My Temazcal Ceremony experience

I’ve been on vacation for the last several days but still want to keep posting to my blog weekly, so I thought I’d share about one of my unique experiences. I went on a girls trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico, for a long weekend, and on the first day, we did a couple of memorable activities.

Ghost Ranch in Abiquiú, New Mexico

The first was a Georgia O’Keefe landscape trail horse ride on Ghost Ranch in Abiquiú, New Mexico, where the artist lived for the latter years of her life. We saw the landscapes and other features that were the subjects of some of her famous New Mexico desert paintings. The second was a native Mexican Temazcal ceremony, also known as sweat lodge ceremony. The ceremony, which was a first for me, took place about 20 minutes from Santa Fe and was led by Concha Garcia Allen, a local healer and therapist, along with her assistant (who she called “nephew”) Bernie.

We started outdoors, standing in a circle. We faced 7 directions - East, South, West, North, Heavens, Ground and the Center. While burning herbs, Concha said prayers as she had us face each of 7 directions–East, South, West, North, skyward, down to the ground, and the center. She talked about how we are relatives - humans and animals, even insects. It was an interesting coincidence (or perhaps more?) given that I had just written about connection last week. Bernie accompanied with his drum, a wind instrument, and singing. Each of us shared our intention for the ceremony. Then we took turns standing in front of Bernie, facing East, as he waved smoke from burning herbs in front of us for cleansing and blessing and then touched us on the forehead with a feature.

We were ready to head into the sweat lodge, a small enclosed stone structure. We wore robes and were given towels and plenty of water. We entered the heated room, always from the left side, and sat in a circle around the heat source, which contained hot stones and was powered by electricity (important detail for later). Once everyone was seated, Bernie closed the door and the room was pitch black. I didn’t mind the dark, but my friends later reported that it was disconcerting at first to be in the dark.

I’m not going to remember all of the details, but the ceremony went roughly like this: Concha told a story centered around an animal representing a stage of life. She asked us to share what came up for us. Bernie started each round holding a stick that made a rattling noise when he shook it. He shared his story, and then passed the stick to the next person, who was told to “see” it by its sound. There were three of us plus Concha and Bernie, and everyone shared quite personal stories, so I’ll just describe the themes without getting into the personal details.

The first animal was a turtle that carries you on its back through the womb. Concha told us to think of a happy memory from our childhood. The second was a brown bear that offered medicine, and we shared what pain or ailment, physical or emotional, that we wanted to ask for the medicine to heal. The third animal was a wolf representing the wisdom we gained from others, whether young or old, human or animal, and we shared what that was. For the fourth and final round, she told us to imagine being an eagle perched on a branch, feeling our strength as we gripped the branch with our talons. We were bestowed with eagle vision, able to see great distances. This represented our vision of the future, which we shared with each other in turn.

Not surprisingly, it was extremely hot inside the sweat lodge, and part of the intention was to experience the discomfort. There was no escaping it, literally. I was grateful for the large towels and my water bottle. Normally, the heat is increased at each stage of the ceremony, but mercifully, the power went out in the entire town, so the electric heater stopped. It was still very hot from the residual heat, and Bernie may have amped up the heat through his prayers! The first round was the most difficult. I was completely drenched in sweat and could feel it streaming out of my pores.

After everyone had taken their turns sharing, Concha and Bernie sang a song, and then Bernie counted to three before we all shouted as loudly as possible, “All my relatives!” He opened the door and we had a reprieve between each section to cool and towel off and hydrate while he sang two songs. Then back into the sweat lodge for the next round. That made the heat more bearable, and I also got more used to it as the ceremony progressed.

All in all, our ceremony took about two and a half hours. That was a mental challenge for my restless mind, especially since I could tell we went over the expected two hours. At one point I just had to let go of my feeling of impatience so I could be more present to the experience. I was grateful that we had a relatively small group - Concha said she once had a group of 13, and they had to split into two groups to fit in the lodge.

I’m glad I took the opportunity to participate in a Temazcal ceremony. It’s not something I would necessarily seek out for myself, but I enjoy learning about different cultural traditions and meeting people with a strong and authentic spiritual presence. It brought up some fond memories from my childhood, and I left feeling more connected and grateful for many things at the end. And thirsty.

Connection

First things first - Happy Birthday to my husband and best friend, Chris! We were lucky to celebrate with good friends–including one who shares the same birthday–on a cruise in the San Francisco Bay. We got a rare family photo where both of my kids are smiling for real, plus the wind made my hair crazy!

I’ve been thinking about the importance of connection lately, in the context of returning to the office at work and being able to spend more time in person with people in general after emerging from a couple years of relative isolation. It’s interesting to notice how much I enjoy being around other people, because I’m the kind of introvert who will go to great lengths to avoid talking to another human (especially on the phone) for many situations in life. And yet, I know first hand that feeling a sense of connection to others and the world around us is essential for our happiness and overall well-being. When I am able to overcome my apprehension about talking to a stranger on the phone, it’s never as bad as I imagine, and usually quite pleasant. 

I recently read How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan, which is about psychedelics and their potential to heal and transform our minds. One example that Pollan cites is helping people with addiction, including alcoholism. He describes research suggesting that psychedelics can help to break the cycle of addiction by helping people to connect with their inner selves, with others, and with the natural world. The premise is that addiction is a form of disconnection, where a substance fills the void when we are not getting connection elsewhere.

The book includes the example of a man struggling with alcoholism who took psilocybin mushrooms in a clinical setting. He had a profound experience where he felt a deep sense of connection with the universe and with the people around him. He also felt a sense of peace and well-being that he had not felt in years. This experience helped the man to break the cycle of addiction. He realized that he no longer needed to turn to alcohol to feel connected or to feel good, and was able to find a new sense of purpose and meaning in his life.

Human connection is necessary for our mental health. It helps us to be able to regulate our emotions and to have higher self-esteem and empathy. It’s no coincidence that when we’re suffering from anxiety and other mental health challenges, we feel disconnected. When you’ve established a connection to another person, there is no longer any sense of, “us vs. them”, and it becomes easier to build trust. You’re more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt. And there are also physical health benefits to connection, including a strong immune system, longevity, and lower risk of chronic illness.

But what if you’ve been isolated or lonely for a while and maybe you’ve forgotten how to relate to other people? Perhaps it has never been someone you could do with ease. How can you get more connection in your life?

There are many things you can do to deepen your connection with the people around you.

• Make an effort to remember names and use them when talking to someone

• Be present for the person in front of you - see them and listen to them with genuine interest

• Ask their opinion and value what they say (you don’t have to agree with them). 

• Have a list of creative (or not so creative) questions to ask people if you feel like you run out of things to say. I used to hate small talk, but it’s a way to open the door to learning more about another person. Think of it as checking in with them. For example, ask about someone’s weekend plans or how their weekend went. Be curious.

• Use physical touch. This one is a bit tricky in a work situation, so tread carefully and always take context into consideration. A handshake or hug may be appropriate in some cases, or a brief hand on the shoulder.

• Smile. I tend to default to a serious expression (RBF), so I try to be intentional about smiling when I walk around, and it really does make a difference in my own feelings of connectedness to others. As a bonus, smiling is contagious and triggers endorphins, which make you feel good, in you and others.

• Be generous (but sincere) with praise and helpful

• Create space for vulnerability, perhaps sharing your own struggles and fears. If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know I share a lot of personal examples, and I hope that makes you feel a little more connected to me.

If you want to create new connections, you can follow a lot of the same advice as for networking. For example, put yourself in situations with people who share your interests. At work, this might be an affinity group or ERG (employee resource group). Outside of work, perhaps you join a group or activity related to one of your hobbies or a skill you’re interested in building.

Overcome your resistance to initiating a conversation with someone. I tried this the other day while waiting in line outside the restroom at a restaurant. Instead of standing in awkward silence like I normally do, I asked the person how their dinner was going, and learned that they were celebrating someone’s 80th birthday. Then I met the person whose birthday it was, and had a nice chat with her. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but it was for me and I felt the warm fuzzies in return for my effort.

Where could you create more of a sense of connectedness to other people? Consider committing to be more intentional about strengthening your human connections, and then see what happens!

• Watch Kermit the Frog perform “The Rainbow Connection” from The Muppet Movie.

Too Good To Be True?

Have you ever had a time when things were going really well in your life and you felt lucky? Then the feeling turns to something less positive, like guilt. I don’t deserve this. Or wariness - I must be deluded, or missing something. A few such instances in my life still stand out to me, because I felt like things were too good to possibly be true. When it happened again a little while back, I became curious to learn why. It turns out that this is a pretty common thing we humans do.

What it looks (and feels) like

The first time I can remember having this feeling was in the year after I got married to my best friend and amazing husband. I had started a new job at a great company and we moved back to a place I loved, the Bay Area. I felt like we were living a charmed life, but I also felt uneasy that things were going so well in multiple areas. What had I done to deserve it? Was this how my life would be from then on? While that feeling did not last forever, it has stood out in my memory for being a puzzling reaction to good fortune.

It turns out there is a name for this feeling of happiness anxiety, cherophobia. It might happen after you have achieved success or are feeling happy following a stressful period. You might feel like you don’t deserve your success, or guilty. You are worried about losing the good things you’ve gotten, maybe because you fear you’ll self-sabotage the situation, or that just one false move could ruin it all. Or you believe nothing will ever be this good again.

Why it happens

There are many explanations for these feelings. It turns out that excitement is very similar to anxiety, and your brain registers it similarly to a difficult event. This can get in the way of both your brain and your body being able to fully enjoy it. Anxiety is an exhausting emotion - you might feel intimidated or overwhelmed by your fortune and there is a sense of additional responsibility. 

Any kind of change, even positive, brings a sense of uncertainty or unfamiliarity - maybe you’re not used to good things happening to you. If you have past trauma, it may be difficult to accept the good without guilt. Maybe you’re worried that because others around you are not experiencing the same thing, they may not be happy for you, or worse, you might make them feel bad if you share your success.

Perfectionists tend to associate happiness with unproductive activity, and this may bring up fear of losing control or letting yourself down. 

It could be a defense mechanism trying to avoid disappointment or pain in the future, making you want to prepare for the worst case scenario.

In my case, I had recently recovered from burnout, so it made sense that I might be wary of things being good in my life when the last few years consisted of a global pandemic, racial tensions, high work stress, and economic uncertainty. Still, I didn’t want these feelings to overshadow the joy and gratitude I felt.

What to do

Fortunately, being aware of my cognitive dissonance is a step in the right direction. It helps to acknowledge the negative thoughts and recognize that it’s not the same as your run-of-the-mill, fear-based anxiety. Ask yourself whether there is really a problem, and if you have a tendency to catastrophize, challenge the what-ifs going through your mind. Find someone you trust, tell them about it, and talk it out. Take a few deep breaths so you can be more grounded and present. Then reframe how you look at uncertainty - you may not know what the future holds, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad. Allow yourself to savor the feeling of happiness and appreciate the good that you have accomplished, celebrating your wins and progress. This trains your brain to experience positive emotions.

In order to boost your feelings of happiness, make sure you have balance in your life - don’t overwork, eat healthy meals, and get rest and sleep. Adopt strategies to promote happiness in general - listen to upbeat music, practice gratitude, learn something new, and be generous and do something nice for someone else.

The next time you are anticipating a positive change, you can makes it less ambiguous by planning your steps incrementally and bringing more intentionality.

Life is full of challenges, so it may be surprising when good things happen to you. Make sure you are able to make the most of your positive moments and feel the happiness that you deserve!

Job Crafting: Love the One You're With

And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, Love the one you’re with.

I often chuckle at this lyric from the Crosby, Stills, and Nash song, but I have to admit, it’s practical advice. Why not start with what you already have? This can be applied to work, when you’re feeling unsatisfied, unmotivated, or just plain stuck. It’s not always practical or easy to change jobs whenever this happens. The market is a bit tight for job seekers in some industries like Tech. And while that doesn’t mean there isn’t a job out there that’s a great fit for you, it might take some time to find it. So before you start looking elsewhere, consider whether it might be possible to change your job into something that you would love more.

Luckily, it’s easier to make changes your job than it is to make another person change, i.e., the one you’re with! How? Through the process of job crafting. I first heard of this concept several years ago, and have been playing around with it myself, especially when going through that inevitable phase when I dread work. Here are some questions you can ask yourself.

How do you currently spend your time at work?

Start by assessing your current situation. What are the tasks that you do, and how much time do you spend? If you’re a visual thinker, this article by organizational behavior and psychology professors Amy Wrezsneiwski, Justin M. Berg, and Jane E. Dutton, describes how to diagram your job with boxes representing each of the tasks that comprise your job, where the size of the box indicates the amount of time you spend on it. Or you could just list them out. Notice what gets most of your attention, energy, and time. What skills do those tasks require? What do you like and dislike about them? Which tasks are motivating, and which ones are draining or exhausting?

The next step is to connect back to your talents and passions.

What are your strengths?

Ashley Stahl, author of You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, and Design Your Dream Career, summarizes 10 core skill sets as follows: 

1. Innovation - the entrepreneur or creative visionary

2. Building - bringing mechanical or conceptual ideas to life

3. Words - the communicator

4. Motion - using your body

5. Service - the helper or supporter

6. Coordination - details, bringing things together

7. Analysis - research, going deep

8. Numbers - number crunching

9. Technology - 

10. Beauty - art, aesthetics

Think of these as your innate talents and your energy. These skillsets can be expressed in different ways depending on the person. Stahl says that most people identify with three of these, and the primary skill set is what matters most. If you are not working in core skill set, you may feel exhausted. It helps to notice where your energy is, your zone of genius. If you’re not sure, ask people close to you two questions: when have they seen you at your best and how does the room change when you walk in? Then consider what skill set you are using during those times. Sometimes we don’t realize our own strengths because we are so used to them that we take them for granted.

If you want to dive deeper into understanding your strengths, CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) has 34 different themes. You can buy the book Now, Discover Your Strengths, or the older StrengthsFinder 2.0, both about $20, to get an access code for the online assessment (for some reason, buying the assessment directly from Gallup costs two or three times as much as the books). I’ve taken the StrengthsFinder assessment a few times and my most recent top five themes were:

• Empathy - sensing other people’s feelings, making them feel understood and valued

• Activator - turning thoughts into action (similar to builder), “Just Do It”

• Restorative - dealing with problems, making things better

• Achiever - busy and productive, initiating and moving things forward

• Harmony - seeking consensus and agreement, avoiding conflict

These still resonate for me several years later.

What motivates you?

Stahl talks about 10 different motivators

1. Meaning - spiritual purpose/mission

2. Optimal health - physical wellness

3. Time - freedom or flexibility, control of your time

4. Impact - changing the world, making a difference

5. Visibility - prestige or recognition

6. Accomplishment - completion, checking off the boxes

7. Training - learning as you do

8. Ease - comfort, or avoidance of pain, shame, fear, or anxiety

9. Spending - money

10. Self-expression - bringing emotion or ideas to life

These are the things that motivate you when you’re feeling inspired, or can help when your confidence is low. My top motivators are accomplishment, impact, and health, and as of late, training and self-expression are also in the mix.

Along with your strengths and motivators, knowing your Core Values can help to identify your passion. Now comes the fun part of job crafting.

How can you incorporate more of your strengths and motivators?

What changes would increase your engagement at work? This is when you start to redefine your job, adding your own personal touches. How could you reallocate your time, energy, and attention to incorporate more of your motives, strengths, and passions? Professor Wrzesniewski and colleagues cite three core aspects of work that you can alter:

• Tasks - taking on more or fewer tasks, expanding or reducing your scope, changing how the tasks are performed

• Relationships - the nature or extend of your interactions with others

• Perception/Cognitive -  reframing certain aspects of your job or your job as a whole

With these in mind, make a plan to reconfigure your list of projects so you can incorporate your goals. I’ve been inspired by this story of a university hospital cleaning crew who found more meaning in their work through job crafting ever since I first heard it several years ago. The video also covers how organizations can support job crafting for its employees. During a time when I wasn’t finding a lot of meaning in the projects I was working on, I leaned more heavily into mentoring and other pursuits that filled the gaps for me.

It can also help to look outward, considering other people. How does the time you spend on various activities at work benefit the people you serve? Who can, does, or will eventually benefit from your efforts? Go as far as listing actual names if possible to make it more concrete, and if needed, get to know more about them. This reminds me of a practice in user experience (UX) design, where you specify the key user profiles for your product and outline their critical user journeys.

Finally, your job crafting efforts are more likely to succeed if you have support from others. Focus on an organizational or individual strength that will create value for others. Build trust with others, like your supervisor or manager, by getting your tasks done and ensuring the changes you want to make will advance business priorities. Lastly, direct your effort toward the people who are most likely to be open to your ideas.

With job crafting, you’ll soon be able to sing a new version of the old song:

And if you can’t get the job you love, honey, craft the one you got.

Read more:

• Managing Yourself: Turn the Job You Have into the Job You Want

• What Job Crafting Looks Like

My Burnout Experience

It’s time for another vulnerable post. Early last year, I experienced burnout from work. I know I wasn’t alone - there are studies from last year reporting that 50% of employees have experienced burnout, and that number is even higher for managers. I am finally feeling like I got my mojo back and am able to talk about that experience publicly. It’s interesting to reflect as I look back at what I went through—aided by journal entries—with the perspective of time. 

I won’t go into all the details about the specific circumstances because it doesn’t really matter what caused it - it was about how I experienced things. In fact, one of my problems was not feeling like I had a good enough reason to feel burned out and throw in the towel, and that I should have been able to handle the situation better. But there is no doubt in my mind now that it was a classic case of job burnout.

How I got there

It was already a couple years into the pandemic, when mental health was already fragile due to ongoing events like Covid, a looming recession, political conflict, and California wildfires. It felt like being under constant attack. I had an impossibly long list of problems to manage, and it seemed like every day brought more bad news. I felt defeated - this was all my responsibility, and in my mind, it was my fault that I couldn’t solve all the problems before me. I felt like I had not control over my situation. The overwhelming stress had crept on me over the course of several months. From the outside, maybe none of this was obvious. What happened may have been invisible, because I acted like I was fine and got things done. I kept juggling all the balls. 

Then one Monday, I got three more pieces of bad news before noon, and I hit my breaking point. I was doing everything wrong, and things were only getting worse under my watch. I was in an impossible situation and just couldn’t do it anymore. I could not attend another meeting and act like everything was fine. I could not face another person at work. I had lost my confidence and ability to focus. I had lost sleep and had panic attacks. I had lost who I was, becoming just a shell of my former self. I went into a panic spiral. I couldn’t think straight or process what people were saying to me anymore. I was desperate and at my wit’s end, and thought I would have to quit my job because I couldn’t do it anymore.

I went to my manager and shared all of this, prepared to resign from my job. Luckily, she stayed calm and was supportive, suggesting that I start by taking some time off. She reminded me that most of the problems existed before I was in charge and validated my feelings of being overwhelmed. I took my leave immediately. I declined all of my meetings, speaking only with a couple peers briefly.

Immediate actions

It helped me immensely and immediately to detach from work. I read recently that the difference between burnout and depression is that with burnout, it gets better when you step away from work, and I did find this to be true. As soon as I shut my work laptop, I felt a great sense of relief, and dove into intense self-care consisting of long walks, yoga and intense workouts, reflection, journaling, reading, massages, and some retail therapy. I even tried acupuncture for the first time.

Things that helped most:

• Being productive - I spend my time making things (bread, dinners, soap, lotion), taking care of things like routine maintenance for my car, decluttering by giving things away on my local Buy Nothing Group. After feeling helpless and ineffective, being able to get things done was very satisfying and boosted my confidence.

• Getting professional help - I contacted a coach and a therapist, both of whom I’d worked with in the past. Counseling gave me perspective - the problem is bigger than me - and helped me to let go of the feeling that I was letting people down.

• I read several fiction and self-help books, including Why We Can’t Sleep by Ada Calhoun, which is about midlife crisis for Gen-X women. What especially helped was the idea of telling the story of our mistakes in a new way - seeing ourselves as heroines worth rooting for, and framing life as being about something unexpected. Whatever comes, we know we can handle it.

• Introspection and journaling - I reminded myself of what I am good at and what I had already overcome in the past.

• Coaching class - While it added homework and class time, I also found a lot of inspiration in the learning.

Preparing to go back

While it was not hard to de-stress while I was away from work, I had to prepare myself for my return. My coach suggested that I write down a list of my top 5 priorities for work that needed to be delivered, and the resources needed to make it happen. I also decided to add a “below the line” list which served as a way to communicate things that I was not working on, as well as a backlog of things I could later get to when I had more time. This required acceptance that there were a lot of things out of my control that I could not fix. The interesting thing was, over time I found that a lot of the things on both lists resolved themselves without me needing to do anything; they got done by other people, or no longer mattered.

Return and Recovery

I let myself be lazy and selfish again. I evaluated the extra work I was doing outside of my core job and dropped some things that felt like more of a burden than satisfying community contributions. That was really hard to do because I had committed to them. I forced myself to stop saying yes for a while to new requests or opportunities, even if they sounded interesting. I may have disappointed other people, but that’s what ruthless prioritization requires, and I had to put myself first at the time.

I also opened up to a few close peers and told them about my struggles. It’s hard for me to accept support from others, but I did. It took a while before I could share beyond that, and only now can I speak about it more publicly.

The problems from before did not magically disappear, and there were new ones. What changed was my mindset - one of surrender (for things beyond my control) and hope (that things would eventually change for the better). Still, I was not the same for a while after my burnout. I was guarded, wary, and scarred. I felt resentful about giving up so much of myself for work. The circumstances around me did not improve that much, and there were more trials and disappointments to come. The stress caused some weight gain, which was not great for my self-esteem.

It was a crappy year and the reason I vowed to make this year better. Not just better, but the best one yet. In order to do that, I leaned out of work. What I really wanted to do was take a long sabbatical, maybe 6 months away from work, but when I looked into the details it didn’t seem feasible. So I considered other options and ultimately switched to a part-time schedule where I had Fridays off. 

With the clarity that comes from hindsight, I can see (and admit) that I did not feel whole for a long time after, and until very recently still felt broken or in a funk. I still have lingering guilt and other mixed feelings about taking care of myself and taking a step back from work. I was too insecure to admit publicly that I reached the point of breakdown because I didn’t want to appear incapable or unreliable or broken. Now I truly feel like I have rediscovered myself, a little wiser and hopefully better equipped to see the signs. I recently started a new role and am feeling motivated and confident like never before.

Learn more about burnout:

• Podcast: How to deal with burnout

• Symptoms and signs

• Is it time to classify burnout as a mental disorder?

• 5 Steps to Overcome Burnout | Psychology Today

Be Your Best Self, Live Your Best Life

I’m approaching a milestone birthday this year, and have vowed to make it my best year yet. It’s like an entire year of Treat Yo Self, where I choose self-indulgence in a variety of forms. I allow myself to splurge on things that I really want, and say no to things that I don’t want. I’ve also set some personal and career goals for this year. But the most important part is to be the best version of myself and live my best life, one where I’m happy and achieving my full potential.

I’ve adopted the motto “Happy, Healthy, Strong”, which is about taking care of yourself in order to maximize your life and satisfaction, from one of my favorite YouTube fitness trainers, Sydney Cummings Houdyshell. While living your best life is going to look different depending on who you are and what you want from life, here are some tips to set a strong foundation.

Be Generous and Kind

Because, why not? It usually doesn’t cost a thing, literally or figuratively, to be kind to another being. Smile at a stranger. Resist the temptation to flip someone off for a traffic blunder, because they might just be having a bad day or dealing with a noisy child in the back seat. If that feels good, try generosity. Say thank you or extend a sincere compliment. Say something nice about someone when they’re not around. Give your time to someone you know who could use company or help. Volunteer your time and skills or donate money to a charity that is meaningful to you. Donate blood. And while you’re at it…

Practice Self-Compassion

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty hard on myself, much more than I am with other people. While not everyone talk about it, it’s fairly common to be self-critical. Sometimes it’s quite harsh, and for the most part not really helpful or kind. So I try to be more aware of when it’s happening so I can notice how ridiculous some of my negative, judgmental thoughts toward myself are. Treat yourself with as much kindness and compassion that you would extend to any other being. Forgive yourself if you make a mistake and learn from the experience. Be patient and understanding when you are not perfect. When you are having a difficult time, allow yourself time and space to heal.

Don’t Worry: Face your Fears

I wrote an entire article about this topic a few weeks ago, so I won’t go into too much detail. If you can’t stop thinking about the thing that worries you, another tactic is to face your fear by playing out the worst case scenario and asking yourself what you would do if it happened.

Konmari (Declutter) Your Life 

If you have no idea what “Konmari” means, check out Marie Kondo’s bestselling book from several years ago, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, or the Netflix series, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.

Are there people or things that are no longer serving a positive purpose in your life, or outright dragging you down? If you have people who constantly make judgmental or critical comments without accepting or supporting you, stand up for yourself. Speak up, and if needed, set boundaries and limit the amount of time you spend with them. 

Similarly, let go of your grudges. I used to be really bad at this. I held grudges for a long time. When I felt like someone had hurt me, I would give them the silent treatment. I didn’t know how to manage my feelings of resentment. But I learned that I was just creating another burden for myself by stubbornly holding on to those negative feelings. Like worry and guilt, resentment is just another worthless emotion.

When you let something go, you are freeing yourself.

Learn a New Skill

The old proverb, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” is a lie. I used to believe it, and imagined that, past a certain age, my brain would be full and I would remain stagnant in my knowledge and skills. Clearly that’s not true. There is so much value in continuing to learn new skills - it’s great for keeping your mind sharp, strengthening your cognitive reserve. It maintains your capacity to continue to learn. New skills can boost your resume, give you additional credibility and perspective, and create a sense of accomplishment, boosting your confidence. You can use what you learn to solve new problems and help other people.

Take Care of your Health

I was not good at sports when I was growing up and I don’t plan to run any marathons in this lifetime, but I consider myself an athlete, having maintained a consistent physical exercise routine for the past 25 years. Like many other people, I got started with the goal of losing weight and improving my physical appearance, but over time, exercise and movement have become intrinsic to my overall happiness. I love the endorphin high after a good workout. Strength training makes lots of things in daily life easier and less painful and is critical to counter the loss of muscle mass that comes with aging. It doesn't’ really matter what kind of fitness program you follow as long as it includes some resistance training, cardiovascular fitness, balance, flexibility, and mobility.

Being an athlete and performing at your best is not just about training – you need to sustain your energy, so pay attention to your nutrition – fuel your body and mind by eating a healthy variety of foods and getting your essential nutrients and macronutrients. Recovery is just as important. I have definitely fallen into the “more is better” way of thinking, but I’ve learned that rest is critical to replenishing energy and allowing your muscles to recover. Get enough sleep and stick to a consistent sleep schedule. While experts recommend 8 hours a night for adults, I can’t seem to make that work for me and have found that I do best with at least 6 hours of sleep. And take time off from intense workouts. I take 1-2 days per week where I do gentle cardio or yoga. I try to stay active, walking as much as possible. All of these habits benefit your mental health as well.

Take Care of Your Appearance

I’m not talking about being attractive per se, but more about maintaining your physical appearance so that you can make a positive impression and be more confident in social or professional situations. Practice regular personal grooming like brushing your teeth, washing your face, trimming your nails, getting haircuts, and bathing. Moisturize. Wear clean clothing that fits well and feels comfortable. If wearing makeup, accessories, or jewelry makes you feel more put together, do it! You can also enhance your appearance by practicing good posture, something I have to continually work on as a desk worker who sits in front of a laptop computer all day.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People

Last but not least, please stop looking at where you are relative to other people. They are not you. Remember your unique identity and all that it entails. Don’t feel bad if someone else is better at something that they’ve been doing longer than you have - they’ve had more time to hone their ability, and you will get there too with time. Life is not a competition. Love and be your unique self, unapologetically.

None of the ideas I’ve mentioned here are new or groundbreaking. They are just practices that I’ve found helpful in my own journey to be happy, healthy, and strong, and to have my best year yet. What is one new habit you could take on to enhance your life?

To Thine Own Self Be True

This week I had the privilege of joining a leadership program Asian women leaders at work. I’m a co-sponsor of the program and shared my personal and professional experiences as part of an executive leadership panel. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being in a room with 60 participants plus my fellow sponsors, the program leads, and the facilitator, all of whom were women of Asian descent. The lessons on leadership were intertwined with discussions of identity. I grew up in a small Illinois town in the 80s, where most people didn’t know about Korea unless they watched a TV show called M*A*S*H, long before the popularity of K-dramas and gochujang, and before any BTS members were even born. At the time, I just wanted to fit in, but at this stage in my life, I can finally fully embrace all of who I am, including my identity as Korean-American. So it felt apropos to talk about being true to yourself and forging your own path, a topic that has come up repeatedly in my coaching experience.

As a coach and mentor, I’m often asked “what should I do?” That’s a very normal question, because when you are trying to make an important decision, whether it’s choosing among options or forming your own direction and plan, it can help to seek wisdom and opinions from others. However, I rarely give a direct answer to the question, because I can’t know what’s best for someone else. It’s not helpful to share my opinion or perspective unless I know enough about them. That’s because there isn’t a single answer that is correct in all situations, like pursuing a job promotion, accepting a job offer or new responsibility, attending graduate school, quitting a job, moving to a new location, handling a difficult work situation, or navigating a personal relationship. Who am I to tell another adult what’s best for them, unless I know everything about their situation?

Instead, I do the annoying coaching thing and ask questions to help them consider the question from a variety of angles. It all starts with knowing yourself; in other words, your self-identity, or individuality. We are not all the same. There are many external factors like culture, society, and family of origin that influence who you are and create expectations or pressure about what you “should” do, but sometimes those are in conflict with what you actually want to do or be. Because of this, it’s helpful to first understand yourself so you know what really matters to you instead of what others want (or what you think they want) from you.

Get to Know Yourself

How often do you take time to think about who you are, what matters to you, and what you want for yourself? Getting to know yourself starts with reflecting on who you are now, your current self:

• What are your likes and dislikes? 

• What are your hobbies and pastimes?

• What are your strengths and abilities? What are you not good at?

• What are your core values?

• What belief systems or moral codes are important to you?

• What makes you unique?

• What are the most important elements of your identity? How much are you influenced by your race, ethnicity, country of origin, family and relationships, religion, gender, age, sexual orientation, physical attributes, disabilities, political affiliation, social class, etc.?

• What motivates and demotivates you? What gives you a sense of purpose?

If possible, set aside some time and space so you can focus without interruptions. As you answer these questions, be honest with yourself and consider what parts of this you truly believe, not what other people say or think about you. If you can, write it down.

Next, consider your vision and ambitions, your ideal self. 

• What do you want to do that you’re not doing now? What do you want to stop doing?

• What do you want more of in your life? What do you want to remove?

• What do you want to adjust, shift, or change?

For each of the answers to these questions, ask yourself why. Let’s say you want to go for that promotion at work - what is really important about a promotion to you? Is it the money? The additional responsibility? The recognition or validation? The job title? Power? What might be holding you back from getting this right now?

Express Yourself

Once you have a clearer sense of yourself, consider whether anything would come as a surprise to the people close to you, especially those who are in a position to make decisions that impact you. Do they know what you like, what you care about, and what you want? It’s very normal to make assumptions about other people based on what you can see and what you already know, but most of us are not mind readers. The more you share, the more other people can be on board with your vision and ambitions, and maybe even help you on your journey.

Some people cringe at the idea of personal branding because they think of it as marketing or self-promotion, which they find tasteless. But when you think about it as being authentic and sharing information about who you are, what matters to you, and what you uniquely have to offer, what’s so bad about that? Tell people what your strengths are and what you like doing. It’s not just about personal gain or making yourself look good. You have things to offer that can benefit other people and be an asset to your organization.

If you already know what you want, ask for it. Earlier in my career, I never thought to ask for things. I believed that I would get what I deserve based on my work. I was lucky to have people in my life suggest that I ask for things, like asking for a higher salary when I got a job offer, or asking for the office that opened up when my manager left.

Most of the time, I haven’t had a very specific idea of what I wanted in my career, like a role or project. Perhaps you can relate. In this situation, you can still share about positive experiences you’ve had in the past or skills that you want to use more or develop at work. I shared with a previous manager that I had worked in Japan for a few years after college. I felt so fortunate to have the experience to live and work overseas and thought it would be cool if I could go back someday with my family. I didn’t consider this a real possibility since none of the teams in my immediate organization were in Japan, so I wasn’t even asking for it. Then an opportunity came up with a team in Tokyo that was in the broader organization. Since my manager knew about my past experience and interests, and also that I enjoyed adventure and wasn’t risk-averse, she asked me if I would consider working in Tokyo. I ended up taking a 6-month assignment in Tokyo with my family in tow, and several years later, we still look back fondly on that experience.

Advocating for yourself is also important during those times that your needs are not being met. Maybe you are doing something that conflicts with your personal values, or you are not getting the support or resources you need to succeed. Sure, you don’t want to sound like you are complaining or ungrateful. But if no one knows there is a problem, there is little chance that things will change.

Live As Yourself

When you and people around you know more about you, this opens the door for you to be and do you in the fullest sense. Recognize your strengths and leverage the things you’re good at so you can get closer to your ideal self. Stop doing things just because other people want you to, or you think it’s what they want. If you’re not getting anything out of it, consider whether it’s really necessary. Maybe all you need to do is ask or start a conversation about it. Do more of the things that make you happy.

This is not to say other people don’t matter, but you are the one living your life. You are the expert of you, so it’s up to you to create the life that you want. I’ll talk more about that next week.

How To Be More Confident

One of the most common questions I’ve been asked by over a hundred mentees and coaching clients is how to be more confident. Confidence is something that many people, including me, struggle with on a regular basis. Some want to know how to feel self-confident, while others want to exude confidence in their interactions with others. Another recurrent theme is regaining confidence after it has eroded. So today I’ll cover what confidence is, why it’s so hard, and some simple yet effective tactics to build confidence.

What is confidence?

The Merriam-Webster definition of confidence is:

1. a: a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances

   b: faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way

2. the quality or state of being certain : CERTITUDE

Confidence requires trust, and self-confidence is trust or belief in your own abilities. It enables you to take action even when you are uncertain of the outcome, because you have faith that you have the skills and abilities needed to succeed. Easier said than done, right?

Why is it so hard to be confident?

In my experience, confidence can be elusive because it requires some amount of certainty, and it’s rare that we can be completely certain about an outcome. Can you imagine if everyone in the world waited until they were absolutely sure that they could succeed before they ever took action? Of course not, because if we did that, we’d never take risks or innovate. There would be no creativity. But it’s also one of the top reasons that people lack confidence - the fear of failure.

Confidence is also a fair weather friend that can easily fade. Every so often I go through a crisis in confidence. I lose sight of who I am and what I’m capable of. The feeling can be paralyzing and is definitely not pleasant. It can happen when you’ve become rusty in a particular skill or experience due to lack of practice. Perhaps your confidence has been damaged by a failure or harsh criticism. A previously confident person can suddenly feel fear, doubt, or uncertainly when facing a new or unfamiliar situation.

Some of the biggest pitfalls I’ve observed in myself and others when it comes to confidence are avoidance due to fear of failure, not taking action unless you are 100% sure of success, becoming discouraged when you compare yourself to others, not wanting to face a difficult situation, forgetting or discounting your own capabilities, and expecting perfection.

What is the antidote

The big fallacy is in waiting until you feel confident to take action. Instead, work on courage, which is the “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty”. Courage is what you need to take the ideas in your head and turn them into concrete actions, even when you are uncertain of the outcome. It requires being able to overcome the resistance - feelings of fear, the nagging voice in your head - and just do it.

How do you become more courageous? By practicing courage. Go and do the things even when you feel nervous or fearful. There is no secret formula to erasing those feelings and suddenly feeling like you can conquer the world. You do it despite the feelings, and every time you do, it makes you a little more courageous. And that, in turn, starts to increase your confidence. Here are the tactics that I share with my coaching clients and mentees.

• Take more risks - Make a move even when you’re not certain if it’s the right one or that you’re doing it the right way. In other words, fake it till you make it. Sometimes you will surprise yourself, and you’re more likely to succeed if you take the shot than if you sit still. And if you do fail…

• Embrace and learn from failure - Many of us hold the belief that failure is something to be avoided at all costs. But what if we expect failure and use it as a tool for learning? I know the feeling of not wanting to fail because it will just confirm all the doubts I have about myself. However, I’ve learned to change the way I see failure - it’s better than inaction, because I always gain some knowledge and experience. That can make it a little less scary to try again.

• Take an incremental approach - Start with small steps so if things don’t go perfectly, the consequences are not devastating. You might stumble, but you can get your bearings and try again. It’s also important to recognize that you may not always succeed right away or on your first try. Courage takes determination and persistence.

• Face your fears - If there is something specific that you’re afraid of, instead of trying to avoid it, sometimes it can help to focus on the fear for a moment. Go ahead and play out the worst case scenario you have imagined, and ask yourself what you would do if it happened. Allow yourself to sit in discomfort for a moment. Most of the time you’ll realize that the worst case scenario wouldn’t really be that bad and you know how to deal with it.

• Be playful - Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you are tense or uptight, how can you perform at your best? When you are at ease, you are more likely to think freely and creatively.

• Stop comparing yourself to others - Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s usually a faulty way of thinking, because you are only seeing a small part of the full picture and letting that make you feel inadequate or dissatisfied. This is especially true when it comes to comparing yourself to someone more experienced than you - remember that they are further along on their journey and have had more time to practice. 

• Acknowledge your progress and accomplishments - It’s so easy to forget what you are capable of when your confidence is low. That’s why it’s important to take time to reflect back on things that you have been able to do in the past as a reminder that you can do hard things. Pull up your big kid pants and do it again!

• Be present - Don’t overthink things. It’s best to be present in the moment. Feel grounded, take deep breaths, and tune into one or more of the five senses - sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste - and just get out of your head in general. When you let your body and intuition guide you, you are less prone to be held back by feelings.

Practicing improv is a great way to build confidence - it requires being playful and embracing risk. You have to be present so you can listen to and observe what your partner is doing. You can’t be in your head planning what you are going to do because you have no idea what they will say next. There is no script. One of the first rules you learn in Improv is practicing “Yes, and…” There are no right or wrong answers. You just go with what pops into your head, trusting your instinct, and express it. If you think too hard, you will freeze. When you can find the ease, that’s when you unleash your most creative expression.

Figuring out how to be courageous and confident will make it possible for you to succeed at anything you set your mind to do. A big part of success is showing up, because it is often the hardest part. You have to get moving, to take the first steps, in order to show up. Once you figure out how to do that, the rest will come more easily.

Related topics

• I love this commencement speech from Reshma Saujani, attorney and founder of Girls Who Code, a nonprofit focused on closing the gender gap in the tech industry: Imposter Syndrome Is A Scheme: Reshma Saujani’s Smith College Commencement Address

• Yoga to Overcome Obstacles

• Yoga for a Fearless Heart

My Coaching Journey, Part 2: Becoming a Coach

Last week, I talked about my experiences working with coaches that led me to pursue becoming a coach myself. One of my personal passions is helping people to overcome challenges, solve problems, and grow personally. I’ve done a lot of mentoring at work and through my college alumni network, as well as an organization called PCF that supports first-generation college students. I’ve been a people manager for many years and find it highly rewarding. After seeing the impact that a single coaching conversation could have to shift my mindset from lacking confidence and feeling stuck to being more resourceful, I wanted to learn how to coach. During the pandemic, I decided to finally take the plunge. I can’t remember exactly what the catalyst was, but most likely, I was going through a period of restlessness.

The first step was deciding on a program. I had already looked at a couple of local coaching training programs in the Bay Area in the past, but they were at least an hour away from my home, and I didn’t want to spend precious time on a second commute. Fortunately, some institutions started offering virtual courses. One of these was Erickson International in Vancouver, which I learned about through a list of coaching certification programs that some of my co-workers had put together. I signed up for an information seminar that included a coaching demonstration. Everything sounded good to me, so I decided to move forward with Erickson. When I had asked my coach Valerie for advice on selecting a coaching cert program, she said the most important factor was that it was ICF accredited, so I didn’t spend too much time deliberating on the selection.

The hardest part for me was just getting started, namely picking a course date and time and paying the fees. I had recently taken on a new role at work, and was hesitant to choose a class time because I didn’t know if I would be able to make the commitment. After a few months of procrastination, in January 2022, I finally signed up for a course on Wednesday afternoons from 4 to 7:15 pm that began in late February.

I chose the Art & Science of Coaching program, which included three courses - Essentials, Advanced Applications, and Mentoring - in preparation to qualify for Erickson Professional Certified Coach and the ACC or PCC ICF credential.

Around the same time, I signed up to become an internal coach at work through the g2g (Googler-to-Googler) coaching program. I attended a training session where we learned high level principles of coaching and a simple model for structuring the coaching conversations. I created a few hours of coaching appointments per month, and people started to sign up right away.

Then I started the Essentials course. I’m not going to sugar coat it – taking a class on Wednesday afternoons in the middle of a busy work week was not easy. My job was stressful and I struggled to sit through a 3-hour Zoom call with lots of class participation when I just wanted a glass of wine and dinner. In addition to the class, we had a couple hours of homework each week  where we watched instructional videos and coaching demos, completed quizzes, and participated in a discussion forum about the week’s topics. 

We learned so many principles and methods that were both fascinating and, at times, overwhelming. During most classes we had time for breakouts to practice coaching in a dyad or triad. I felt flustered and awkward trying to learn, remember, and apply all the new concepts at once.

In spite of all these challenges, I really loved the subject matter. We learned about taking the “coach position” and actively listening to our clients – not just the words, but also their tone and what they weren’t saying. I loved learning about the brain science, metaprograms, logical levels, and other frameworks and methods. And over time, as we met weekly to learn and practice together, I got to know my classmates despite never having met any of them in person. Within our group, we hailed from Canada, Texas, Kansas, California, and Australia! 

We learned so much from our teacher Jenny and TA Cory. After 16 weeks of the Essentials Course, we had a week or two of break and proceeded to the Advanced Applications course. Five of us from the Essentials class had continued to the second course, so it was nice to already know my classmates as we got to know our 2 new teachers, Brigit and Kim. We learned a lot about how to partner with our client and rely less on a specific structure or exercises.

Once we finished 16 weeks of the Advanced course, we moved on to the Mentoring stage. We had one class where we reviewed everything we had learned, and we were grouped with another cohort of new coaches. Then we were on our own to sign up for mentoring sessions with master coaches from Erickson. We had to record and upload a 30-minute coaching sessions with a client in order to get feedback from the mentor. I enjoyed meeting a variety of experienced coaches, many of whom were in the demo videos we watched throughout the course. At first, I was really nervous and focused primarily on the assessment component - how well did I demonstrate the ICF Core Competencies through the PCC markers?  But then I realized that I should take advantage of the opportunity to learn from these seasoned mentor coaches and came prepared with questions and problems.

After completing the 6 required mentoring sessions, the last step was the oral assessment. It was very similar in format to the mentoring, but instead of an evaluation, I was told that I had passed. With that, I met the requirements for Erickson Professional Certified Coach.

The final step was to complete 100 hours of coaching. I logged the majority of these hours through g2 coaching, but I also continued to do dyads with other coaches. I loved these coaching exchanges where we coached each other for 30 minutes, and also compared notes on how we were progressing towards certification. I had a standing bi-weekly coaching call with one of my Erickson classmates, Heidi, who has become a close friend even though she lives in another state and we have never met in person. My fellow coaches have helped me process many professional and personal issues and make critical decisions in the past year!

Finally, I had the 100 hours required to apply for the ICF ACC credential. While my training prepared me for PCC, I’m only about 25% of the way towards the 500 hours of coaching experience, so that will come later. After filling out the forms and paying the fee, I scheduled my ICF credentialing exam. They had both virtual and in-person options, and I opted to go to a testing center so I wouldn’t have to worry about any technical issues. I didn’t do much to prepare besides reviewing the ICF Core Competencies. I thought the exam was pretty difficult, because for each of the 80 scenarios we had to pick both the best and worst action out of four options. But all I needed was a passing score and I found out that I had passed immediately after finishing. Within a few days I received my credential by email!

I don’t know yet what my coaching practice will look like in the long run. I like my job and don’t feel like it’s time to quit and pursue coaching full time, but I’m taking on clients outside of work and building my network of coaches. The process to get here has been intense, so I’m enjoying not having homework for a while as I figure things out!

My Coaching Journey, Part 1: Getting Coached

In the beginning of May, I got my Associate Certified Coach (ACC) credential with the International Coaching Federation (ICF), and now I’m sharing about my experience for anyone who is interested in getting a coaching credential or just curious why and how I became a coach. My coaching journey actually began 16 years ago when I first worked with a life coach. Looking back on that experience, it’s amazing to see the insights and awareness I gained through coaching, and how consistent my values have been over that time. So today I’m going to get up close and personal again as I discuss what it was like for me as a coachee, and next time I’ll talk about the certification process.

Photo courtesy of Chris Robinson: View from breakfast in Óbidos, Portugal

It all started in 2006, shortly after I returned from my honeymoon in Kauai, an island of Hawai known as the Garden Isle due to its lush rainforest. My husband and I were so enamored with the island and its natural beauty that we wanted to figure out how we could live there in the not-too-distant future. At the same time, my job was getting busy due to some major projects and I wanted to achieve better balance with my personal life, and we were thinking about starting a family soon. I had a few things I wanted to figure out in my life and needed help. A friend recommended her coach, so I got in contact with her for a consultation. Karen gave me a few thought starter questions to answer over email, and after I decided to move forward with personal coaching, she sent me some worksheets, including the Life Wheel. We had weekly coaching sessions over the phone. I was able to find a folder full of my handwritten notes and all of the emails I had sent to Karen, so I have a pretty detailed record of my first coaching engagement.

I started out by exploring various factors that moving to Kauai would entail, including considering lifestyle, cost of living, timing of starting a family, housing, both of jobs, how our families might react if we moved even further away, childcare and schools, and medical care. After a heart-to-heart discussion with my husband, we realized that moving to Kauai would be a challenge both for building our careers unless we were in the hospitality industry. We decided that what we really wanted was a change. I had lived in Orange County, California, for about 5 years after moving there for my job, and while I had met some great people and loved the warm weather and beaches, I never quite felt at home there. From there, we would focus on relocating to the Bay Area, where I had gone to college and graduate school, as well as the next steps in my career path.

I took an online Myers-Briggs personality test, and at the time I identified as INFJ. While I won’t go into all the details of what that means, when I go back and read the description for INFJs, I have to admit it fits me to a tee. My temperament was described as idealist and my dominant function intuitive. I had written notes about wanting to be a “catalyst for positive change” - making a positive difference in someone’s life - I harbored aspirations to become a personal trainer or massage therapist, and at the time was into leading beginner hikes and volunteering. 

In January 2007, I described what success looks like as: 

• Balancing my work and personal life

• Having a family

• Strong personal relationships with friends, family, significant other

• A nice house that is big enough for family

• Challenging my mind, problem solving

• Financial self-sufficiency

I was astounded to read this list recently, because I have all of these things in my life! I know it’s not just a coincidence. But the interesting part is that I never put together a detailed plan with these goals in mind, and I didn’t diligently track my progress over the last 16 years to get what I wanted. In fact, I forgot about this list until I found it in a closet. Coaching helped me to gain perspective on what I really wanted–i.e., my own definition of success–and this laid the foundation for me to attain what I valued.

My coaching notes also included how I defined my fantasy/dream job and 25 elements of a perfect life. The former is pretty spot on for where I am today. What stood out most for me was that I wanted to be myself and be accepted and admired for it. I couldn’t think of 25 things for a perfect life, but my list of 14 has stayed consistent with one or two exceptions. My coach also recommended a few books that helped me reflect on my ideal career. I have no idea if these books have stood the test of time, but they were:

• The Best Year of Your Life: Dream It, Plan It, Live It by Debbie Ford

• What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Nelson Bolles

• Do What You Are: Discover the Perfect Career for You Through the Secrets of Personality Type by Paul Tieger

And get this - the potential vocations I came up with at the time were dietician/nutritionist, coach, project manager. This is remarkable because my current job is program manager (and it took me a few steps to get here), and now I’m also a coach! I didn’t seek out project manager or program manager roles, but I still ended up here. And the thought of becoming a coach remained dormant for many years before I considered it again.

As part of my action items from coaching, I applied to jobs at a few companies in the Bay Area and ended up at Google (but in a different job role than I currently hold). I continued to work with Karen for a few months as I navigated interviewing, accepting a job offer, and planning our move.

Then while at Google, I was fortunate to work with a handful of excellent internal coaches (thank you, Renais, Dolores, Suzie, and Landis!) and my colleague Becky co-founded the career guru program that eventually became the g2g (Googler-to-Googler) coaching program that I’m part of as a career and leadership coach. With the help of these coaches, I learned to reframe my self-view as an oddball who always felt different from my peers and instead appreciate my unique talents and abilities. When I wanted to develop my leadership presence but struggled to find a role model that I could relate to, a coach helped me to develop a vision of my own authentic leadership persona. 

While I am a proponent of mentoring and have loved being a mentor, I’ve learned that I prefer being coached to help me solve problems over being mentored. This was a bit surprising because I started out wanting someone to tell me what to do. But in reality it was rare for me to find a mentor that really understood me and gave me advice that resonated for me. What I love about coaching is that it’s an empowering partnership - as a coachee you are the expert of yourself and your coach is there to create space and allow you to look at your situation from different perspectives. It’s often as much about a mindset shift as figuring out what you need to do. And coaches are really good at listening not just to what you say through your words, but also what else you are communicating through your tone, choice of language, body, and pauses. They reflect back what they hear and see, but don’t tell you what you should do. You own that part, and they help you to clear away the cobwebs and put the tangled web of thoughts spinning in your mind into ideas, words, and actions.

When I got promoted to Director at Google, I started to work with a wonderful external coach named Valerie. She coached me on growing as a leader and later was instrumental when I grappled with recovering and emerging from burnout. It was during that time that I came back to the idea of becoming a coach. I’ll continue with that story in Part 2 next week.