The Four Stages of Competence

Please indulge me as I start this week’s post with a not-so-humble brag. Today I received my Erickson Solution Focused Coach Diploma! Since I started the first course 14 months ago, I have completed 140 hours of training and over 100 hours of coaching, and successfully passed the final oral assessment. It’s been quite a journey (future blog topic?) and a nice illustration of the Four Stages of Competence learning model, which is what I’m going to cover today.

When you’re learning a new skill or doing something for the first time (anything from riding a bike to buying your first home), it can be helpful to be aware of where you are in the learning process so you know what to focus on. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and to have to apply a higher level of effort for a while, but it won’t always be that way. Knowing that this is a normal part of the process can help to ward off any feelings of discouragement. Also, who doesn’t love a model that fits into a 2x2 matrix (though it is also represented as a hierarchy in a pyramid)?

The Four Stages of Competence model has been around at least since 1969, documented as the “four levels of teaching” by Martin M. Broadwell, and describes the progression of psychological states that most learners go through while developing competence in a skill. 

Unconscious Incompetence

You don’t know what you don’t know

Most people start at this first stage, where you lack awareness of your deficit and possibly why the skill is important to have. You’re making mistakes, but not yet able to recognize that you are. The hallmark of the Unconscious Incompetence stage is developing awareness. 

This was me as I was choosing a coaching certification program based on a spreadsheet of recommendations compiled by co-workers. I was eager to learn, and had some knowledge of what coaching was based on my years of experience as a mentor and a few rounds of being a coaching client, but I had no idea what skills and knowledge I would need.

Conscious Incompetence

What have I gotten myself into?!

Once you have more awareness, you realize how little you know and how much you have to learn. During this stage, you may feel overwhelmed or that you are backtracking because you are now aware of your mistakes, but you also understand why the new skill is valuable. 

When I started the first course, I spent a few hours every weekend completing the assigned prep work for each module, watching videos of lectures and coaching demonstrations, taking quizzes, and posting my impressions on a discussion forum. There were so many new concepts introduced each week that I wondered how I’d ever be able to remember them while also listening to a coaching client and thinking of what question to ask next.

Conscious Competence

I can do it but it takes a lot of effort and concentration

As you continue to practice, things start to click and you develop some proficiency. However, it takes a good amount of conscious effort to perform the skills.

In class, we practiced in triads with a coach, a client, and an observer. I relied heavily on the course manual and handouts, guiding a client through the coaching framework we were taught step-by-step. The long silences felt awkward, and I still stumbled occasionally. I also compiled a list of questions in a spreadsheet that I referred to at times when I was stumped.

Unconscious Competence

Automatic and effortless

In this final stage, you have reached a high level of proficiency and the skill becomes second nature. You no longer have to try so hard because it is now intuitive. You have a deep understanding of the skill and may even be able to teach it to others.

After hours and hours of practicing coaching with dozens of clients, I no longer needed to use my handouts and spreadsheets as a crutch. I learned how to make coaching sessions flow more naturally and could relax and be fully present.

The next time you embark upon learning something new, if you become frustrated or discouraged, consider what stage you are in and keep at it! And if you are teaching or helping someone else to develop a new skill, provide feedback that is simple and lightweight in the earlier stages, waiting until they have reached a higher stage of proficiency before getting into the deeper details.

Are You A Maximizer Or Satisficer?

How do you make decisions?

We recently booked a trip this summer to a country we’ve never visited before, and I felt overwhelmed by all the choices. I decided to work with a local travel agent who came highly recommended, and it was such a great experience, saving us hours and hours of research time and money. More importantly, we were spared the difficult task of having to make choices across a multitude of possible cities, hotels, tours, and flights. When our travel agent sent a proposed itinerary, we read through it, thought it sounded fine, and told her to go ahead and book it. Easy peasy, right? But maybe some of you reading this are not comfortable with this approach; how do I know I really made the best possible choices? If that sounds like you, you may be a maximizer.

The concept of maximizers and satisficers is often attributed to psychologist Barry Schwartz’s 2004 book The Paradox of Choice, where he argues that an abundance of choice can actually lead to anxiety and psychological stress. The term satisficer, a combination of satisfy and suffice, was actually coined by political scientist Herman A. Simon, who did research in decision-making and won a Nobel Prize in 1978. Satisficers make decisions by choosing what is good enough to satisfy minimum requirements, while maximizers seek the best possible outcome by considering all possible alternatives. I will note up front that one approach is not inherently different than the other, but there are trade-offs to each approach.

Since the goal is to make the best possible choice, the maximizing approach can result in more benefits and minimal costs or risks. Maximizers explore all available options and evaluate them based on various criteria. However, taking such a thorough approach takes planning and preparation and, ultimately, more time and effort. And because of the perfectionist tendency, it can lead to greater potential for delay, regret at the final decision, and revisiting of decisions.

On the other hand, satisficing saves time and effort because once an acceptable option is found, you are done. This approach is usually more relaxed and efficient, so there is less stress and anxiety. Satisficers tend to be more content and confident with their decisions and less likely to second-guess themselves. However, there is also potential for making suboptimal decisions.

So which approach is best for you? You may have a preference for one or the other based on your personality and values, but keep in mind that it really depends on the context. For example, if a decision is irreversible, it may be worth taking a maximizer approach. However, if the stakes are low or the decision is easily reversible, you can save yourself both time and angst by being a satisficer. Some examples of this are creating a capsule wardrobe or wearing a uniform, shopping at Trader Joe’s instead of a large supermarket, or leaving your travel planning to an agent (though in a way that is outsourcing the maximization to an expert). The important thing is to be conscious of what your natural preference is, and also to intentionally choose your approach based on the nature of the decision to be made.

When It Helps To Go Out Of Your Mind

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As an introvert, I have an active inner world, and spend a lot of time in my head. However, I’ve learned over time that trying to concentrate really hard on a topic is often not the most effective means to get the insight and clarity you need to solve a problem or make an important decision. Sometimes, the most effective way to think is to take things out of your brain or give the idea a bit of space and time to percolate.

Sleeping on it

When you have an important and complicated decision to make, you may have heard the advice to “sleep on it”. This is not just about getting rest for your mind so that it can be fresh in the morning. When you allow a problem to simmer, it relaxes your mind, taking away some of the pressure that can cloud your ability to think clearly. It also enables unconscious organizing and processing, and even accessing additional information stored away in different parts of your brain. It’s not just when you’re sleeping that this can happen - I’ve mentioned in an earlier blog post that I get some of my best ideas when I’m out of my head, giving my brain a break by doing something physical, like practicing yoga or lifting weights.

Just this week I’ve been in a few meetings where we were tasked with making difficult decisions as a group. There were a few areas where we just got stuck and went around in circles, unable to reach consensus or even a strong point of view. At that point, the best thing we could do was step away, because it was clear that we could continue to talk and think indefinitely without reaching a decision. 

Downloading

Has this ever happened to you? You’re in bed in the middle of the night, when suddenly a thought pops into your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it, so much that it prevents you from being able to sleep. For me, it’s often a lightbulb moment. Maybe it’s even the product of sleeping on an idea. But then my mind is full and active, and I have difficulty turning it off. Several years ago, I started keeping a pen and paper in my nightstand so I could jot down whatever brilliant idea I had so I could effectively download it from my brain, relieving myself of the effort of holding on to it. This works surprisingly well for me, and it’s fun to look at whatever I scribbled in the dark the next morning and decide if there is anything useful in there. There usually is, though it’s not always as mind-blowing as it seemed at 2 am.

David Allen, productivity expert and author of Getting Things Done*, said, “Your mind is for having ideas, not holding them.” Regularly downloading ideas is a helpful practice to free up your mental resources so you can dedicate them to problem solving and generating more ideas.

Downloading can also be helpful when you feel stuck about a specific situation. It’s easy to overthink to the point that your thoughts get muddled - I picture them as a big scribble inside my brain, just waiting to get downloaded so I can make sense of them. You can do this either by writing things down, or better yet talking about the problem out loud to someone you trust. Suddenly, things become much more clear. I’ve experienced this time and time again when I’ve talked about an issue to someone else, and it makes me feel silly  - “Doh! Why couldn't I come up with this on my own?” 

But I have learned that it’s not just me, because I have witnessed this phenomenon with coaching clients on multiple occasions. After verbalizing their thoughts out loud, and sometimes with a simple open question or two to allow them to see the situation from a different perspective, the answer becomes obvious. As much as I’d love to take credit, it’s not because of my brilliant coaching. Sometimes you just need the space to process outside of your head to see things more clearly.

Thinking Outside of Your Head

Related to downloading is the concept of thinking outside of your mind. In her book, The Extended Mind: The Power of Thinking Outside the Brain*, Annie Murphy Paul explores the idea that the mind is not limited to the boundaries of the brain, but is extended to the external world. Paul uses research in neuroscience, psychology, and philosophy to assert that the mind is a system distributed across the brain, body, and environment. There are many more interesting concepts than I can cover here, but a few have stuck with me since I read the book

The Body

The book introduces the concept of embodied cognition, which suggests that our physical bodies can play a role in shaping our cognitive processes. For example, there is a connection between thinking about moving. Physical activity can help to keep your mind alert and focused, and you can use it to manage our mental activity by not sitting still but instead following your natural urge to move, including fidgeting. Exercise also has positive effects on the brain and can enhance your mental function, including memory. Consider ways that you might incorporate movements, such as taking a walk to enhance your creativity, or using gestures to help convey thoughts and ideas.

The ability to listen to your body and be aware of internal signals is called interoception. Your body is able to judge a situation more quickly and parse more complex information than your conscious mind. In a study of financial traders, the ones with strong interoceptive abilities who could identify and act on their subtle physiological signals were the most successful.

Environment

Spending time in nature can enhance your ability to focus on a task and think better. Your brain can process nature more easily than it can artificial environments, and the vastness of nature can enhance your creativity, helping you to think bigger and more broadly. Perhaps you have been in buildings or urban spaces that incorporate biophilic design based on studies that have shown that working and learning in spaces inspired by nature can have some of the same positive effects as being in nature.

External tools

I’ve heard people lament that technology is making us dumber, but Paul points out that when you offload some of your cognitive processes to external objects and technologies, such as smartphones for storing and accessing information or GPS systems for navigation, you are able to think, learn and remember in new and more efficient ways. Think of it as delegating or outsourcing so that you can enhance your cognitive abilities.

As amazing and complex the human brain is, this was just a glimpse into the many ways you can increase its abilities by getting out of your head. To explore further, check out this 14 minute podcast about the science behind “sleeping on it”, read The Extended Mind: The Power of Thinking Outside the Brain* for yourself, or learn about biophilic design.

*affiliate link

When You're Not the Problem: Stop Trying to Fix Yourself

While building up my coaching experience in the past year, I’ve done many “dyads” with fellow coaches where we take turns coaching each other. When I am the coachee, I often bring a topic related to how I can improve myself or explore a situation that frustrates me, and what I learn after processing the situation out loud is often that I don’t need to change or do more. I’m doing the best that I can, and that is enough. It’s hard for me to get to that conclusion on my own, and even more difficult to say out loud, “I am fine. I am enough.”

I know it’s not just me; I have clients who feel stuck and come with questions about how they can solve a tough problem by learning how to do something better. As they describe the situation in more detail, it soon becomes apparent that the root of the problem actually lies elsewhere. In those cases, once they become aware that they are not the problem, the shift in perspective allows them to move forward. If you’re like us, you need to hear this: stop trying to fix yourself.

There is a fine line between wanting to grow and improve yourself and blaming yourself for a situation that is outside of your control. How can you tell the difference? There’s certainly nothing wrong with looking inward. But there are those times when you’ve done the best that you can and you’ve followed all the common wisdom or best practices. Maybe you’ve even talked to a couple people you trust for advice, and what they tell you matches what you’ve already been doing. At that point, take that as a potential sign that maybe you are already doing the right things. Sometimes you may be lucky enough to have someone else point that out for you. When that happens, stop looking for the elusive magic answer that you think you’re missing.

You can’t fix yourself, because you’re not broken. Really. Even when you feel like it. Believe me, I’ve been there so many times. Accept that you can’t fix things by trying harder or being better, because you’re not the problem. That also means this might be a situation that you cannot control through your own efforts, no matter how valiant..

So, what can you do? Ask yourself, what would change if you are not the problem in this situation? First, consider what the real problem is. It might be someone else, or the situation itself. Resist the temptation to just shift blame, because you can’t control or change other people. Then, focus on what is within your control - your attitude and your actions. Once you face the truth about what is really going on, consider your options.

One option is radical acceptance - acknowledging what you cannot change or control without holding on to negative emotions like blame. This can be very freeing, and give you the perspective needed to move forward in a more positive and constructive way. In most cases, this clarity is enough.

But there are times when a situation is so bad that it’s going to make you unhappy no matter how enlightened you are. If you’re in a toxic work environment or have to deal with an individual or group who are actively hostile or unwilling to cooperate with you, consider how you can minimize your exposure to them. That might mean working on a different project or with different people, or escalating the situation to someone who is in a position to help you. But if it’s not a situation that can be changed, focus your attention on getting the heck out. You might not have the luxury of being able to quit your job on the spot, but you can start looking into what your options are. Because you deserve better.

So the next time you feel stuck in a tough situation, step back and take a look at the big picture: you may not be the problem.

Navigating Ambiguities in Life with your Internal GPS

I was recently frustrated with myself for changing my mind multiple times and feeling uncertain about plans I had made. When I talked it through with a coaching colleague, I realized that not knowing exactly what I wanted was to be expected, given that I made changes in my life to fulfill some objectives I had set for this year. After going through a difficult time last year, I wanted to make sure that this year would be better, my best year yet. Even though this was something that I wanted and initiated on my own, I was forging my own path, not following a well-defined route. And never having been to my future destination, of course I couldn’t know exactly what to expect along the way and once I reached it.

This reminded me of a conversation I had while working with a financial planner on retirement planning a couple years ago. As part of the pre-work, I did a visualization exercise to imagine what retirement might look like. It was the first time I had ever really thought about it in detail, and I considered things like where I wanted to live and how I would spend my time. That helped me determine how much money I would need to save to pay for housing, everyday expenses, big ticket items like travel, etc. But it also made me a bit uneasy to commit to that vision of my life decades in the future, when I knew there was so much uncertainty ahead. The way my retirement plan was set up, there was a model with dozens of inputs and assumptions, all of which could be modified to recompute the model and its predicted outcomes. 

Think of it like a GPS, the financial planner said, not a compass. At the time, I liked that analogy, and it helped me again as I pondered my recent uncertainty, as well as today’s reality where we seem to face ever-increasing complexity and ambiguity. The ability to navigate ambiguity in life and at work is a necessary skill in order to survive and thrive. Think of it as driving with your own internal Google Maps navigation system to guide you.

Multiple Routes

When you are trying to get somewhere by car, there are usually multiple ways to get to your destination. Which one is best? It depends on what’s most important to you at the time. Sometimes you just want to get there as quickly and efficiently as possible. In that case, you can follow the fastest route provided by your GPS. That works great for everyday needs like driving to and from work.

But sometimes, the fastest route might require taking a tricky left turn onto a busy street or paying a toll. Maybe you want an easier or cheaper route, and time is not the most important factor. Or maybe you need to stop by CVS on your way home to pick something up. Your GPS can handle all of those situations.

Likewise, in life, there is more than one way to get to where you want to go. When faced with choices, consider what your priorities are, and pick the path that best meets your needs.

Unexpected Roadblocks 

At times, you may encounter a roadblock or other unexpected challenge on your usual route that your GPS doesn’t know about. You might need to take a different turn, straying from the prescribed route. Then what happens? The GPS does not start sounding alarms and ordering you to get back on the original route. Instead, it recalculates a new route based on where you are.

So when things don’t go as expected in life, before you panic and tell yourself that you’re never going to make it, turn on your inner GPS and recompute your path. In the end, you’ll still get there.

Trying new routes and discovery

Back in the day before we had kids, my husband and I used to enjoy going on weekend drives, exploring an area without having any particular destination in mind. We had no idea where we would end up, and part of the fun was the discovery, finding something we didn’t know before. There could be endless potential outcomes, and we didn’t have preconceived notions of what to expect. This was before Google Maps existed, but even if it did, we couldn’t map a route without having a specified destination.

We felt disoriented at times navigating unfamiliar areas. Sometimes we’d turn onto a street and run into a dead end or end up somewhere we didn’t like. When that happened, we would just turn around and go back to where we came from, having learned not to go that way again. But the real beauty of discovery was when we found something really cool and unexpected along the way, like an amazing view or a cool little cafe. If we had stuck with the familiar, we would have missed out on the delight of finding something new.

So when you’re trying new things in life and things don’t go as you expected, remember that this is fine. It’s not a mistake or misstep.

Coming back to my original story, I felt disappointed when things didn't go how I expected, and my first thought was that it was my fault, that I failed. But when I apply the driving navigation analogy, if I visited a place that I had never been to, and I had an image of what it might be like, would I feel like a failure if the place didn’t match my mental image? Of course not! That’s just part of discovery. I might be surprised, but I would not judge myself for not knowing an unknown place.

Next time you are facing an ambiguous situation without a well-lit path, go into it armed with your internal GPS and the knowledge that whatever path you take, if you keep going and stay open to discovery, you will get to where you need to be in the end.

Time Management

One of the most common complaints I’ve heard from my mentees and coaching clients over the years is that they have so many things to do and not enough time. They suffer from being burnt out due to working long hours, not being able to get things done on time, managing interruptions, and always being exhausted. Here are my favorite tried-and-true methods for effective time management that I share with them to become more productive and less stressed, and achieve their goals more efficiently.

Identify your most important tasks and plan your day accordingly

Each day, think about what your job is that day. What are the 2-3 most important things that you need to get done? Notice I didn’t say the top 10. Be realistic, and prioritize. This doesn’t mean you won’t do anything else, but you should be able to identify what is most important. I like to write these down so I can check-in on how well I did at completing these at the end of the day. 

Then, make sure your schedule for the day reflects your priorities. If you don’t allocate time to get your most important tasks done, how can you possibly succeed? I use an online calendar, but you can also do this in a paper planner. Just as you would a meeting or appointment, schedule your work on your calendar. As you’re doing this, here are a few tips for effective scheduling:

• Do the most important work when your energy levels are highest. If you don’t know when this is, you may need to observe your energy levels for a couple days to see when you are most productive and effective. For me, this is usually first thing in the morning and late in the afternoon, and when I can be most confident that things will actually get done, so I have scheduled work blocks on my calendar during those times.

• Make the most of your scheduled time by time blocking and time boxing. These two time management techniques are similar but with a different emphasis.

• Time Blocking is about setting aside time by deciding when you are going to work on one specific task. As much as I love multi-tasking, in reality it’s not that effective because you’re not able to really focus. If you have a lot of meetings during the day, try to cluster them together to create bigger leftover blocks of time outside of meetings for completing your individual tasks. In other words, defrag your calendar (IYKYK)

• Time boxing means allotting a fixed, maximum unit of time for an activity, and completing the task in that allotted time. At the end of this time, you are done for now. Decide whether what you’ve achieved is good enough, or you need to schedule more time for the job later. A helpful tool for timeboxing is a Pomodoro timer, which usually uses 25-minute work blocks followed by a 5 minute break. You can find plenty of free apps for this - the one I use is called Pomodoro Timer and I think I paid $3.99 for the ads-free version.

• Schedule time for breaks and unexpected interruptions - You’re human, so make sure you have time for basic biological needs like bathroom breaks and meals, but also to deal with any unexpected requests that may come your way throughout the day.

Manage Interruptions and unplanned work throughout the day

During your scheduled work time, be somewhere that you can sit or stand comfortably and minimize any distractions like chat and email. When you do check your email and chat, what happens when new items come up that are not part of your planned work? Prioritize new tasks, using a tool called the Eisenhower Matrix, aka the Urgent-Important Matrix. It was popularized by former US President and Army General Dwight D. Eisenhower, who was known for his ability to manage his time effectively. As you triage interruptions or new request, ask yourself two questions: 1) Is this urgent? and 2) Is this important? Use your answers and the chart below to determine what action to take.

Eisenhower matrix

Take Breaks

Plan for rest during your day and actually take the breaks! Rest and recovery are critical to your health and performance. Taking regular breaks can help you stay refreshed and focused, and even short breaks can help you recharge your batteries and increase your productivity. Use your breaks to stretch, walk around, or do something relaxing to help you clear your mind. If you’re like me and sit in front of a computer most of the day, it’s also helpful to give your eyes a break from the screen and your body a break from sitting.

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Those are the tips that I’ve found most helpful to increase my productivity and effectiveness and avoid burnout. What are your favorite time management tips? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments!

Be Lazy and Selfish

Are you overwhelmed by all the tasks and responsibilities on your plate? Are you being pulled in too many directions at once? Do you feel the pressure of constantly increasing demands on your time? Are you working hard but not getting anywhere, like you’re running on a hamster wheel? If the answer is no, feel free to skip this post. But if this sounds like you, then I hereby give you permission – nay, I implore you – to Be Lazy and Selfish™. 

But Caroline, you might protest, why would you ever recommend that? Isn’t being lazy and selfish a BAD thing?

I’m using these terms because if you’ve gotten stuck on a hamster wheel, you may fear that the advice I'm about to give you would make you lazy and selfish. Of course, it won’t really do that. I use “lazy” and “selfish” in a tongue-in-cheek way to describe how you can simultaneously perform better and increase your satisfaction. Think about it as one way to work smarter, not harder. Being lazy means to do less, but also to be strategic and intentional about how you spend your time, which is also part of being selfish - prioritize yourself and your needs. With that, my dear hamsters, here is a list of practices you can try to incorporate into your life. Think of it as a menu, not a checklist, though I have personally found all of these to be useful.

Do Less

The first thing to do is take stock of where you can do fewer things. Start by considering all the activities and tasks that fill your day and ask yourself the following questions:

• What could you do more efficiently? Are there tasks that you could automate, or cut out excessive steps? For example, if you are still mailing checks to pay your bills, set up auto pay. Or if you have a task at work that you must do on a regular basis, how can you avoid repeating the steps every time

• What could you do less of, or less perfectly? If it takes you a long time to complete your tasks, it’s possible that you are aiming for perfection. But according to the 80-20 rule or Pareto principle, 80% of your output takes about 20% of the input or effort, and that last 20% of output takes 80% of your effort. In other words, you can get to good pretty quickly, and in many cases, that is sufficient. Learn to recognize those instances and stop before you spend too much time trying to achieve perfection. 

I’m practicing this principle every week with my blog. I will admit that I have perfectionist tendencies, but I’ve learned that done is better than perfect. So I accept that there may be minor errors here and there, and that I could keep wordsmithing for days, but it’s more important to publish something that is good enough and then move on with my life.

• What can you outsource? This could mean paying someone to do it for you, or delegating. Start with the things that you enjoy the least - for me, it’s cleaning the house. There are plenty of great housekeepers out there. This summer we are planning a trip to a country we’ve never been to, and I didn’t want to spend hours to research hotels, airfare, and sights. I found a travel agent (yes, they still exist) who put together an amazing itinerary based on our interests and preference for a small fee. 

Then consider things that you have mastered already. Who could you delegate the task to, creating a win-win situation where they can learn something new and potentially improve the process by looking at it with a fresh perspective. Or perhaps you have children who complain about being bored - what household chores could you assign to them?

• What could you stop doing? Consider what you’re doing today that no longer serves its original purpose. Maybe it started out of necessity, but things have changed and you just kept going out of habit. For example, are there recurring meetings at work that are no longer useful? Cancel them, or at least consider reducing the frequency?

Rest and Recover

Being busy and productive and getting lots of things done can be addictive. I get it. I love creating a list of tasks and the oh-so-satisfying feeling of checking the boxes off one by one. But  if you’re constantly on the go without breaks, I can guarantee you’re not performing at your optimum level. And if you’re anything like me, you might have pretty good endurance but at the end of the day you are just exhausted. I’ve had times when I finished a major effort and felt physically ill once I let myself take a breather.

There’s plenty of research that supports the importance of recovery when it comes to exercise and athletic performance. The same is true for mental performance. If you are trying to simultaneously process too much information at once, you risk cognitive overload. Taking breaks is important not only to rest your mind so you can be more productive, but also so you can create the space to be more creative. I don’t get my best ideas and insights by thinking harder. I often find that if I let a problem or idea sit for a while, it seems to process in my unconscious mind and I’ll find inspiration while i’m trying to sleep (not ideal) or while I’m working out or doing yoga in the morning (i.e., getting out of my head). So make sure you include enough time in your day to be idle or do something recreational.

Ask, What’s In it For Me (WIFM)?

Here’s where I’m going to ask you to put yourself first. Or at least don’t put yourself last after everyone else. Whatever it is you’re spending your time and energy on - are you able to answer the question, What’s in it for me? There are plenty of good answers to that question. Sometimes it will be easy - you are doing something that you are passionate about and genuinely enjoy. Sometimes it’s not something you love to do, but you should still be getting something out of it - learning an important new skill, working on a project that will help you to advance in your career, helping someone important to you, financial benefits, etc. 

But if you have trouble identifying what’s in it for you, stop saying yes to those things. I’ll say it again - stop saying yes to things you don’t want to do that don’t give you anything. Save your time for activities that are more worthwhile. Stop putting everyone else’s needs before your own. And important to all of the above is knowing what it is that you value, what you want. When you know what that is, let people know, and ask for it. Advocate for yourself. I spent way too much time thinking that as long as I did good work, I would get the rewards that I deserve and that they would be fair. But how should I expect anyone to know what matters to me unless I tell them?

It’s likely that the idea of adopting some of these practices makes you uncomfortable, because they require changing your mindset and habits. Just remember that’s a perfectly normal feeling, and over time you will get more comfortable as you reap the benefits of being Lazy and Selfish like me.

• Just for fun: who remembers the Hampster Dance?

Calling All Imposters: Fake It Till You Make It

Although I aspire to publish a new blog post every Friday, I let myself off the hook yesterday because we took the kids to Alcatraz (don’t worry, it was a round trip journey). It was a cold day with occasional rain, but we made the best of it and the kids had a good time.

Do you ever grapple with imposter syndrome? Are you working on an area of personal or professional development that is taking you outside of your comfort zone? This may require you to do things you have never done before, applying skills that you are still developing. Maybe you are trying to accomplish something no one has done before, where there is no well-lit path.

A surprising number of high achievers I know have a tendency to attribute their success to luck and fear that they will be exposed as a fraud. Self doubt, inner critic, call it what you want, it’s something that I’m very familiar with personally as well. With my impressive resume of doubts, insecurities, self-judgment, and fears, I could be the president of the Imposters Club. But I’ve also found the antidote - Fake it Till You Make it (FITYMI).

Wikipedia attributes the earliest use of this phrase to a Simon & Garfunkel song called “Fakin’ It”. While the song lyrics say, “And I know I'm fakin' it / I'm not really makin' it”, the idea behind FITYMI is that if you persist, you will eventually make it. To be clear, I’m not talking about deception, lying, or false bravado - I’m saying “fake it” here with a good dose of irony. FITYMI is not really about faking, but about choosing to believe in yourself even when it doesn’t come naturally, and deciding to take action. By acting as if you are already competent and confident in what you’re doing, you can make those things a reality. That is, show up and start practicing. It’s okay if you are a novice and don’t have all the answers. You may start out by going with your gut or instincts. By having the experiences, going through the motions, you start to embody the qualities you wish you had. And you prove to yourself that you are not an imposter after all. Our brains have the capability to adapt and learn through changes in behavior and thinking. By having new experiences and learning, we allow our brains to rewire, creating new neural connections. We are not hard-wired.

FITYMI is is a form of risk-taking, which means it takes courage. Start small (remember Start Where You Are?), and practice, practice, practice. At the beginning, take risks where the consequences of failure are minor, and embrace the failure as a learning opportunity. Take time to reflect on what went well, and what could improve. It’s also important to recognize when you’ve made it and acknowledge your progress. For example, as you notice that others seem to believe you’ve got what it takes, you start to believe it yourself and feel more confident. And there you have it - growth mindset!

I’ll share how this approach has worked for me. Once upon a time, I was terrified of presenting and being the center of attention. I felt that I just wasn’t good at it and could not speak with the confidence and ease that everyone else seemed to have. Just the idea of it made me physically nervous - my heart would beat wildly and my body would tense up. However, I also recognized that it was a useful and important skill to have if I wanted to be successful at work, so I decided to work on it.

I created as many opportunities as possible at work to speak in front of a group. I raised my hand to present about what my team was working on in front of execs. At the beginning, it took a lot of time and was terrifying. I wrote out every single word I was going to say like a script, practiced out loud by myself, and kept editing my script until it sounded the way I wanted it to. Then I practiced it in front of another person, usually my husband, for a second opinion, since I still lacked confidence. When it was time to present, I kept my speaker notes open as a crutch.

It was around this time that I got certified as a yoga teacher and started teaching regular weekly yoga classes. Every week, I wrote out my entire sequence and practiced it the night before from start to finish, keeping my notes close by as I taught. Before each class, I usually felt anxious for a full hour leading up to the class. I was in the uncomfortable position of having to be “on” for an hour in front of a group of people.

Then I got an email announcing a new career development program at Google called Stretch with a call for facilitators. I applied and went through a train-the-trainer session. I was a Stretch facilitator for several years, and it was a great experience learning to present pre-existing materials and facilitate discussions with a group of learners I had just met.

The next year, I signed up to do a short “lightning talk” at a national conference for program managers. I spent lots of time researching and compiling content, and again I wrote out everything I wanted to say. That same year, someone approached me about conducting a leadership workshop at the summit. At the time I was practicing saying “yes” to scary things, so I agreed to do it. This entailed developing all the materials as well as leading the workshop. This was my first time doing something like this and I had no idea what I was doing, but I drew inspiration from what I had learned in the Stretch program and others, did lots of research, and cobbled together an agenda. In the end, I led a 90-minute workshop with about 200 participants. It was terrifying, chaotic, and exhilarating.

All of this happened over the course of a few years. It was not a quick and easy process, but at some point I stopped being nervous about teaching yoga classes and no longer needed to do extensive preparation. I gained confidence as a speaker and facilitator, relying less on a well-rehearsed script, until one day I realized that I wasn’t terrified anymore and I might even enjoy myself in the process. Most importantly, I am able to say with confidence that I’m pretty good at it now!

This experience has given me the confidence to stretch myself in multiple other situations. I’m practically a professional faker. A few years ago, I took on a new role where I was tasked with building an insider risk program from the ground up. When I first learned about the job, I had no idea what insider risk was, or what the difference was between security & privacy. But I knew I could apply my past experience and was willing to do the work to learn. I took chances and put myself out there, sharing my ideas even when I had no idea if people would tell me they were terrible. It was stressful and scary, but I just kept taking steps forward. I shared what my new team was doing whenever I had the chance - success stories, best practices, and challenges - and we soon earned a positive reputation for the progress we were able to make.

FITYMI probably won’t make you completely immune to imposter syndrome, but it’s a muscle you can build so that you will default less and less to inaction when you feel the fear. I still grapple with it from time to time when facing a new challenge, but I now have the experience to know that my FITYMI strategy can work in a number of situations.

Related: Amy Cuddy Ted Talk “Fake it Till you Make It” - changing the shape of your body through power poses to boost your confidence and how others perceive you.

What Doesn't Kill You Gives You Knowledge, Power, and Inspiration

“Aus der Kriegsschule des Lebens. — Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker
(Out of life’s school of war—What does not kill me makes me stronger).”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1889

This is a slightly uncomfortable post for me, because it’s very personal. I often say my life is an open book and am not shy about sharing personal stories and details with others. However, putting this in writing on a blog feels a little scary. I’ve chosen to refactor that feeling as “uncomfortably excited” in the hopes that it might help someone out there. So here goes.

I’m generally a pretty chill person and I’m not easily stressed out or worried. I also tend to have a positive outlook and make decisions fairly quickly without deliberating or researching extensively. When people ask me for advice or want to know how I built this skill, I tell them that who I am today, my identity and my approach to life, is due in large part to three seminal life events. I am not where I am because of good luck. These were not happy events - in fact, you could inarguably call them tragedies. Don’t get me wrong, I have had a lot of good luck in my life. But I owe a lot to the bad luck and difficulty I’ve experienced. These events and the aftermath have all played an immense role in shaping my view of the world and the values I hold.  

Content warning: Please note that the following stories include discussions of death, so if this topic could be troubling for you, skip right past the stories to the 3 Gifts Technique. On the other hand, I found writing about these experiences helpful and cathartic even after many years, so I’ve also published more detailed versions of the stories.

Loss of a Parent

When I was 18 years old, my mom died the week before my fall quarter finals in college. She had been diagnosed with cancer when I was 6, but my parents didn’t tell us kids much about it since we were so young. She occasionally went away for surgery and lost her hair during chemotherapy, but otherwise, her illness did not overshadow my childhood. When she passed away, it was my first experience with death and my first funeral. 

In addition to grieving the loss of my mom, I returned to school the following quarter having to make up all of my final exams while starting a new set of classes. It was extremely stressful but I caught up in about a month. And eventually, I learned how to move on. The experience brought me closer to my father, because he and my brother were the only ones who understood what I was going through. 

Prior to this, I had an innocent and happy childhood without facing any major difficulties, so this was the first time I had to deal with this level of pain and suffering. I learned that there were a lot of people I could count on to help when I was struggling, and I learned who my true friends were. I learned what grieving feels like. And I learned that I could survive one of the most devastating things that I could ever imagine.

Detailed version of this story

Natural Disaster

After I graduated from college, I moved to Kobe, Japan, for my first real job. About 6 months later, there was a massive earthquake (the Great Hanshin earthquake of 1995, 6.9 magnitude, 7.3 on the Richter scale) that destroyed buildings, roads, and other infrastructure and claimed over 6000 lives. I was living alone in an apartment on the second floor of a building that partially collapsed. I was displaced for several months, living in various hotels in Osaka and Kyoto and working in a temporary office space. 

Since I had limited ties to Japan at the time, I was 90% sure I was going to leave the country, but ultimately decided to stay and over the next 3 years witnessed the rebuilding of Kobe and the amazing resilience of the residents. I had the opportunity to volunteer to help clean up homes that were ravaged by the earthquake, and learned how little material possessions matter compared to human life.

Detailed version of this story

Divorce

I got married when I was pretty young (25), and it was not a healthy relationship. After years of counseling, mostly on my own, I made the very difficult decision to get a divorce. And while the decision was a relief, I felt confident that it was the right choice for me, and it was not a friendly parting, I still felt like a part of me was ripped away. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person, and suddenly half of my identity was gone. It was like someone I loved had died, except that they were still out there and I might run into them any time. It was a huge financial burden too - lawyers are not cheap, and we opted for a one-time settlement instead of me paying ongoing alimony (we did not have kids). I had to borrow a good chunk of money from my 401K. 

I lived in a fog for months, and at one point rear-ended a pickup truck with my tiny Prius and had to deal with the car repair. I felt like this was all my fault because of the poor decisions I had made, marrying someone despite some major red flags because I naively thought they would change after we got married. Ha! Yet I was also pleasantly surprised by the overwhelming support from family and friends, after years of hiding my shame and not telling anyone about a lot of what was going on in my marriage because I didn’t want to turn people against my husband. They were happy for me and did not judge me for seeking divorce.

Still, I was resigned to being alone for the rest of my life as penance for my mistake. Miraculously, the following year, I met an amazing man who loves me just as I am and is better than I could have imagined or believed that I deserved. And I learned from my mistakes so I could be a better partner.

The 3 Gifts Technique

Fast forward many years to this past week. I’m enrolled in the Positive Intelligence PQ program led by Shirzad Chamine and this week’s lesson included the 3 Gifts Technique. I love that it provided a framework for how to turn a crisis into a gift, which is something I had learned to do implicitly through my experiences. Whenever we face a difficult situation or crisis, we can choose to stay in negative thoughts, or turn it into a gift or opportunity, and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Gift of Knowledge

Ask yourself: What learning or knowledge would I need to gain so that the payoff in the future could be greater than the pain I am feeling or what this is costing me now?  Imagine how you might put that knowledge to practice and create good results.

For example, let’s say you experience a failure. If you can learn and understand what went wrong and how to remedy those things, you will be more successful in future, and that is your gift. You can do this by actively asking yourself questions. On the other hand, if you choose denial or to feel sorry for yourself, you miss out on this opportunity.

The Gift of Power 

Ask yourself: Which power or strength must grow in order to handle this? Shirzad talks about the Sage powers - empathize, explore, innovate, navigate, activate - and you can also think of it as the mental muscles you could build. What is the gift of that power growing in this challenge and other parts of my life?  

To use my personal tragedies as examples, all of these allowed me to be more empathetic to others in similar situations, and also to better navigate future challenges for myself.

The Gift of Inspiration

Ask yourself: What inspiring action can I commit to that I wouldn't have if this “bad" thing hadn't happened. Set an intention about creating something in the world that will be so positive that the price you’re paying now, the pain, is trivial - the bigger your crisis, the bigger your intention needs to be. The action becomes a gift. 

Related: Shirzad shares a compelling example of the Gift of Inspiration in this short video.

To be clear, the 3 Gifts Technique is not about suppressing our feelings and forcing ourselves to “think positive”. My own processing of a crisis usually goes something like this: 

Oh…this is not good…I can’t believe this is happening to me. Hey, this really sucks! I don’t like it. This can’t be real. This is really bad. I’m not going to take this! What can I do to change it, or who else can do something about it? Ok, this cannot be undone, as much as I don’t like it. Did I mention I am not happy about it? Now, how do I make myself feel better?

It can take seconds, minutes, weeks, or even months. And we do need to give ourselves time to feel the feelings. But once you get to the question about what I’m going to do about it, you’ve reached the Fork in the Road, where you choose your self-fulfilling prophecy. At this point, if you stay in your negative thoughts, the result is usually a lack of action. But if you choose to reframe your situation using something like the 3 Gifts Technique, you can create good.

I’ve been doing this unconsciously to channel my frustration and restless energy in a couple situations where I felt helpless to reverse the circumstances. Before the pandemic I was teaching yoga at a local studio that closed during lockdown. I started offering a virtual donation-based class and over the course of 2 months, raised $1300 that went to several Covid relief funds. And while I started this blog before the recent layoff of 12,000 employees at Google, it has definitely inspired some of the topics I’ve been covering in the last few weeks. Going forward I’m looking forward to applying 3 Gifts so that I can intentionally convert my day-to-day and larger crises.

More on this topic:

• Watch Sydney Cummings’ Ted Talk on resilience and emerging from your tragedies even stronger.

• Read Positive Intelligence or listen to the audio book (I earn a commission from qualifying purchases).

The Four Agreements

This week’s theme is not from yoga, though I first learned about the Four Agreements in a yoga workshop with Kathryn Budig, a master yoga teacher. This lesson was on my list of Things That Changed My Life, so I wanted to share it alongside the yoga lessons. Plus you’ll see there are some shared themes about how to gain freedom from suffering and live with more joy. The Four Agreements come from the wisdom of the Toltec civilization in ancient Mexico, passed down through generations by the wise beings called naguals for hundreds of years and explained in a short book by don Miguel Ruiz. I’ll share a quick summary and note that the book is easy to read because it’s short and repetitive with many examples. 

The premise is that as we grow up and over the course of our lives, we develop agreements with ourselves about our beliefs, who we are, what we are capable of, and many of these are driven by fear and have the unfortunate effect of making us suffer and fail in life, creating our own personal hell. Adopting the Four Agreements can help to turn this around and find more joy and freedom. The concepts are simple yet profound.

Be Impeccable with your Word

Speak with integrity and avoid using negative language to hurt others.

We all know the power of words - a kind word can lift you up, while misuse of words can cause harm. Being impeccable, or without sin, in using words means not using them against yourself or others - lies, blame, insults, gossip can act like poison in our minds. How often do we thoughtlessly criticize ourselves, or make harsh comments about someone else. Even if we do this unintentionally, it causes damage. On the other hand, when we use words for truth and love, it changes our minds and can make us immune to negative words from other people.

This lesson changed the way that I view gossip, and given that it can spread like a nasty virus, I try to avoid it as much as possible. It also made me more aware of how harmful negative self-talk can be.

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Others' opinions and behaviors are a reflection of their own reality, not yours.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally.” If you are able to see that the actions and words of others are not about you, there is nothing for you to be upset or offended about. When someone insults you, this is about their own personal beliefs or opinions. That doesn’t make it real or true. When someone compliments you, it’s also not personal. So instead of subjecting yourself to self-torture, build the habit of refusing to take anything personally, so you can find your happiness and peace from within.

This one has been transformational for me. It’s 100% about perception and mindset. Take that jerk who cut you off in traffic this morning, for example. You can be really upset that they dared to do that to you, then potentially escalate to giving them the finger or honking your horn or stay in a bad mood for a while. Or, you can brush it off and move on with your day. It’s not about you.

The second agreement is also really helpful when it comes to getting feedback from others. Being able to take both positive and negative feedback as information and not an absolute truth about whether you’re a good person will save you from a lot of unnecessary suffering. 

Related: Unhooking from praise and criticism post by Tara Mohr 

Don’t Make Assumptions

Communicate clearly and avoid misunderstandings.

Assumptions are the stories we tell ourselves about what others are doing or thinking, and we often see these as truth, and then take it personally. But the reality is that a lot of times we are misinterpreting and misunderstanding by making assumptions without asking questions and gathering more facts. We make assumptions about ourselves too. The remedy for making assumptions is to communicate clearly, asking questions and asking for what you want. Sound familiar? By doing this we are also being impeccable with our words.

This one was also important for me. It’s a natural human tendency to assume that others think the way we do, or to generalize about someone else based on limited information, but we are all different. How many times have I played through some movie in my mind where I worried that someone was mad at me, or even worse, hypothetically could get mad at me for something I hadn’t even said or done, without even giving them the chance to tell me directly? 

Or how often have I made up an uncharitable story to explain why someone else did something? Going back to the example of the driver who cut in front of me on the freeway. Are they really a jerk or were they distracted by something, like a kid in the backseat, or perhaps they are dealing with a difficult situation or just got some bad news and are not fully present. Opening up your mind to different possibilities and acknowledging that you don’t actually know the truth can change your outlook in life.

Always Do Your Best

Your best will vary from moment to moment, and that's okay. Do the best you can with what you have in each moment.

The first three agreements are about your words and mindset. The fourth agreement is about the actions you take. If you always do your best, there is nothing to judge yourself about. Your best will change from moment to moment. If you do less than your best, you may feel guilt, regret, or frustration. On the other hand, if you try to do more than your best, you may end up burning yourself out. It’s counterproductive to expend so much energy that you sacrifice your own happiness. If you do your best and take action, the reward is in the doing, and there’s no reason for blame or regrets. Action is how you live and express yourself fully, without fear. Doing your best doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect. You will still make mistakes, but it’s okay because you are doing your best. Keep going and this repetition, this practice, will make you a master.

“You can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is the action. Without action upon an idea, there will be no manifestation, no results, and no reward.”

— don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Which of the Four Agreements changed your perspective? Were there any that you didn’t understand or disagreed with? Let me know in the comments!

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