervene before the beep, ending the cycle a few seconds early because it seems unbearable to wait any longer. Sound familiar?

We’ve adopted a sense of urgency that bears a resemblance to addiction. We look for ways to numb unpleasant feelings–like the discomfort we feel when there’s a lull in the constant fast pace and busyness–by trying to do even more. Then we get anxious and can’t ever achieve peace of mind. The only way to break out of this cycle is to surrender to reality and face the truth that we can’t dictate how quickly things go. Some things just can’t be rushed. Take reading a book, for example–unless you’re an unusually proficient speed reader, if you go too fast, you won’t be able to make sense of what you’re reading, and there is no meaning to it, and then you’re just wasting time.

This is where patience comes in: resisting the urge to hurry, doing one thing at a time, and making it count. When we stop trying to escape the discomfort we feel when we are present, the discomfort eventually becomes less intense and we are able to enjoy the actual experience. Resisting the usual tendency to race towards resolution means we are permitting the necessary time for reality to unfold at its own pace. 

Burkeman offers three principles of patience:

1. Develop a taste for having problems - Instead of succumbing to the belief that we should not have problems, we can accept our problems as the things that we need to take care of and that give meaning and purpose to life. If we shift our focus from trying to get rid of all our problems to taking the time needed for each problem, we are experiencing what life is all about.

2. Embrace radical incrementalism - Spend smaller amounts of time on a task, but make it part of a regular routine, and in the long run you will end up producing more. Rushing to finish work as quickly as possible can have the unintended effect of hindering progress when we try to force time to conform to our will. This is especially true when there is a creative process involved - trying to hasten it will likely result in frustration. But when we stop what we’re doing after an allotted time, even if we feel we could do more, we’re building patience and the endurance to return to a project over and over again, making our productivity sustainable over a longer time.

3. Originality lives on the far side of unoriginality - Sometimes in our pursuit of the path less taken, we miss out on experiencing the richness and depth of going through all the stages and accomplishments of a well-worn path. Instead, focus on sticking with the part of the journey you’re in and truly engage where you are before seeking to switch to something else just because it’s different and exciting. 

So much of this speaks to me. I admit to being a variety junkie and I love to try new things, but if I reflect on the aspects of my life where I have meaning and satisfaction, they are the ones that have been consistent over a long period of time. Relationships with family and friends get richer over years. I see progress in my yoga practice and strength training workouts when I repeat the same poses or reps regularly for weeks or even months; I can’t force myself to be more flexible and strong by spending hours in one sitting on it. And I also can’t keep changing things up and expect to see progress. The creativity and progress involved in developing a discipline take time and persistence to develop.

I don’t know how long it will take to emerge from my current discomfort, but I know I have to let it be and stay the course. I’m taking it one day at a time. Every once in a while there will be a glimpse of progress, a small sense of accomplishment, to give me hope. And I’ll keep showing up.

No Mo FOMO

Tis the season for busyness. Kids are back in school, we’re starting the annual strategy and planning process at work, and the to-do list just keeps getting longer. I noticed myself becoming overwhelmed by all the things I needed to get done for work and didn’t like how it was affecting me - I was too focused on what I was not getting done, and where I was falling behind. So I set out to reframe my situation in a different, more constructive and positive light. I worked with my coach to form a new perspective, choosing where to put my attention in the moment, one step at a time, rather than getting bogged down by all the things I could or should be getting done. I started by seeing my work as a giant warehouse with harsh and bright fluorescent flood lights illuminating every nook and cranny of the space and changed it to the gentle glow of a candle in my hands that showed me just what I need to see right in front of me, where I could still walk in any direction one step at a time. Limiting the light, or my attention, would allow me to be very present and intentional, and it also meant accepting that everything else would stay in the dark until I chose to step closer to it.

My perspective is influenced in no small part by reading the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mere Mortals by Oliver Burkeman a few months ago. I can’t remember who recommended it to me (if it was you, thank you!), because I didn’t bother to crack the book open until several weeks after I got it from the library. After all, I thought, I’m pretty good at time management already, meaning I know how to be productive and get lots of things done. But I was wrong, because this book is about taking a different view on time management. It’s not about packing as much as possible into the time you have, but acknowledging that our time is limited—an 80-year life span is about 4000 weeks—and making the best use of it. No matter how much we do, there is always more we could do, and we just end up feeling busier, stressed, and unfulfilled. Instead, if we accept and embrace the finitude of life, let go of the idea that we have to do everything, and focus on a few things that really count, life becomes more meaningful and satisfying. 

Doing only a few things means choosing not to do a lot of other things. This is not easy to do given all of the distractions we have at our fingertips, many of which are designed to grab our limited attention and influence our behaviors, like social media apps and sites that make it easy to scroll and refresh. We’re bombarded with endless information and choices. My email inbox and physical mailbox are full of messages and images designed to attract my attention. All of these are very tempting ways to distract myself and deal with boredom, but then I just end up avoiding and procrastinating on what really matters. And because there are so many things competing for my attention, it creates a sense of missing out if I don’t tend to them.

The thing is, I only feel FOMO (fear of missing out) because I know these things exist! If I didn’t, I’d just go merrily about my business. So where possible, I’m letting go of the things that cause the most distraction, unsubscribing from email lists, limiting social media, opting out of catalogs that I never subscribed to in the first place, and ignoring click bait. But more importantly, I’m weaning myself off of the to-do list and deciding, even if it gives me the uncomfortable feeling of settling, on the few really important things. 

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, stop worrying about what you’re not doing and pay attention to what you choose to spend your time on. Choose to give your attention to the present, what is right in front of you, instead of the endless possibilities. Do the most meaningful things first, and be okay with dropping the rest, especially those middling priorities, because those are the most tempting distractions but ultimately won’t matter much. Letting go can be incredibly liberating, and allows you to focus on the experience of doing something that might be challenging or have an uncertain outcome, but will ultimately be more fulfilling.

Tune in next week for more wisdom from Four Thousand Weeks…